I was fairly horrified at the prospect of being at home with SD14 for 10 days but things have taken a dramatic turn for the better. On the day of her arrival DH and I spent an hour preparing to discuss things with her. We made a number of decisions including doubling the duration of her grounding, removing the PC from her bedroom and putting it in a public place for shared use, restricting internet access to 2 hours and permanently disabling internet access from her laptop so it can only be used for schoolwork, and insisting that she provide the login details for her FB and email accounts.

Amazingly she handed over her logins without a word of protest. Then we had a long talk with her in a very measured way and tried a new strategy of using more lateral questions about what she has been doing and the people she has become involved with, instead of interrogating her about what she had been doing and why. Over the course of an hour or so she finally started to open up and the outcome has been remarkable. We have learned some rather worrying things which we are taking steps to deal with, there were tears and hugs and in the last 2 days her behaviour has completely changed. Last time she was here during her grounding she was quiet and withdrawn, spent a lot of time in her room and gave very little away as to whether she had actually taken on board what had been said to her about her behaviour. Having actually confided some of her thoughts and feelings she has suddenly dropped the slightly sullen 'you don't really know me' 'too cool for school' persona. This weekend she has been happy, helpful and sociable, spending most her her time downstairs with us instead of closeted in her bedroom. I can't remember the last time I have seen her so genuinely relaxed and happy. The girl who told me a week ago that she wasn't close to anyone and didn't like being close to people is suddenly finding that letting us in actually makes her feel a whole lot better.

Yesterday I found her in the kitchen talking to SD19 about staying longer with us, so I told her she could stay if that's what she wanted and her mum and dad would sort it out. Last night she told DH that doesn't want to go home she wants to stay with us, that she feels listened to here and it is less chaotic than home. We are pretty happy about this, although there is obvious irony in the fact that she only feels listened to because we have prised information out of her by hook or by crook!

And here's an interesting part, she does not like BM's Boyfriend. The reason for this is a sobering insight into the impact of excessive disengagement from SKids. She says he treats his BS4 completely differently from her and her siblings, he mostly ignores them or acts as though he couldn't care less about them. Now it is clear to DH and I that the boyfriend does care a great deal about them, he put money in to help buy SD19 a car, he was the one on the doorstep removing a drunken SD14 from the house she had already been banned from, he was kind and affectionate with SS12 and SD14 when they were younger. It seems highly likely to me that he has suffered the slings and arrows of step parenting in terms of lack of appreciation and has simply stopped wearing his heart on his sleeve and disengaged. But the impact of this is that SD14 now feels uncomfortable around him and uncomfortable at home. This backs up something I have suspected for a long time which is that whether they know it or not SKids NEED to feel cared for and loved by the step-parents in their lives, even if they are not able to love them back like a parent.

DH and I talked about this after our discussion with SD and he had a further conversation last night where he suggested to her that perhaps she was getting back what she was putting in in terms of her relationship with BM's boyfriend, and pointed out all the evidence that he does care about her. She is giving this some thought.

Meanwhile BM has phoned from her holiday to suggest that SD is flown out to rejoin the holiday, or that we send her to stay with BM's sister. This is typical of her crazy inconsistency. DH said no, things were going well and SD was happy. BM is going to have a fit when she gets back and finds out SD does not want to go home. Which will be deeply ironic given that she just finished blaming SD's behaviour on DH leaving her. DH is going to have to handle it very carefully because if BM starts weeping and passive aggressively blackmailing her into going home it is going to undo all the good work.

I am so proud of my DH, he has done some really exceptional fathering over the last few days, especially during the the challenging first discussion with SD, and I am quite proud of myself. Maybe SD will be alright after all.