The beginning...
So, my husband and I have one child together and he has another child. A girl who is 10. We have her through the week and she visits her mom on the weekends. I am struggling with her because she doesn't listen to me, she is very whiney, needy, immature, and irresponsible. I say all this with love. I really do. This is just the reality of it and her father agrees. It is the situation of how things have gone with her mother. Anyhow, I can't get her to listen to me. She is completely different with me by myself than when her dad is home. She is whiney when she doesn't get what she wants, and very needy. She doesn't act her age and she doesn't keep her school work in line the way that she is supposed to. She is 10. I realize that this is young, but my mother made me be responsible for all of my homework, room, etc. We just got custody of her two years ago and it has been a struggle...God has it been a struggle. Just if anyone has any advice...any at all...it would be appreciated. :jawdrop:
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If your DH agrees that her
If your DH agrees that her behavior is out of line, then he needs to step in and set the rules. And enforce them. She's still young and impressionable, so now is the time for him to exert himself in his role as her father and let her know what is and what is not acceptable. A consequence chart may also be helpful if she is responsive to that type of thing. Let her know what the expectations are and what the consequences for failing to meet the expectations are. It doesn't have to be anything too extreme, but by 10, the school work and chores should be part of the norm.
Good luck to you!
I agree! If the problems are
I agree! If the problems are worse when DH is around then he needs to crack the whip and enforce some rules/consequences. Be consistant!
Thank you for your advice. I
Thank you for your advice. I have tried that and sometimes it is hard because she just doesn't want to listen to me and husband works second shift so isn't home alot of the time til late.
Give her a warning, "If you
Give her a warning, "If you don't do this then this is the consequence" and then DO IT. Make the consequence a good one too. What does she like the most? Is there a tv in her room? Take it out. Does she like computer time? Eliminate it. Does she have a Nintendo DSI? Snatch it, etc.... Find what she loves the most and make that a consequence.
Wow! We are in the same
Wow! We are in the same situation. My stepdaughter is 9 and lives with us full time. Her mother moved across the country and does not even see her. The only difference is that my husband does not see things the same way I do. He feels guilt for her mother leaving and tries to over compensate which in turn has created a needy, whiny, immature child who is capable of doing so much more than she does. It's hard for me to watch because I was raised to be responsible for my room, school things etc as well. So I guess this is not going to be a very helpful "comment" that I'm posting, it's just that it's nice to know there is someone else who is going through what I am going through as well. I bought a book called "7 Steps to Bonding with your StepChild." It was an amazing book, I'm actually reading through it for the second time right now. I guess that's my only advice would be to pick up the book! Good luck and feel free to post back.
The main problem is when she
The main problem is when she is at mom's house and then comes home is usually when she is worse. Then she won't keep her room clean, same fight every time. She feels she should be babied because younger sibling is only 6 and still needs help to do things. husband works late nights. I have gone to therapy and she just tells me that we have to work through it.
I am learning each day that
I am learning each day that DH needs to step up and act like a parent! If he knows her behavior is out of line then he needs to be the one to set his daughter straight! She is old enough to be responsible and to suffer the consequences of her actions!
DH needs to enforce the rules with his daughter. He cant continue to be a guilty parent! That will do nothing but make matters worse! Would he accept this whiney, clingy behavior from the 6 yr old or is that "different" in his eyes?
No, he doesn't accept it from
No, he doesn't accept it from the 6 year old. He treats them completely different. He tries to say it is because he is a boy but that doesn't have anything to do with how they each act towards me or him.
We are in similar situations.
We are in similar situations. My SD11 came to live with us full time 2 years ago. She visits her BM on the weekends. I can give you some hope with the whining thing. For the first couple of years that is how SD talked all the time. She constantly whined. Both DH and I hated it. So we were constantly making her repeat herself till there was not a hint of whinning in her voice when she wanted something or when she talked to us. It is finally paying off as the whinning has almost disappeared completely. Also with the messy room. Take everything out. Leave her with a bed and a box for her clothes. With SD she didn't want to clean her room so I went in there one day and cleaned out three garbage bags full of toys and clothes. She lost them for good. I told her that if she didn't want to clean her room then I will and she know that when I go in there things will go missing for ever. She now at least cleans it to a reasonable state and twice a year both her and I go in a give it a cleaning like getting ride of old toys, clothes that don't fit and such. It is slow and sometimes very frustrating but if you and your DH are consistent then somethings do start to change.
Gosh, I feel your pain!
Gosh, I feel your pain! Please note that you and your husband need to set down and talk about responsiblities and punishments. At least he agrees. Though my story will not be much help, but it will give you a perspective of what happens when the child gets older.
I have a 13 yr old stepdaughter. We have her 50% of the time. I am pregnate with our first child together. I hve been married to the father for two years. The older the sd gets the guiltier my husband feels about her living in a divorced household. He is so afraid that if he tells her no or gets on to her for her attitude that she will say the dreaded sentence: "I want to live with my momma.
He does not make her bath, because she doesnt like too
He does not make her go to bed at a decent hour. Some nights she is on her computer to 2 in the morning in her bedroom.
On the weekend he lets her sleep to lunch and then she stays in her bedroom until she gets hungry most of the time.
He doesnt make her clean her room.
And many many more.....
At first I tried to talk to him, and he would talk to her, but it never lasted long. I think he probably told her that I was making him talk to her.
Then it got to the point where we get into arguments about it and he flat out told me she was not going to do anything because he didnt want her mad at him.
Now, Im pregnate....VERY EXCTIED...but do PLAN to have Rules with this one...This one is mine and I can control how he acts.
Please know you are not alone and if you husband agrees then I would say set down and talk.
OMG! I thought my husband was
OMG! I thought my husband was the only one who feels bad for making his daughter bathe. Hello? Being clean is not an option, it's a necessary part of life! LoL