An Open Letter to my SD
After 20 years, I never thought I would be writing this. I never thought I would say "You Win." I never thought we were in a battle.
Since you were 7 years old, I have supported your relationship with your father. I never ever asked him to choose between you and me. I supported you even when your father was mad at hell at you and didn't want to see you. I supported you when you were a spoiled bored brat with chicken pox who insisted on coming over anyway. It hurt me that your father would put my health in such danger, since chicken pox can be fatal in adults. But you were allowed to come over anyway since you were bored. I supported your father when he bought you a car. I helped your father pay for your college. I listened to your boyfriend woes. For all those years when you were growing up, we dragged you to multiple Christmases and holidays so that you could see "all" of your family. Often to the detriment of me spending time with my parents. My dad is gone now, and I regret the holidays I could not spend with him because we were so busy dragging you around. We dropped everything for your every-weekend visits. We did no work around the house; we entertained you every weekend
And now you want YOUR children to be treated the same way, dinner and gifts every weekend. And when I put my foot down, your father got mad. These are YOUR children, not ours. They are YOUR responsibility. You have a HUSBAND that you should be devoted to.
For all the support I have given you over the last 20 years, I cannot believe that you have turned against me. Since your father has chosen YOU over his wife, all I can say is YOU WIN.
- apete's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Oh.... sad! It is a thankless
Oh.... sad!
It is a thankless job. But, I will tell you, that you must take care of YOU first. Really! After 4 years of a being a SM.... I make sure, that my children, my relationship with my family do not suffer because my SD needs this or that.... So that in the future, I cannot look back and say.... you ungrateful so and so.... after all I have given up for you! That grown child will say...."huh?".... because they are clueless to your needs.
Stand firm. Take care of yourself, and your grandchildren after.
yes SO SORRY.wITH ALL BAD
yes SO SORRY.wITH ALL BAD THINGS COME GOOD.SRY THAT SD DID THAT TO U.
I think that is what gets me
I think that is what gets me the most. The time we cannot take back. I dont want to raise my stepkids only to realize I was just the babysitter and such as that.
I'm sorry I can't imagine
I'm sorry
I can't imagine how you must feel.
Apete, I hope you did not
Apete,
I hope you did not send that!! I agree it is good to get vents out but, looking at this from a different view, it sounds like you are blaming her for a lot of things that were COMPLETELY out of her control.
And I am sure there is a lot more to it, but I would not send THIS letter because of the way it sounds.
Sorry, and hope it gets better.
I did not send it. However,
I did not send it.
However, this birthday party thing is COMPLETELY IN her control.
And not one ounce of gratitude when I pointed out how much I have helped her. All I get is that I am not "grateful enough" for the SGKs. Nope. I'm not.
I did not send it. However,
I did not send it.
However, this birthday party thing is COMPLETELY IN her control.
And not one ounce of gratitude when I pointed out how much I have helped her. All I get is that I am not "grateful enough" for the SGKs. Nope. I'm not.
So sorry you have been
i hope you didn't send it
i hope you didn't send it either....... b/c i don't think you should give her the satisfaction...
let dh get pissed, f it, she's not a child anymore ~
With everything I have read
With everything I have read about this situation, I would not be around for this birthday party. If this was my husband he could lump it. You do what is best for you. Forget the SD and her family. Go get a massage that day.
Wow. Definitely know how
Wow. Definitely know how that feels. I took on my two steps when they were sd9 and ss5. I treated them as my own and sacraficed a lot of my own time with the early stages of my marriage with my DH when it was supposed to be just us. I attended every soccer event, every school event, every field trip, ever Girl Scout function, every play, music evnet, and every other event that their BM could not be bothered with. The second I disagreed with them and stopped walking on eggshells and stopped conforming to thier lives, they turned on me. Now, their BM is the best thing since sliced bread. And although it was a wasteful time, I don't regret it. Only because it's the person I am. I would not have done it any other way. That puts me in a whole different class then the lot of them. I am okay with that. I sleep well. I pour the same time into my own BC, if not more. Good luck. I disagree with most...if you feel the need to get it off your chest and send the letter, do it. She is an adult and she should know how you feel. If she doesn't like it, too bad. You don't like her behavior either, but that doesn't stop her from doing it.
I tend to agree with sending
I tend to agree with sending the letter. At this point, there is so much anger and frustration that maybe, just maybe, it will open up SD's or DH's eyes. If not, it doesn't sound like there's too much to lose. Sometimes you just have to "let it go".
And, KathyB, I too had the skadults turn on me as soon as it wasn't all going exactly as THEY wanted it. I feel your pain. I put up with far more from them than I'd ever tolerate from my own, all in the name of family unity. You know what? They didn't give a fig about family unity! As long as I was there to do for them, spend on them, take them places, life was good. But, when I got completely fed up with being used and abused, and I ended it, I became the bad guy. Whatever! Now I spend more time with my own adult child and her family and our friends that got pushed to the side because I was so busy with the skadults. I know it's put a "chink" in my armour as far my standing with DH. And, I'm kind of to the point of "get over it or get out". I'm just not in the habit of begging people to like me!
Everything will work out...always does....sometimes not quite like we planned, but it works out....
She was 10 with the chicken
She was 10 with the chicken pox. No, I don't think she came over intentionally! Yes, it's one of the many things bottled up.
This weekend really takes the cake, and that's why I'm so upset. We didn't make the "A" list for the twins' birthday. The "A" list was SD's family and her husband's family. This was a party she threw. Then she calls up and says, "Dad, when are you going to have your party?"
She is DH's only child and he's never said "no" to her. However, I have never messed in her marriage, and now she is messing in mine (hubby made fun of my new glasses and I vented on FB - she got mad and said it "hurt" her feelings and said we should just get divorced. Of course she relayed it to DH but I don't care about that. What made me mad is when I told her she didn't have the right to be meddling in my marriage and reminded her that I have supported her, she said I am not "grateful" for my sgkds.
I have been through hell this spring and summer, with a cancer scare, followed by an endometrial ablation, followed by a diagnosis of clinical depression. I am seeking help, am on prescribed meds, still work full time, and I sure don't need THIS kind of crap from her!
Sounds like your cup has been
Sounds like your cup has been running over for a while. You're right - you don't need that crap from her, so don't take it. If she wants daddy-o to throw a party for the grandkids, then by all means, he can have at it. You on the other hand need to call up a friend and go out to dinner or go shopping or whatever hobby you enjoy that gets you out of the house and away from the lunacy. Stop being the doormat.
BTW, I like your letter but I think I would sit on it for a while before entertaining the thought of actually giving it to her. Don't let her win, and i'm sure if she did read it, she wouldn't understand anyways.
Good luck to you.
I'm thinking something along
I'm thinking something along the line of a "Chuckee Cheese" or similar type party place. It's fairly cheap and no effort would be required even on DH's behalf. DH could handle this kind of party himself! Then suffer a last minute migraine so you will not have to attend and relax at home in the peace and quiet! Tell DH when he walks out the door how "thankful" you are to have him to take care of this for you considering how sick you are!
That's nowhere near severe
That's nowhere near severe enough.
Accompany it with diarreah. Anytime I don't want to do something, I just pull out the old diarreah card. What are they going to do? Chase me into the restroom to verify? Not on your life.
Definately diarreah.
"We didn't make the "A" list
"We didn't make the "A" list for the twins' birthday. The "A" list was SD's family and her husband's family. This was a party she threw. Then she calls up and says, "Dad, when are you going to have your party?"
--I'm not sure if I am missing something here? Forgive me, but why do the spoiled 'lil precious's get 2 parties again? If you didn't make the A list, then why on earth are YOU required to have a party? Donthinkso, and that ungrateful remark? Meddling in your marriage? And...you don't want to unfriend her, why?
I must be missing something here and I apologize if I am! :?
We are "unfriended" now. The
We are "unfriended" now.
The big shindig is Saturday, I am just going to do my best to be polite. I went ahead and invited my mom and sis so at least I will have some allies. I phoned SD yesterday (stupid me trying to be nice again) and told her I would get things ready but if she didn't want me there I would leave. She comes up with "if you can be there FOR THE GIRLS then that's fine you don't have to talk to me but if you don't want to be there FOR THE GIRLS then that's fine too." FOR THE GIRLS? This sounds to me like its more for MOM than the girls. Then she comes up with this by now ancient facebook brouhaha and says "you shouldn't go public with things like that." Public? FB isn't public, it's my friends (which she isn't anymore). And I will be darned if I am going to let this spoiled brat tell me what I can and cannot write when and where I want.
I know this sounds harsh but after two decades I just did not see this coming.
For some reason she thinks we should just drop everything whenever she wants so that we can "come see the girls." Yes I wanted to be part of their lives but I didn't want a relationship forced on me. And yes there are weekends that I prefer to do my dog shows but I am just not ready, at this point in my life, to give up every weekend to take SD and the girls out for dinner and then shower them with more toys.
Sorry if I am ranting I didn't sleep much last night, have to drag myself into work today and then go shopping for this stupid shindig.
When did it become the
When did it become the grandparents job to throw birthday parties for grandchildren? That is on the parent. My husband and I have five kids between the two of us. NO WAY! I will gladly attend birthday parties for our grandchildren (when/if we have grandchildren) but I will definately not be throwing them. That goes for both my bios and the steps.
Stepaside you are right, dont
Stepaside you are right, dont host the party, but if you do I like the diarrhea card. Ask you DH if he can hold your hand so you don't feel so uncomfortable. See if he will be by your side with his arm around you.
I am glad to know that even if i was still engaged there would be no reward for it even when SD is gone. I don't want to reqret, so thank you for sharing.
I would not give her to glory to know how you feel, she will probably gloat about it. She doesn't deserve to know how you feel because she wont feel sorry for you. Don't send the letter.