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Disengaged, bitter & miserable :(

Pengy's picture

Submitted by Pengy on Thu, 11/25/2010 - 7:50pm

I've been with blockhead for nearly 3 years now. SD 10, has lived with us full time 4 times now, can't decide who to live with. I'm so done with the drama, she is manipulative, thinks the world revolves around her, has no manners, curses,is lazy as hell, interupts and is clingy and so forth. She left once again in May, I told them this was IT, no more of that crap, this time she will stay with her mother period.
No one listened to my advice, when I tried to teach her manners I was the mean one, so I decided to disengage to make blockhead see the light. Well he didn't see jack...
The atmosphere is cold, we hardly talk anymore, it broke our relationship. I'm so damn bitter and miserable.
He can't deal with my disengagement but yet won't set some rules for his child, he is not bringing her over anymore, spends visits at his mothers house, fine by me, cause if I see them interact I feel like gagging anyhow. I'm done feeling like an outsider, like I don't belong.
I feel even if I wanted to, it's to late to engage again, it won't work, I do not care any longer to have this child around me much less do anything with her, it would be all fake. I just have been hurt to much.

I love him and wanted this to work out so badly, we wanted to get married and have a child of our own. I used to be a fun person, now I'm nothing but bitter and depressed, no friends left either far far away from home, without a job.

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TheWickedStepmom's picture

Submitted by TheWickedStepmom on Thu, 11/25/2010 - 8:52pm

I'm sorry you are going through all of this Pengy. Disengaging IS hard... I just started this about a month ago and it's one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it's been good for ME and my kids. My relationship with dh has definitely suffered because of it though.

He's resentful I'm sure, and has said he feels stuck in the middle. I told him to go and see his kids whenever he needs to. They are adults so it's not like he is having to take his kids somewhere else to visit with them or anything. I even told him to go and spend T-day with them if he wanted to, but I don't want to deal with their drama, their disrespect, and their tempers anymore. And when you get right down to it, all I keep asking myself is why is it fair for dh to ASK me to put up with being treated like crap? He sure doesn't defend me when they do it and he's sitting right there. I'm not asking him to give up time with his kids. I'm just telling him that I don't want it in my house around me or my kids. If he wanted to invite them here so he can visit with them, I would take my kids and go somewhere. But I admit I would be pissed about that and resentful too. SD20 has her own apartment... go there as far as I'm concerned. But I also know sometimes it's just easier for them to come here and I know my mom would also like to see them (which blows my mind because for years she griped about sd's attitude herself).

DH has started treating my kids like crap lately and I WISH he would disengage honestly and just let me raise my kids. But he's too much of a control freak for that. Also part of the reason why he's pissed at me for disengaging. He wants ME to talk to sk's and I refuse. Told him that when sk's grow up and get a clue, they will come and talk to me. I have given in plenty of times in 11 years and this time I will not just lay down and take their BS. They want to be treated like adults, now they can deal with being treated like adults and he can deal with the monsters he raised and the problems they cause.

I have little hope for my marriage right now with the way things are. So I know where you are and what you are feeling. Sometimes I think dh and I only stay together because we are both from other states originally and neither of us have anyone here... makes it seem a little lonely. But I figure I will keep on my path and in time I will know exactly what I need to do. Either sk's will see the error of their ways and this will be a workable situation, or dh and I will end up going our own ways. I just take it a day at a time for now. It's never too late to re-engage, but your reasons have to be honest and your efforts sincere.

SD10 bouncing back and forth is ridiculous. It just teaches her that when 1 situation doesn't work out, she can jump to another, rather than being made to feel any kind of discomfort at all. She will never learn to effectively deal with life this way. Her parents are doing her a disservice by allowing her to do this and unfortunately, there is nothing you can do that will ever make them understand that. If you are not going to be allowed to have any kind of authority with a child you are expected to take care of, how does your dh expect you to react and how can he expect you to feel any kind of responsibility to this child? Doesn't take a rocket scientist. I had the same problem for 11 years. They don't want to accept their part in the problem. It only stands to reason they would be pissed at US... in their mind, they haven't done anything wrong. You can't fix crazy and there's no cure for stupid.

Good Luck to you...

Eyes Wide Open's picture

Submitted by Eyes Wide Open on Sun, 11/28/2010 - 8:56am

Sooooooo agree!

"I told him to go and see his kids whenever he needs to. They are adults so it's not like he is having to take his kids somewhere else to visit with them or anything. I even told him to go and spend T-day with them if he wanted to, but I don't want to deal with their drama, their disrespect, and their tempers anymore."

I needed to disengage for ME. Both skids are adults and I just HAD it up to here with everything mentioned above. DH refuses to tell them anything or guide them in any way for fear of "losing" them and they have become disappointing leaches on society. No rules, do whatever you want, all is good..... This is not the way my child was brought up, nor is it the way she lives. When I disengaged, DH was concerned about "where he'd visit his children". Duh.....they both have their own homes, there are how many billion places on earth other than this house? Like you, he can go to them every single day---I don't care. I, myself, am done forcing a relationship with people I wouldn't be caught dead with any other time!

This might bite me in the butt in the long haul, or, it might wake up DH and he may see reality. Kind of getting to the point that I don't care.