Please Advise!! Quickly.....
So, if you've read any of my recent blogs, you know the skids, DH and I had a "talk" Saturday night about the skids not doing any chores or even cleaning their rooms. DH explained I would be respected since I pay the bills in the house to help maintain them. SS22 doesn't seem to hold a grudge, although his opinion is that since he's lived here for 8 years, it's his home; he can do what he wants - no chores.
SD16 hasn't spoken to me since Saturday night. We never really engage in true conversation unless I start it, but there hasn't been a word uttered since Saturday.
I don't care to speak to her. During that conversation on Saturday, she told her father "it's OUR room" as a reason not to have to clean it. She also hasn't respected that her father told her to clean the bathroom.
One of the big things that bothers me is that the skids not only keep their rooms a mess, but they don't wash their dishes if the clean dishes in the dishwasher haven't been unloaded. This, too, was addressed to them on Saturday night. That same night, there were two dirty pans on the stove. That same night, he told them they needed to clean them. The next night, my DH cleaned them up. Neither of the skids cleaned up.
This morning, dirty dishes in the sink! Ugh!!!
HERE'S WHAT I NEED HELP WITH: since SD16 and I haven't spoken, he said to me before leaving to work, "It would be nice if you started a conversation with SD." I said, "why?" He asked me if it were he and my BS16 going through this, wouldn't it bother me? I told him my BS16 would have to learn his place in the house. My BS16 lives with his dad and dad's GF.
SO DO I START TALKING TO SD16? I don't understand why I have to be the one who tries to keep the peace. I'm the adult - that's DH's reason. Well if I'm the adult, why doesn't anyone respect what I say? Why doesn't he get on her back about cleaning that disgusting room? Why is he on my back?
WHAT'S YOUR ADVISE?
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Comments
Since they like to live like
Since they like to live like pigs put the dirty dishes in their beds maybe they will get the hint then.
Sounds like you and DH need
Sounds like you and DH need to have a talk too. It would start by you saying "honey, somethings bothering me. We had this meeting with the kids in Saturday but nothing seems to have changed. I feel since they are your kids you need to speak to them about the fact that nothing zip nada has happened that you and I spoke about. I believe it needs to come from you! And for the record, I will not be cleaning up after them until something happens. I dont care how huge the pots and pans and dirty dishes go, it's not my respondibilty to do all the work around here with one adult child and another one who should know better at 16."
Then dont do anything and see if DH steps up when he sees the mess. He may clean it himself but he will quickly grow tired of that.
is it so freakin hard to wash
is it so freakin hard to wash the dish? i cant bring myself to doing stuff like that. plus, knowing them, they'll just leave the dishes in there!
what do i tell dh about not talking to sd?
Tell him you aren't going to
Tell him you aren't going to waste your breathe talking to someone who doesn't respect you and that you'd rather not talk to her if she's not going to listen or she's going to start arguments.
What do you need to talk to
What do you need to talk to her about?
What do you need to talk to her for?
Is there an emergency or something?
I don't know why you have to make the effort first! What's the point? But if you "need" to talk to her, then do. Keep it casual short and sweet. Then ask her how she would feel if she asked you to do something and you didn't do it. Would she be hurt? Upset? What would be her feeling and why does she feel it's ok to act this way towards you and her father? Let her know you want to understand but simply can't because it just doesn't make sense, why someone would not respect an adult who provides a roof and food for their children.
Ask her to explain...it's her behavior and you are not responsible. She needs to own it!
I would tell DH that as the
I would tell DH that as the adult, you have made a decision to not cater to children's temper tantrums. When his children can act their age, you will engage them in age-appropriate converstation. Until then, you're not rewarding the silent treatment and disrespect for house rules with faux concern.
But then again, I'm a bitch.
We're gonna end up having the
We're gonna end up having the same argument about the skids cleaning up after themselves!! The same crap!
But what should I tell him about SD16 and I not talking?
It's also time to start
It's also time to start charging the adult rent and/or maid service fees.
I agree and disagree with
I agree and disagree with your DH... Yes, you are the adult so you should be the one better suited to rise above the stalemate with your SD and initiate a conversation. Could be something simple like "how was school today?" If her answer is "fine" and nothing more, then so be it, you did your part in at least trying.
The person you SHOULD be giving the silent treatment to is your DH. Gawd forbid he should be the disciplinarian and actually make his children do as he asks?? Are there ever any consequences for them not doing as they are asked?? I used to give my mother the same old room arguement I remember my exact words to her like it was yesterday! "Well it's MY room, so if you don't like it being a mess then don't come in it!" She would say "well it's MY house and until you pay rent then you'll keep your room clean". At that point I was normally told that I was not to be seen outside of my room until it was clean. GAME OVER!
It sounds to me like your Skids have been allowed by their father to pick and choose what they will and won't do and HE is the one that needs to put a stop to that.. in their defense, HE has created these monsters!
Oh gosh no!!!SS22 is a
Oh gosh no!!!SS22 is a college student! God forbid we make him do anything. Oh no!! He's a good kid.
That's the bullshit I get!!
I guess I'm just disengaging. I've read about it in Stepmonster. I am the one who usually says, "hey SD, how was your day?" "hey SD, what time to do you go to work?" "hey SD, what's going on"
I'm tired of being emotionally disrespected and I'm tired of trying. Why do I have to keep bending over backwards?
He just doesn't get it.
ANY MORE ADVICE?
Amen. My 19 year old goes to
Amen. My 19 year old goes to college, works and takes care of her son and she's able to pick up after herself and her child. There is no reason someone should be able to use the excuse they are a skid to not have to clean. The DH needs to have his spawn clean up after themselves or he needs to do it. It's not like they are being asked to shingle the roof or anything hard. I wouldn't tolerate it from my SS and I didn't tolerate it from my own kids. It's called piss poor parenting and he needs to take the burden himself for his kids behavior and stop expecting you to.
He doesn't get it!! I sit
He doesn't get it!! I sit here by myself and crying over this situation. I don't want another failed relationship. I didn't think this was going to be so hard!
I love my husband, but I hate living here like this. I'm not used to this. I hate it.
I know he's depressed over it, and he thinks I need to stick my neck out again.
The point is, he just doesn't get it and the situation doesn't change.
THANKS FOR THE ADVISE.....ANYMORE???
A chore list with names and
A chore list with names and days of the week will help address this. My wife and I nave a periodic "discussion" on her "just help" statments. When she wants help, I ask her what she wants me to do. I usually get "if something needs done, do it".
That does not work. When it comes to chores specifics help keep everyone focused on their contribution to keeping the housea and a list helps with follow through and accountability.
Everyone should do their own laundry and clean their room and the bathroom that they use. Put all of this on a list referecing the specific room and bathroom and schedule for cleaning (daily).
The common areas should be identified and rotated between the kids with periodic participation from the adults. IMHO.
Whoever cooks, does not clean up after dinner. Everyone else helps clean up immediately after dinner. If anyone uses dishes at times other than meals, they clean them and put them away immediately after they are done with them.
We also have the no dishes in the bedrooms rule. This keeps these things where they can be easily harvested for cleaning if things stack up for a day or two.
List, list, list.
IMHO of course.
Best regards,
Sounds right to me. I guess I
Sounds right to me. I guess I have to detail: pick up dirty and clean panties off your floor and put them in a drawer or your hamper as appropriate. Put all your lose tampons away in the box they came in. Pull the fitted sheet on your mattress so it stays in place.
NO EXAGGERATION!! This is what a 16 y/o young lady does in the room I pay for!!
I will bring the idea of a list up to my DH!!
This man and his ex raised
This man and his ex raised their kids without the concept of consequences. DH says no, that's not the case.
This is my thinking, if SD16 doesn't clean her room, she can't go out on Friday night. DOES THAT SOUND FAIR???
So if they were raised doing chores and with consequences, then they are being parented out of guilt for being from divorced parents!! HUGE MISTAKE.
The divorce between my ex and I was my fault. HOWEVER, I don't let my bio sons to use my mistake as a way to hold me HOSTAGE as a parent. They are NOT allowed to use my mistake as a way to stop me from disciplining them when I need to. THEY TRIED TO DO THIS. But I knew if I let them, it would never stop.
My DH is a pushover. He's gonna end up alone, no kids, no wife!!
My SDs went through a period
My SDs went through a period of not wanting to put their clothes away. Well, if I wash them, they can put them away. My DS was doing all his own laundry since he was 13 or 14. OSD is 15 and doesn't know how to wash clothes at all. Anyway, I figured out they were just cramming their clothes in whatever drawer they could instead of actually hanging them up or putting them in the appropriate drawer. So one Saturday morning I went into each of their rooms, opened every single drawer and dumped them in the middle of the floor and then took everything out of the closet and dumped it in the mix then I stood there and watched while they had to separate everything and put it away correctly.
Messy rooms I can handle, sheer laziness doesn't fly.
I printed this article out.
I printed this article out. I've read it once so I'm gonna read it again. If he reads it, it'll be a miracle.
Neither one of us knows how to do this blended family thing. I'm going to the doc today and asking for a referral to go to counseling. DH doesn't want to go.
I can only do so much. I just don't want to be stepped on anymore.
I say talk to her. Sit down
I say talk to her. Sit down and get out all your differences. If it doesn't work and she continues to be a spoiled brat you can tell your husband you tried and go on ignoring her. You can always ignore her but don't you think its worth a shot to sit down and have a talk with her just to see what happens? If you do it calmly and respectfully I think you might just get through to her. 16 is a touchy age, especially for girls they think they should be treated as "adults". So if you treat her as an "adult" and have a civil conversation I think it would benefit you both.