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She wants to live full time with BM

Ingrid's picture

Submitted by Ingrid on Wed, 10/20/2010 - 9:12am

We have 50/50 custody of D-14 and twin D & S-9.
The twins love it here and never want to go home because they have so many friends here and they want to go to our school.
SD has all of her friends at her Moms house.

BM has been engaging in conversations with SD about living with her full time and told her to ask her Dad. So, SD came to me last week to beg me to talk DH into letting her go. She is afraid to ask him herself because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. Personally, I don't see the harm. Although BM is a sociopath, she fits better with SD (who is one too). Unlike our house, where she doesn't engage in any family activities or have much in common with us. We live in a rural area with few neighbors and BM lives in a subdivision with a park for the teens to hang out.

So, BM has put this ball in DH court and he is being made the bad guy b/c he doesn't want to let her go.

SD promised me that if I could get this to happen, it would make the difference in her being a well adjusted happy teen, which she currently is NOT. She says that being forced into going back and forth is what is causing her grief. When I told DH that, he stopped being so unreasonable and felt bad for her.

Then he said, "If BM wants me to give up my custody, why couldn't I ask her to give up her custody of the twins? Put this ball in her court." So, basically it's come to "if I give you D I want the twins"

So, should I pass on this information to SD? BTW...BM will not talk to me about anything skid related, otherwise I would ask her myself.

It seems like an endless parade of games and childish behavior to even put SD-14 and myself in the middle of their custody problems. But, seriously, I like the idea of getting rid of SD (who calls me a whore and a psycho bitch for getting mad at her for slamming my door). Not only that, but then I would have the twins full time and be able to help them become more self sufficient and emotionally stable.

What would you do?

Comments

SusiQ's picture

Submitted by SusiQ on Wed, 10/20/2010 - 9:25am

Why would you even entertain this idea? BM is a sociopath and you want to send SD to live with her?? I wouldn't share that info with SD either - She is the child and it's not her decision or choice and she shouldn't be int he middle.
There is another post about this out there today and as a SM who watched my DH go from full custody to basically zero relationship with his son because he wanted to live with BM, I wouldn't even stick my nose into this conversation. Make her talk to her dad if she wants a change but you & your DH need to make the best decision for the child not just because she wants it.

Ingrid's picture

Submitted by Ingrid on Wed, 10/20/2010 - 9:45am

SusiQ-Thank you for your reply. I have to laugh a little...BM has not been diagnosed as a sociopath, she is just your normal jealous ex who tries to create problems on a continuous basis. She is a decent Mom, according to her world and SD has so much in common with her. Not only that but SD is so loyal to her Mom that she makes up reasons not to like me when I know she does.
BM only lives 12 minutes from us and currently there is no relationship with DH and SD so what difference would it really make? Given this situation, I truly believe she doesn't like her Dad because he wont let her live with her Mom.

SusiQ's picture

Submitted by SusiQ on Wed, 10/20/2010 - 10:16am

So she's just a normal sociopath?? Ok I get it. No but seriously my DH & SS were super close and when SS went to live with his mom - She was a SAHM so he was there every vacation, all summer and at least EOW - that just ended and bascially DH was kicked to the curb. DH retained custody - I think just so that if it didn't work out, he could pull SS back. In our eyes it didn't work out - SS is of entitled attitude and has no idea what the world is like at 22 and basically taking his direction for BM.

caregiver1127's picture

Submitted by caregiver1127 on Wed, 10/20/2010 - 9:27am

Your DH and his ex need to talk it out - when SS was 13 he wanted to go back to live with his mother - DH talked to him and then talked to her and DH let him go but also stipulated that SS could not come back - we are 700 miles apart and this was the third change. It has worked out really well and SS is happy - BM has been talking shit about us but DH is of the mindset that when SS graduates high school and is on his own if he does not want a relationship with Dh - that will be his problem. I would let her go and tell the BM that you want the twins but your DH has to do the talking. Good luck!

Ingrid's picture

Submitted by Ingrid on Wed, 10/20/2010 - 9:38am

caregiver1127- I always enjoy reading your replies. You seem very wise. This is exactly the way I saw it myself. DH doesn't call BM for ANYTHING, but BM will call him. So, what do you think about me telling SD to have her Mom call her Dad?

caregiver1127's picture

Submitted by caregiver1127 on Wed, 10/20/2010 - 9:44am

It is a starting point - if the bm really wants her to move there full time then she needs to put her money where her mouth is and make it happen - it might be better for the family dynamics all around. My ss is 12 years older than DD and the age difference was too big - I am glad that they get to visit but that they are separated - I thought it would be great for them to grow up together but the stress of the last year he lived with us was too much. Let her go but make sure she knows she has to stay - she can't keep going back and forth everytime she had issues with the CP.

PS - not so wise just am very realistic and down to earth - have had a lot of life experiences that has taught me the right and wrong way of doing things and I have incredible parents who taught me to be a nice human being!

Ingrid's picture

Submitted by Ingrid on Wed, 10/20/2010 - 9:51am

caregiver1127-Good to know, thanks for sharing your experience. Honestly, I think this would be for the best. FOR EVERYONE!

PS.-I was raised in that same environment. That is one reason I continue to feel out of place in this family. I, Like you, continue to put my right from wrong attitude into play with this family and hope they follow my example.

Ingrid's picture

Submitted by Ingrid on Wed, 10/20/2010 - 10:04am

maux- LMAO! True that!

Still, it's not my style to talk to children about adult business. But I think I will have her tell her Mom to call DH to discuss a possible trade.

caregiver1127's picture

Submitted by caregiver1127 on Wed, 10/20/2010 - 10:15am

Ingrid tell Dh to tell Bm that he will trade her 1 bitchy queen for 2 jacks - haha - hope it all works out for your guys - this just may be the solution that everyone has been looking for but to afraid to put into words. When SS wanted to move back with his mother because my daughter at the age of 9 months was demanding too much attention - BM wrote us a letter saying that we were not to make him feel bad for wanting to live with her - DH wrote back don't worry - if he wants to go he is welcome to and that he had told SS that 2 months before it all went down.

prayerhelps's picture

Submitted by prayerhelps on Wed, 10/20/2010 - 10:10am

I do not like the "trade these kids for that one." Just MHO. I DO think that the BM needs to contact DH about this, since SD has talked to her about it, and not DH. It is between the parents, with your input w/DH of course.

starfish's picture

Submitted by starfish on Wed, 10/20/2010 - 10:15am

i would be crazy happy if sd wanted to live with bm full time...

i don't think you should "discuss" all the details with sd, but it's not going to be a big huge secret, you know bm will tell her everything.

and does it have to be d for twins? or can sd go to bm's full time and you continue the 50/50 with twins? you're only 12 minutes apart, so it's not like dh will never see sd. and it's not like bm is taking sd away, sd wants to live closer to her friends, but dh's approach sounds a bit unfair, punishing bm b/c sd wants to live with her iinstead of him..

good luck and congrats on the possibility of getting rid of sd.

Ingrid's picture

Submitted by Ingrid on Wed, 10/20/2010 - 10:31am

I just got off the phone with DH.

I told him all the great advice you all gave us on this issue and the conclusion is this:
Theoretically speaking

Since we both will soon have full time jobs, if the twins lived with us full time, they would need to go to a bbsitter before and after school for an hour. Why not have BM be the bbsitter? She would see them every day and they would not have to pack their shit and move every Sunday. Win, win.

SD-14 can stop hating DH for not giving her her way. Win, win.

AND...MAYBE...the adults might find a way to work together without putting the skids in the middle. Wish, wish.

PS- None of this may ever come to fruition, but...a girl can dream, can't she?

overit2's picture

Submitted by overit2 on Wed, 10/20/2010 - 11:55am

Umm...the other parent is NOT a babysitter-it's their parent...frankly your husbands approach of swapping tit for tat as if they're posessions is alarming.

Many times teens do this about wanting to go w/the other parent-especially if their friends are all there. I guess if you see them (kids) as an extension of yourself rather then people you might get greatly offended and offer one kid for the other set. Ughhh.

If she has more in common w/mom and wants to be near her friends-as long as she did mantain visitation I'd allow it temporarily.

Remind your husband that kids arent' "things" to be traded with or swapped.

Ingrid's picture

Submitted by Ingrid on Wed, 10/20/2010 - 12:48pm

Overit-I apologize for using terminology that might offend you. If you read into it you will see that I am not seeing this as a trade as much as a way to get my skids from packing their suitcase and moving every Sunday. They hate it and so do we (the adults).

Swapped, traded, tit for tat...terminology used for the sake of the conversation...nothing more.

overit2's picture

Submitted by overit2 on Wed, 10/20/2010 - 12:56pm

Ahhh...ok. Sorry I jumped on that...it totally did rub me wrong.

Believe me, I can relate to the annoyance of packing the bags...and 50/50 IS hard on the kids for many reasons. Including the packing.

Of course it's easy to say...well they should keep clothes here and there and never pack..but with kids? that's impossible, they want certain items, favorites, toys, etc. It would take a lot of $ to have replicas at each house Smile ANd it IS a pain to do the bags thing.

I know I have to pack their bags every other wknd and it's annoying but hey-they didn't ask for two homes or visitation so we bite the bullet.

I just had a vent about this the other day because my bf's ex-wife made her 9 yr old get up at 5AM on a school day to pack her own bag and do her own laundry to go to her dads that day. It made me want to strangle her honestly.

Ingrid's picture

Submitted by Ingrid on Wed, 10/20/2010 - 1:10pm

Yeah...It's all such a drag. If only we could just avoid divorce, then these problems wouldn't exist for our children.

Ingrid's picture

Submitted by Ingrid on Wed, 10/20/2010 - 1:00pm

overit2- Just so you can get to know me a little better...Once upon a time I was married to a man who had 2 children with another woman. We did not have a custody agreement. She worked nights and we worked days. We leaned on each other to make sure the kids were taken care of...including my BD. We called each other bbsitter as a joke. It was a grown up exchange of time spent with the children that we all enjoyed together. Having coffee together on the pick up and drop offs. The ex was even in our wedding.

Today, we still have amiable relations and the children are very well adjusted teens.

I hope that you understand that I take a lot of pride in making sure the children are getting what they need and want from us as adults and I know it will take some time to work all this out.

SillyGilly's picture

Submitted by SillyGilly on Wed, 10/20/2010 - 11:43am

IMHO:
#1 - SD needs to speak with DH about it. If she wants such a big change and feels her voice should be heard, she needs to be able to have the courage to voice it.
#2 - Then DH and BM need to hash it out and leave SD out of it. This might be a great opportunity to say to BM "While on the topic of switching I have been meaning to talk to you about twins..."
#3 - Have a formal arrangement that still has set times when SD is required to spend time at your house so she still has a relationship with DH. Since she is a teen I would not recommend weekends. Then she would really hate your house if she had to miss social events with her friends.

Good luck!