If you've followed my blogs this shouldn't be too confusing (about SD5 who isn't even DF's daughter). This is a long vent...I just needed to get it out.

SD5 is the kind of kid that worships her mother. Since day one, every time we have had her, she says at some point, "When is Mommy picking me up?" At first I was able to let those questions blow over my head -- I reasoned with myself that I shouldn't take that personally, that she's a little girl who loves her Mommy (which is perfectly normal and fine), and that she just wanted to be able to 'see' her schedule for the next few days. Lately, that comment drives me INSANE.

I know that 75% of the reason I've grown more upset more easily with SD5 is the fact that she's her mother's clone...and everything that her mother represents I can't stand. I know none of us are necessarily deserving of a Mother of the Year title, but on a daily basis BM puts herself or her boyfriends/social life BEFORE her kids. Yet SD5 worships her. I just don't get it. I'm not expecting her to race to me and recognize that I do all these things for her...not in the least. I just don't 'get' the worship factor of a parent who WILLINGLY gives you up for 2-4 nights a week when she doesn't have to whatsoever....just so that she can have her "me time".

Even more so lately, SD5 compares everything about me with everything about BM -- our hair, our cars, our shoes, our clothes, our makeup, our perfume, our cleanliness, the things we cook, the things we make them eat, the way we do her hair, the way we tuck her in, the way we drive, the place we park, the things we like, the things we don't like...EVERYTHING. And it's not in a simple kids-learning-to-compare-things way. It's in a way that puts a definite MY-MOMMY-IS-BETTER-THAN-YOU-BECAUSE-THIS spin on it all. I feel like I'm suddenly being attacked for things. I try to teach her that everyone does things differently and that's okay. And it blows over her head. I can't help but wonder if BM is constantly asking her these things about me, which gives her the opinion that it's okay to compare us all the time.

I find myself boiling inside the moment SD gets an attitude, the moment she is disrespectful to anyone or anything, the moment she makes a mistake. In a way I feel bad that I get so upset by her nowadays. I know that I am partially projecting my feelings towards BM onto her. Over the last few months, I look at SD and see a deep scowl on her face...only to realize she's probably mirroring the look on mine.

The hardest part about this is that I share everything with my fiance. He sees that SD5 has gotten harder to handle, he listens to me vent about her behavior changes and attitude problems of late. But the fact is, we are not her parents. We are not legally/financially tied to her in any way and we do not have any rights whatsoever to her in a custodial way. Yet DF doesn't want to give her up...he actually is scared that SD5's biological father will go to court to get more time (which he's simply asked for from BM, and BM refuses).

She's the product of BM's manipulation...and THAT is what this ALL stems from. The fact that I have to pick up both SS3 (my fiance's son) and his older sister from day care, then hear "But I thought Mommy was coming to pick me uuppp!" in her whiney voice, and it makes me want to vomit. It's the fact that BM would RATHER have her nights off and USE us to care for her daughter without so much as a thank you for our time and effort in trying to raise her right, with manners and grace, and that it gets thrown back into my face that SD would rather see Mommy walk through that door than two people (me and DF) who are trying so hard to raise her well, teach her things, help her with school, help her with manners....and on and on. And let's add to that all the times that BM says, "You're not THE PARENT," to both me and DF.

Yesterday, I wanted to say, "Then we'll call your mommy and you can go to her house tonight." But I bit my tongue, knowing that DF would be upset with me for taking away his time with SD5 without consulting him first. And that it would have started a shit storm with BM because chances are, BM had plans to go out for drinks last night on her night off from the kids. And by then it would be a moot point...simply a method for me to "get rid" of SD.

The other hard part is that ALL of DF's family absolutely love her. She's the only 'granddaughter' so far, so she gets spoiled. Which means they see her sweet side (which she certainly has). Of course they love her. They see her once every few months, lather her with gifts and love and attention, and then we take her back home. So none of them understand our latest difficulties with her...and how it's emotionally draining to be used by someone you HATE (BM) and feel like there's not really a way to get "out" of it because there's a child involved.

I'm holding on as tight as possible to the positive side of my thoughts: that we will make SD5's life better because we are positive role models and she has none in her life. That we are contributing in a positive way to SD's future as a human being.

But my rope is unraveling.