Hi there - just joined this group. Wish I'd found this years ago. Feel like I'm finally at the point where I gotta vent. Spent thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours in counseling over the last 5 years or so, so I'm well on the way to learn the disengaging bit. Sux, doesn't it? But, so goes the life of a step parent. Or perhaps better described as a non-entity. Married my DH about five and a half years ago. About 5 years ago, the BM dies of cancer, so SS (then 13) and SD (then 10) come to live with us full time. My BD is 17 at the time. SO, wow - less than a year of marriage and all of a sudden we've been married 20 years! Lots and lots of changes to deal with that year. They didn't come to live with us right away. BM died in April and since she had remarried (eloped 2 weeks before our wedding that we'd been planning for almost a year) they stayed with the step father until school was out in May (who, by the way, has minimal contact with them now), then went to visit relatives of the BM most of that first summer. During that summer, we purchased a larger home because the home we were living in was one that I'd purchased earlier for just my BD and I some 6 years earlier. We all move into the new, big house. Not sure exactly what happened when they moved in full time, but I thought it might be easier since there was no ex to deal with. Boy, was I wrong!!!!! I remember that first Christmas in the new house that snotty little 13 year old brat saying nasty things to me while my DH was standing there listening and doing nothing to stop him. Because I was not comfortable in my "role" as stepmother, I turned to go upstairs and hibernate in my (our) bedroom, as was the usual thing and then my DH was downstairs with his children while I spent the evening alone upstairs. (My BD was out of the state, with her father during this time period when this happened during Christmas.) However, this time I got about halfway up the stairs and something snapped in me. I went right back downstairs, faced that little brat while my wimpy husband just stood there and watched and I slammed my fist down on the table until it shook the entire table and yelled that I was not letting some snotty little 13 year old brat chase me out of my own house. The look on SS face was priceless - the smirk that had been on his face when he was successful in chasing me out of the room once again was replaced by a look of disbelief. Since I'd finally figured that my DH was never going to stand up for me, I took matters into my own hands. I guess that was some kind of turning point for him, because, even though it has not been easy, he and I do get along a little better now that I do with his sister. It's really amazing that our marriage has lasted - but with my mantra of "THREE AND A HALF YEARS, THREE AND A HALF YEARS, etc, etc, etc" I do believe that we can make it and then pick up and be newlyweds again - the wonderful period of a relationship that we got cheated out of. Really, my DH is wonderful, he's just a $hitty parent - really, that's all. Yep - all that counseling and I've learned that he is an "Indulgent/Permissive" parent, where as my style is "Democratic/Authorative" style. We will never agree on parenting, and, since they are HIS children, he has every right to rear them the way he sees fit and we will never agree on child rearing. Thus, enter DISENGAGEMENT. I really have felt very, very alone in my journey, but seeing some of these blogs (and actually writing about it) does allow me to feel not quite so alone.

Fast forward 5 years - although I may come back and fill in some of the missing chapters later - and you will see what brings me to vent today. We've had a good year, both my DH and I. My BD just graduated from a prestigious university with honors (must of done something right, huh?)and had a grand time celebrating all that. Christmas was just the five of us, my father and BD's boyfriend, so much, much smaller than normal. Very low stress compared to most years. BD received clothing and gift card to but a PlayStation that she'd been wanting. SS and SD both received new Nikon cameras and new laptop computers. Pretty generous, huh? I thought so. But, we are dealing with two step children that are completely from the entitlement group. DH had mentioned to them that since they would soon be elgible for upgrades on the cell phone contract, he would be getting them new phones. Fatal mistake, mentioning it to them. SD began her bitching early the day after Christmas. And she bitched and bitched and bitched. I couldn't stand it any longer, so I went into the computer room to interrupt DH's gaming and stood there and bitched at him to go ahead and get it over with. Take them to get their new phones. Now mind you, just minutes earlier I saw SD sitting in SS's room - which NEVER happens unless she wants something - in this case she was trying to get SS to bitch to DH also, so it wouldn't be just her nagging at DH to take his precious little brats to get new phones. Walking by the room one time to do laundry, I stopped and asked what she wanted. She said "my phone just died". I asked her to let me see it. As she was pulling it out of her pocket, she changed it to "well, it's almost ready to die". Hmmm - curious, I looked at the phone. Then I turned it on. Amazing! Not dead at all! It did need to be charged, though - I did notice that. An uncharged phone will die on you, won't it? So when I took the phone into DH I mentioned that she had lied. His response? "She didn't lie." Ok - sure - whatever - DISENGAGE ..... Fortunately, DH was able to stop his gaming and take the little dears to the store to get their new phones. Oh - and this all in the middle of a snow storm that we rarely get in the southern part of the USA ... but we all know the priorities, don't we? What the children want becomes DH's priority at all times!

Oh, but there is a little more to the story here. This is heresay, since I didn't go to the store with them, but was told to me by SS and BD later in the evening. Seems DH had asked that each of them choose a phone that did not go over the price of $100. BD and SS were able to quickly make their selections - BD spent $80 and SS spent $90. But SD wanted one that was $150. I can't believe it, but DH actually said NO to his little princess! :jawdrop: BD and SS said that she started to pitch a fit in the store and spent about 30 minutes trying to convince DH that she NEEDED that particular phone and even started to cry because she couldn't have that phone! He stood firm (rare deal) and she ended up NOT getting exactly what she wanted and managed to find something acceptable for $100. (This is a 15 year old girl acting this way in public.) Shocking, no?

Problem is, DH really can't see what he's created. Neither of these children have any idea of what it means to work for anything they have and neither have any concept of the value of money. Especially the SD. SS has learned a bit of responsiblity because he's involved with ROTC in school. But SD? Nada - just a spoiled brat.

Merry Christmas to all. Chapter Two at another time. This venting may really help! Comments/advice/help welcome.