Of course you should do these things. I do, I have made it very clear that I am NOT any child's maid and there are too many people living here for me to be expected to clean up after them. They clean up there own messes and have consideration for everyone in the house along with respect. On sundays when they go back to bms we all clean the house and put it back where it was before they were here. They have to clean their own rooms and put their clothes away. If they make a mess they have to clean up.

Looking back over my 7 years with DH's children it is full of these small but irritating issues which I either underplay in an effort to be 'nice' and not cause friction, or raise every time they come up which can leave me feeling like an overbearing unlikable evil stepmother. Sometimes I would be sitting in the living room mentally willing DH to notice the time and point out it was bedtime for my notoriously bedtime-avoiding SKids, until I would crack, enquire tensely as to the time, and inform them myself that it was time they went up.

A while ago I read a step-parenting book which suggested that as far as possible the birth parent should deal with discipline and enforcement because the children will accept it better from their parent. So I tried to disengage from direct enforcement where possible and get DH to deal with all prompts and reminders. But it was a completely impractical, and I felt childish way of going about things, to be biting back comments myself and constantly instructing DH to deal with things in a hissed whisper. It's even more impractical when you are a stay home parent who runs the home and is the one who is actually most knowledgeable about chores and domestic organisation.

I also learned that biting back perfectly reasonable requests and comments just led to frustration, and then anxiety when I would be waiting for them to commit the same misdemeanour again and agonising over what to say and when, in a way which often made my eventual comment come out in an inappropriately tense and irritable way. Now I try to combine being more easy going about the small stuff, with lightly but firmly saying something straight away when something is a problem. If it's a more significant or recurrent problem I'll bring it up when we are together at dinner, or take the child on one side and ask them to change their behaviour. The longer I stepparent the more convinced I am that tackling things up front and getting as much out in the open as possible is the best way of avoiding simmering tension and stress for all concerned. But the fact is that parenting someone elses children is like learning to drive, you're always preoccupied with the mechanics of the process, it never comes as easily and naturally as it does with your own, and most of the time it's just not as rewarding! Good luck with your new resolve.

I applaud you! For me, I have spoken up and FDH just sweeps everything under the rug and makes excuses. He knows that I am tired of it and he does try to 'fix' it, but unfortunately he is not consistent. My DD also has a SM and I make sure that if she is not over at their house on special occasions (b-day's, mothers day, etc) that she picks up the phone and calls her to wish her a happy day. It's all about respect and if our spouses/SO's allow the kids to be disrespectful and not handle the situation it just turns us into the 'evil step parent'.