DH and I had set up a meeting with SD's therapist and BM to discuss SD's college. DH was only in town for 2 days so we had to do it on one of those 2 days - bummer. We did it with SD's therapist because SD has so many issues with her mom and because BM might not listen to DH and I, but she may to SD's doctor.

Anyway, our purpose of the meeting was not to discuss completely paying for SD's college! BM believes that SD's college should be paid for. The other half of that sentence is that BM believes that SD's college should be paid for.... by DH and I, with her contributing a little here and there. (Just like she does with SD's life now, pretty much.)

DH and I are in the same belief as the others that wrote to me before. College is not a given. College is not owed. As SD's parents, we should try to help out IF we can, but SD has to have some "skin in the game". We have been reiterating this stance with SD, SD's guidance counselor, SD's teachers, and SD's therapist for the past year. We do "okay". We are middle class. We have a number in mind that we can try to help SD with college, but we are NOT going to use up our retirement or put our future on hold any longer. Our point of view is that college benefits SD ONLY. DH and I do not reap the financial rewards of SD getting this education. All we get is to say that our SD has her masters in Social Work, and to know that we tried to help her as much as we can!

Having that in mind, DH and I went into the meeting with these ideas:
1. DH and I have an approxiate idea of what we can pay toward SD's college. BM needs to start seriously thinking about what she is going to contribute and not just fluff it off (like she does with child support & extracurricals).

2. We suggested that after SD gets all of her packages, we look at the best value (most affordable, included) and split it 3 ways - SD 1/3, BM 1/3, DH 1/3. BM had an issue that DH & I have 1/3. But we pointed out to BM that by me giving up my career and staying home so SD can live with us, I have lost over $50,000 in income since May of 2009. THAT is my contribution to SD's college. BM didn't say anything when we brought that up. If BM won't cover a third, then her and SD can discuss what she will cover. If SD wants to go to a more expensive college than what we are willing to pay, then SD is responsible for the overage of what our third would be.

3. An agreement will be signed by DH, BM and SD and I guess me. These are the stipulations we made for the agreement.
a. Each taking 1/3 or amount they agree to.
b. If SD fails a semester(s) for ANY reason whatsoever she is responsible for paying for that semester(s).
c. If SD drops out, she is responsible FOR ALL OF THE COSTS of the college education so far.
d. When it comes to co-signing on loans for SD, BM and DH will tag team and take 2 years each alternating.

DH and I think this is very fair. BM on the other hand would not commit, or even come up with any suggestions or alternating concerns. She didn't think that SD should have to pay at all, yet wasn't willing to say she'd pay half. Basically, she wanted us to pay for most of it.

We laid it all out and the therapist helped us hammer out some of those stipulations. There was tension, when we brought up that BM owes DH $30,000 from his share of the marital residence ($20,000) plus back child support ($10,000). We told BM in the office that there is no way in hell that she will pay DH that money and then turn around and say to SD that she just gave DH $30k, so SD should get her college from him. Of course, she made a big show of being insulted and said that she would never do that!! I was so frustrated at that point, I said to her in the office, "You know, I'd like to believe you, but based on your and your family's past history, and some of the f*cked up sh*t you have said to SD about DH and I, we can't trust you not to say this." And then DH jumped in and said a few things himself.

When we got outside, BM was still saying she would never do that. And I just lost it and said that her family has specifically said stuff to each other while SD was around, saying how we were doing great with money and how poor BM was struggling and DH didn't help her. That is a bunch of crap. And then, BM said what threw me over the edge - She started to say to DH, "Well, there were times you didn't ...."

DH was saying, "F*ck this, lt's go". And I went off. I told BM that she's got a bad relationship with her daughter, and that her own daughter feels like BM keeping the house is more important than helping her own kid grow up. I told her that I WAS THERE when she would call DH for even more money than he had already given her, and saw him not eat, not have gas money so he could give her extra (when I first met DH, BM had primary custody). I reminded BM of the home equity loan that DH signed off on when they still had the house in both names where she got $12k to pay off bills and he took home none of it. BM was saying stuff like "Oh, you think you're better than me?" and "Oh, I DON'T HAVE A BAD RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAUGHTER!!" Both DH and I told BM... "Your daughter wouldn't even visit with you for a year, would barely talk to you, and didn't want you to even touch her for a hug!!" How can you think that's a good relationship?"

BM kept putting DH down, and DH was telling BM that she's crazy if she thinks her daughter and her have a good relationship. And finally, BM asked me point blank.. "Do you think I care more about having the house from the marriage than I do my own daughter?" (the reason this is a hot button is because BM is house poor. She fought tooth & nail for that house, but can't afford child support or college, and when SD lived there, couldn't afford heat or a stove that worked, etc.) So, I told BM YES. YES I DO THINK BM YOU CARE MORE ABOUT THAT HOUSE, YOU HAVE FOUGHT MORE FOR THAT HOUSE, THAN YOUR OWN KID. BM started screaming all kinds of general sh*t at me. Before, I had my voice raised. But at that point, I screamed right back at her.. "WE ARE DOING YOU A FAVOR BY LETTING YOU OWE DH CHILD SUPPORT UNTIL YOU CAN GET IT TOGETHER. IF YOU KEEP THIS UP, WE WILL MARCH RIGHT DOWN TO CHILD SUPPORT SERVICES TOMORROW AND FILE, AND THEY WILL GARNISH YOUR WAGES AND TAKE OUT THE MONTHLY AMOUNT, PLUS ALL OF THE BACK SUPPORT YOU CURRENTLY OWE DH." Dh was already in the car, trying to get me to leave. So I got in the car, and DH was trying to shut his door, but BM was standing in front of it. And after I threatened that, of course, she calmed right down, and was like "I don't want us to be this way. I just want us to all get along for SD." DH told her to go talk to her own daughter and be careful what she says and that he was done. To leave us alone.

For any that think I have overstepped, I am raising this kid right now. My life is completely affected by BM being a jerk. DH and I are on the same page. He has offered to get off the road, so I can go back on, but he has one of the best opportunities in our field. Neither one of us want him to give that up.

BM owes DH that money and if she doesn't pay DH in full by May 1st, DH gets the title to the marital residence.

It's a sticky ugly situation. It was a lot of yelling and screaming in the parking lot, and BM saying "I'm a good mother, you don't think I'm a good mother! Who the hell are you?" And of course, she threw out the whole "But you didn't carry her for 9 months..."

Ugh..