sd and her stupid shoes!!!
sd bd and bs (and myself) went shopping. sd needed school shoes so my boyfriend gave her 60 bucks so pick some up. we went to tj maxx an she had no luck. we went to the mall, we went to tradehome shoes and she found a pair she really liked and i said "well lets go to some other places and see if u can find a pair u like even better?"
so we went to like 5 other places and one of those places she found a pair she really likes but were 80 bucks and i said "well u dont have that much money what do u wanna do" and she says "i wanna go back to the first store and get those ones i originally wanted" so we did i asked her if they fit okay and she said they were a little big and i said "well ur not wearing socks so theyll probably feel better with socks on" an she agreed. turns out the shoes were only 40 bucks so we went to wet seal and picked out a couple outfits.i made a stop at vs.haha. when we were on our way home we talked about how nice her shoes will look with her outfits and when we got home she showed her brothers and my boyfriend her shoes and said how much she liked them. well 2 weeks later come to find out she was talking on the phone to my boyfriend and told him she exchanged the shoes. and he asked y and she says" bc she never gave me enough time to look and rushed me and they hurt my feet " and basically made up all these lies about me. so turns out she exchanged the shoes and got the ones she originally wanted for 80. and i think she mad up these lies about me so she could get her way and have a excuse too. so my boyfriend said she was lieing and she owes me an apology and she said no that im lieing and we havent talked for a month now bc of it. she comes on the weekends and we dont say a word. my boyfriend thinks " well u need to be an adult and stop acting so childish and just drop it, she makes it sound like ur lieing so i dunno" uh hello??? i am not just going to drop it. i deserve an apology, or something...?
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Your boyfriend already knows
Your boyfriend already knows she lied because he was there that day when she got home from shopping with you. The only person who doesn't know she lied about it is BM. why should you care what BM thinks about you?
I think the thing to do here in order to move on is to keep it in the back of your mind that she has issues with the truth and don't trust her until she proves she can be trusted. That is a conversation you should have with her with your boyfriend as well. You both should show a united front. But, I wouldn't continue to treat her any differently and keep this in the forefront. Kids lie all the time, its how you deal with it that matters. He's right, you are the adult.
She is being the typical kid.
She is being the typical kid. Annoying and manipulative yes. Unusual no. I agree with deliciairene. With teens...girls especially...you've got to let a lot of stuff just bounce off of you.
Glam mom - I think this is
Glam mom - I think this is one of those instants where it doesn't have to be a standoff, but you should also feel free to address any lies or exaggerations yourself and not have BF do it.
For example, when SD comes over, if it were me, I would have asked her right out... What happened to the shoes we picked up? How did they end up hurting your feet? Remember - these shoes were admittedly too big and the thought was that socks would help fill them out. So, it is quite possible that the socks either filled them out too much or not enough, and she was straining to keep them on. That could be a possibility, right??
In any event, when she came back with the line about how you "rushed her", that's where you have every right to say, "hmmm I didn't rush you as we visited stores a, b, c, d and e, and then ended up going BACK TO store a because of all the 20 pairs you tried on that day, you thought those would be best. I don't know what your idea of "rushing" is, but x hours of shopping for one pair of shoes is not it." And then leave it at that. She doesn't have to agree or disagree, but you definitely SHOULD NOT be afraid of confronting her yourself.
I think this is a big problem for a lot of women here. They feel that the SO should handle any kind of communication that is not in complete harmony with what the skids want. So some end up allowed to agree with skids, but not allowed to disagree with them. I personally believe - and have had much success with - not depending on SO to stand up for me, or always agree with me. If SO disagrees with something I tell SD, I generally tell them they ARE BOTH WRONG in my opinion, and I stand firm on it. Usually SO lets me say what I want because I phrase it in a way that's not accusatory. Believe me, when we first started dating, and when we moved, and as SD grew into a teenager - SO didn't always like what I had to say or how I said it. That didn't stop me from saying it. It may have tempered how I said something - or I may have rephrased it, but I still spoke up for myself.
I don't agree that SO' s have to fight ALL of our battles with skids for us. I never did. Some of them yes - and some of them - like yours, I believe - NO.
thanks i shouldnt hold onto
thanks i shouldnt hold onto it as strongly as i was but ur right -totallybogus- i should just keep it in the back of my head! its not a matter of just getting over it its a matter of moving forwards from it and i should talk to her and just get it off my chest, we actually have a great bond with each other i dont want to ruin it by my actions let alone hers. thanks
she is 12 going on 17 she is
she is 12 going on 17 she is manipulative and scanelous but for the most part we get along great. and i wouldnt be surprised if the bm feels that way. bm just told my boyfriend that shes ready to confront me about everything and i say bring it on! shes not a very good mom. sd has found drugs in the house multiple times and knows about it and what it is and bm denies it all. she makes me sick so i try to help out when i can and i think bm does resent me bc sd comes to me for advice and tell me something exciting or would rather go shopping with me etc. or at leats thats how it used to be before all this damn shoe business!
I think she always wanted the
I think she always wanted the $80 shoes - she got you to get her a pair for $40.00 plus some cute outfits - ran home told mommy dearest that you rushed her and now these shoes don't fit - as you said they were too loose in the store so how can they be tight. She then took back your shoes got the $40.00 for them and then her and BM went and got the $80.00 shoes that now only cost $40.00 for BM plus she got some outfits. This is typical behavior of most 12 years who feel they are entitled to anything they want. She has learned the art of manipulation - just let it go. And stay away from the BM - you do not want her to bring it on - stay away from her it will only cause more problems because you are dealing with a woman who does not think normal. You will never win.
I understand what you are
I understand what you are writing here caregiver, but I truly believe that staying away from BM and just letting it all go is the recipe for the manipulation and lies and BM causing trouble to continue. I also disagree that an SM will always lose when confronting BM. If nothing else - BM knows that SM isn't afraid to stand her ground and could give 2 shits how right BM thinks she is. That in itself, is a victory to me.
im not going to confront bm
im not going to confront bm on my own! i mean i have thought of maybe meeting her for coffee and having a little chat... but i keep having second thoughts on that one. but if she wants to confront me i have to have the bring it on attitude or else ill seem like a push over and shell walk all over me and manipulate me or try to anyways! as well... i know the type of person she is... a so called brawler... and shes bigger than me and does seem like tough stuff but we pretty much have a couple things in common like her kids for example and shes with them more often she should know how manipulative her daughter is and maybe actually consider my side of the story... i dunno its such a rediculous situation it just pisses me off but thanks caregiver... u have given great insight on my other blogs...
Yeah Stick - I tried that
Yeah Stick - I tried that tactic and my BM knows I am not afraid of her but it did then cause her to totally PAS my SS against DH and I. What I was trying to say is don't have the attitude of bring it on - you can't get into the head of crazy - you won't understand it and you won't win. The BM in my case cheated on DH with at least 4 different men - he has proof - emails, pictures, letters, phone bills with their numbers and now 7 years later she acts like it was DH's fault that the marriage did not work. It was all his fault and that she wanted it to work but he didn't. Even after all of that proof of infidelity DH still wanted to go to counseling and make it work. She didn't DH has a copy of an email where she wrote to her married boyfriend that their mediator thinks she is so far ahead of DH and he needs to go by himself and get help because she is over him. Now it is all his fault. So my point was don't let her push you around but also don't engage - believe me I have and while it felt good at the moment to let her know how I feel in the end it did not do any good. Psycho BM's are in a class all their own and it is best to give them a wide berth.
As my DH told me over dinner the other night - whatever his ex decides to do she will and no amount of fighting or bitching and screaming is going to change that. So she threatens he tells her how he is going to react and then she goes ballistic threatens to withhold visiting - he says okay and then a couple of days later she gives in because she wants the break. Now DH could fight with her and spend days texting, emailing and calling but he prefers to let the chips fall where they may. SS is going to be 17 and will soon need to make the decision of how he is going to treat each parent and what relationship he will have with them. DH says he hopes for a good one but that is up to SS.
Caregiver - one thing that
Caregiver - one thing that your husband may want to consider - now that SS is 17, is that BM should not have all of the PAS game in hand. Meaning that when BM tries to PAS SS 17, it should now not be out of the realm of reality for your DH to tell BM that she can tell SS whatever she wants, but now that SS is older, so will he!
SD's BM over here and her family was saying all kinds of things about DH and I. Finally, we had had enough. SD was 13/14 years old. We told SD the truth. We told her that DH did support BM for a very long time and gave her so much money that he put himself into debt doing so. We told her that we didn't ask her mom for child support (at the time, since has changed) because we didn't want to put a financial strain on her mom, even though we were entitled to child support. We gave SD the FACTS regarding all of the LIES that BM and her family were telling. And when we did so, we said to SD - "This is enough. You are old enough to make up your own mind, but this is our version of what happened, and why it did. " We had to do this. BM was not only spreading shit around SD, she was starting to tell SD's friends lies so that they could sway SD into staying with BM. It was awful.
When we went to therapy with SD, we confided our displeasure at what we had done, but also the feeling of helplessness we had. That if we didn't SD would be at best confused, at worst fall for all of the lies BM and her family were telling. Surprisingly, the therapist agreed that we did the right thing! Unfortunately, since BM "started confiding" her lies, we were okay to give SD an alternate version -or our version, and let SD make up her mind. SD was old enough.
I think your SS is old enough to eventually learn as much as DH wants him to know. Perhaps not all of the infidelities. But definitely that the breakup was not as BM would have SS believe.
And as far as BM - when I say confront Glam-mom - I don't mean TAKE ON in a physical altercation!! I just mean, don't be afraid to say the truth.
oh no i wouldnt be physical!
oh no i wouldnt be physical! i think she might be but i would never... haha id lose!!! but then i could get a restraining order an press charges haha problem solved!!!
Yeah that started this last
Yeah that started this last trip but he lives with her full time (700 miles apart) so he needs to protect her for his own peace of mind because he lives with her and does not want to move in with us - Junior in high school has friends - established where he is. We did sit him down and tell him the reality of our financial situation and how we have paid child support every month that he has lived with his mother and how she paid nothing the first year. He also said that his mother pulled herself up from nothing after the divorce and we informed him that DH had to give her over $100,000 in the divorce (he owned a company and had to pay her to maintain ownership of it) and she did not have to pull herself up from nothing that DH took care of her even in divorce.
SS did one time ask me when he lived with us why his parents broke up and i said I don't think you want to know and I am not the person to tell you and he said please mom just tell me- "Did my dad cheat because I know someone cheated" and I said "Your Father never cheated on your mother - Do you want to keep talking about this?" He said no - I was just wondering. He knows what his mom is about but I think it is survival for him because he is with her 48 weeks of the year.
DH said once he graduates and gets out from under his mother's rule he is going to sit down and have a long talk with him. But he is waiting till he is on his own and can make his own choices and can be his own person. I think my SS knows exactly what the deal is but as with most boys in this situation there is some kind of weird loyalty to the mother!
I am of the opinion that even
I am of the opinion that even small lies need to be addressed..IF the child shows that it's a habit. My SD would lie about such inconsequential things like whether she needed us to buy more soap (to shower) or not. I mean really...why? But, to me...if the child knows that they can lie about anything without any consequence, they will. My DH never would call SD on the smaller lies and now...we can't believe a word that comes out of her mouth. She is one of those people who will lie with ease and when we call her out on it...she will argue. She is to the point that she believes her own lies. For example...she would claim to make a 100 on assignment after assignnment last school year, but when report cards/progress reports would come out-she would be failing. Obviously-she lied about the excellent grades, but she would still claim to be telling the truth. So...I would urge any and everyone to stand up to it if you see that your (step)child is starting a habit of lying.