Not Sure How to Handle the New Girlfriend
First let me start off by saying I am not a step parent, I am the biological mother looking for some advice. My ex and I have been apart for 2+ years and have had a pretty decent relationship with each other. Mainly for the sake of our kids. I left him because we just didnt work together as a couple anymore and it was affecting our children. (the constant fighting, disrespect and on his end indiscretions.) While there were some tense moments directly after our break up, we worked through them and figured out a way to interact with each other with respect again for our children.
In the last 10 months all of that has changed. He has started dating someone new (not the first girl since we split I think she is #4). Now it is constant drama on his end and I need some advice on how to deal with it. His new girlfriend has made comments to both our kids 5 and 10 on the weekends that they are at dads (everyother)like: if your mom cared she wouldnt leave you for the weekend, that they are both spoiled brats (they are so not) and straight out told my 10 year old she dosent like him. After each of these incidents I would talk to my ex about it and it would seem to end for a couple of weeks and then start all over again.
Recently they got into an argument,which both kids say happens often, and while the ex was swearing at her she yelled at him not to swear in front of his kids or she would call CPS. I only found out about this when my 10 yr old asked if kids can be taken away for a parent swearing in front of them. After questioning as to why he was asking he told me what happened. It took almost a full week to convince him that Child Protective Services wasnt going to show up at the door and take them away because of curse words (that thier father said and prior to this he didnt even know what CPS was) So much for keeping my kids away from arguing, fighting and disrespect huh?
This past weekend they went to dads again. On Friday evening (about 5hrs after getting dropped off) My 10 yr called me to come get him crying and saying he didnt feel good. I got on the phone with the ex to find out my 10 yr was running a 102 fever and he had no Tylonel and he couldnt go get any because he had been drinking (yep) I let him know I was on the way and would be there in 20 minutes to get our son. He then started yelling that it was his weekend and that if I showed up the police would be there. I let him know to do what he needed to do but I was on my way. I then grabbed the custody papers (I have full custody he dosent even have visitation for various reasons, but has always taken his children every other weekend and picks them up from school 3 days a week) and went to pick up my sick child. I found them sitting out back at the garage with a bunch of my exs friends and when asked why my son wasnt in the house laying down he said that he didnt want to be in the house alone with girlfriend and dad wouldnt go in because his friends where over. Needless to say there were no police called.
Now for the final straw, the girlfriend has always made little comments (always to my children she doesnt have the ummm ovaries to say anything to me) but this past weekend, after dropping my son off on Saturday, so I could go into work for a few hours (I work flex time so that I can spend two week days with them as well as most of the weekends that I have them but means working every other weekend when dad has them) The girlfriend starting yelling at ex that he needed to put his foot down and that I was an ignorant b**ch in front of our kids. I found out about this today. And I called her, she of course didnt answer but I left her message saying that I think there are some things we need to discuss and asking her to call me back and left both home and work phone #s also let her know if she didnt return my call we could just discuss it in person the next time we saw each other. Nothing mean or disrespectful in the slightest. I then called ex to ask about what had happened and he said nothing had and said our 10yr old was lying. I dont believe that for a minute. I know he dosent like her but I dont for an instant think he'd make this up. Especially when he knows I will call them (the ex and grlfrnd) on it. And the ex then hung up on me. I left him an almost identical message to girlfriends after the hang up.
I know that she is trying to drive a wedge between him and his children I think any one can see that. My question is what do I do about it? I want to beat her *ss but I know that will only give her what she wants, my ex doesnt seem to care what she is doing to his kids, and I dont know how to stop her. I also just found out that they are looking at homes togther because she doesnt want to live in my old house. So I know the relationship is serious but again just need some honest advice on how to handle this.
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Comments
Well I want to offer you some
Well I want to offer you some support, but I can't. I am on the other side of things. My ss HAS made up lies and taken things I've said out of context and told bm to try and start trouble. Neither of his parents believed he would do that, but they both know now that he has and does. I dont know that that is happening-it may be that she really is a wicked soon to be sm, but I think you need to discuss things openly so that you can find out what is going on. You dont ever want to go in there with guns a blazing and assume things.
They used to love going to
They used to love going to dads. Now my 10 yr old wants to go but only if the grlfrnd isnt there. Once he sees her he wants to come back home. The youngest is usually calling me by Saturday (at work) to come get her. I let them both know that I love them but it is dads weekend and that I will see them Sunday. With the execption of this weekend, I make them go. I dont want them to not see dad, I just want everyone to at least pretend to be grown for a 48 hr period.
What type of records do you
What type of records do you recomend? Just a notebook? I want to send my son with a pocket cam just to get to the bottom of everything. I know it sounds a little nuts but I dont know what else to do.
I wouldn't send your son with
I wouldn't send your son with a pocket cam, as that pulls him into the middle of sitatuion, & puts him in a situation of being the primary participant in being sneaky to get his dad in trouble. He may feel a need to take your side, but you shouldn't, in any way, encourage him to have to choose a side.
You mentioned your ex was not granted any visitation for several reasons. What were the reasons? If a judge has found him to be dangerous or irresponsible as a parent & you are allowing him to keep your kids against a court order, you are then violating the court order as well.
I would suggest you keep a calendar for your notes. When things happen, you write them on the calendar. That way, everything is dated. I don't think you should be trying to initiate contact with the GF. If there are things to be addressed, they need to be addressed through your ex.
I am a stepmom who has been lied on by my skids. I would recommend you always consider there being a possibility of truth-stretching & half-truths. As kids get older, they get wiser & they get smart about manipulation. Even good kids. They discover it as a way to control people & situations. I'm not saying your kids are lying about everything, but it wouldn't surprise me a bit to find that any child isn't 100% honest in what they say...especially against a woman who is now getting some of their dad's attention while they're with him.
I agree about not putting my
I agree about not putting my son in the middle of it. And I do know better than sending him with a pocket cam, I knew the moment I thought it that was a crazy idea. I do think that my son is being honest about the situation. I took my 5 yr old to lunch today and asked her what she thought of dads GF she instantly said she didnt like her, I told her it was ok to like her and asked if she was nice to her. She said yeah shes ok but she yells a lot and calls bad names. After that I changed the subject to her hpymeal toy.
The ex dosent have visitation because he didnt show up for any of the divorce proceedings. He sent his lawyer he basically agreed to everything my lawyer asked for including full custody. I dont think that he would have received much in the way of custody anyway because of some personal issues he has had and I think he thought the same.
If the kids' concerns are
If the kids' concerns are about the FG yelling & calling bad names, from what you posted, it sounds like your ex does the same. It's going to be easier for your kids to point fingers at the GF because she's not their parent, but if their dad is just as guilty of doing the same thing, I don't think it's fair just to hold it against the GF.
Honestly, if you have real concerns with sending your kids to see their dad & they don't want to go, there's no order stating they should go...don't send them. I would venture to say that if they do want to go, there probably isn't anything going on to really be worried about. You could make it clear with them before they go for a weekend, that if they choose to go, they will spend the whole weekend. That way you're not getting last minute phone calls to go pick them up, & it will encourage them to think things through ahead of time. I think when kids know a parent will drop everything to pick them up on a whim, they're more likely to decide they want to come home as soon as they get bored or as soon as someone says something they don't like. I personally don't think that's the best way to do things. It makes it too convenient to take the easy way out of things. Just because things aren't ideal at their dad's house doesn't mean they shouldn't be there, but again, if there's no order, you have no obligation to send them. It really all comes down to what you feel is in their best interest.
I think you should keep an
I think you should keep an open mind. Kids do lie! Especially if they know they will get their parents to talk, argue, or see each other. It's their way of putting the family back together. If it's not for those reasons it's sometimes because they feel guilty they are with dad and his new girlfriend and not mommy. There could be all sorts of reasons why...so keep an objective view on the situation. I am the best stepmom ever (lol) really I try really really hard to be the best role model to my step kids, but even at my best behavior I sometimes get a failing report card sent home to bm. Basically, when I discipline which is not often, sometimes more times than others I get a "she is mean" "I dint want to see daddy anymore" "I hate it over there"!! All typical compliants by a 11 year old that wants something to happen and are trying to manipulate the parents. Granted, the child having fever and the father drinking not taking responsibility is an issue. The girlfriend really should be held responsible, she may just not know better. In my case, I have a grown daughter and now two young step daughters. I've done this before with my child so if she is childless she may need a little more room for error. However, remember she is not responsible for raising your kids technically you x is.
I would say, keep an open mind. Deal with your ex first and find out what his issue us with the friends and drinking and not worrying about the fever.
This sounds crazy, all of it.
This sounds crazy, all of it. I don't blame you for looking into advice. My SDs have come home saying things to me that I know come from their BM.
Here's the thing I've learned about kids and passing them back and forth-- unless they otherwise tend to make things up, tell lies, or stretch the truth, most of the time kids don't know much about manipulation, lying, or trying to play sides. (This is all from personal experience)
Go with your gut and do what you need to do. If everything you've written is truthful as far as you know, you need to take legal action.
Is this the first GF that the
Is this the first GF that the kids have had problems with? Maybe it's a little bit of both, maybe BS10 is embellishing and maybe this GF doesn't get along with the kids. Does the 5 year old have any input? I know he/she is only 5, but sometimes young kids can be brutally honest. Granted at 5 years they can't really give details, but maybe just a general picture might help to determine if BS10 is exaggerating or not. Good Luck!
Thank You (I will use the
Thank You (I will use the "positve only" like a mantra over the next few weeks I am sure)
What a great attitude Spunki!
What a great attitude Spunki! If more bm's were like you-there would be a whole lot less of problems. One of the things I tell myself and my clients I worl with that are stepparents is that sometimes when things take a turn for the worse with your skids attitude/feelings toward you-itis because they are beginning to really love you and care for you which is causing them to feel conflicted. This explanation makes most people (including me) feel much better than-they just hate your guts. but I think you did a good job illustrating the loyalty conflicts these children go thru.
My ex-husband and I actually
My ex-husband and I actually get along most of the time. He is remarried and I really like his wife/my kids' stepmother.
But years ago things weren't so nice. And I didn't let the kids go. I risked being slapped with a contempt for violating the order. But my kids safety and well-being was more important than the court order.
We did end up in court. The judge told me that he understood my concern. And dismissed the case.
Your ex doesn't even have visitation rights, correct? I wouldn't send them.
I can relate, rhowe. If there
I can relate, rhowe.
If there is no order stipulating visitation, then I think you're within your rights to keep the children from going over there. I find it interesting that things were going well until this one person came along...
The drinking situation with the dad worries me. I know some may not agree with me but personally, I think you have a right to demand a safe environment for your kids in which to visit their father. And if their father cannot provide that safe environment due to his drinking problem, then you have the right to deny visitation. JMHO.
I understand that kids exaggerate the truth and tell lies to protect themselves, to protect others, and to manipulate a situation or outcome that would be favorable to them. But adults lie to manipulate situations too for the very same reasons. Just sayin'...
Totally agree. Kids may lie.
Totally agree. Kids may lie. And I guess the kids could be lying to her. But it doesn't sound like her ex denied anything.
I sure as hell wouldn't risk my kids' safety and well-being on "maybe the kids are lying".
Thank you everybody for some
Thank you everybody for some really great advice. Just an update. No my children, either one of them, have had a problem with dads previous girlfriends. There is even one that we were all sad to see go and I still keep in touch with, i.e. facebook and an occasional email.
I do think most of the fault for this situtation lies completley at dads door. It's up to him to be the parent. I believe the gf is possibly upset by the fact that she has to step in and be the somewhat "responsible" person because he won't be. He is a resonably responsible parent as long as he has no choice. But the instant that somebody else is there to handle his "responsibilities" he lets them and acts like he is 19 not 38.
The girlfriend is incredibley young at 19. And definitley does not know how to handle the situation nor does she have the maturity to. I did speak with both of them this evening. He picked the kids up from school today and when I got off work I went to get them. They were both outside at the garage and I just couldnt not say anything. I had the kids go the car and told the ex we had some things we had to discuss.
He instantly said that nothing happened before I could say another word. And walked away, (yeah I know)I then told his gf that we had never really met and introduced myself and (gasp) shook her hand. I let her know that there seemed to be some issues the previous weekend and asked her what happened. She denied the name calling and said that she didnt even know me why would she say something like that. I told her calmly that I do belive my child and that I really want her the ex and myself all on the same page.
I let her know that as far as I am concerned trashing the other parent to a child is absolutley unacceptable and that while I may do it when I go out for a drink with my gfs I never do it to my kids. I also let her know that I know that she is in a hard situation, and that she is basically in the role of a sm. I also let her know that I more than anyone understand some of the frustations of always stepping up to be the responsible person. I then gave her all of my numbers, work, home and cell. So that if there is any situation that she feels warrants calling CPS she can call me.
I will see how the next visit goes (couple of weeks away) before making any decision on what to do. Again I completetly agree that the majority of the blame lies at dads door for not acting like a dad. And I really do understand her frustration with the situation (I did it for many years) I just hope that she can find the maturity to handle it all.
Wow! I hope I don't insult
Wow! I hope I don't insult anyone, but she is only 19? That's a real burden to be placing on a 19 y/o. It's different if she is a bm bur she is in the role of step mom and I at 41 find stepmom role difficult at times. I can't imagine at 19! Though I at 19 was already a bm, being a stepmom is def more complicated in terms of having to deal with so many other issues. This is a really difficult position you are in. It's good that you are standing your ground keeping an open mind and giving it until next visitation. However, nevertheless I'm sure you will teach your kids to use that cell phone if their father is intoxicated again. That I think would need intervention from you as in picking them up asap! Wow again!!! Wish you all the best!
I work. I pay half of ALL of
I work. I pay half of ALL of 642-383 the bills. I have some money, my problem is the debt I incurred after meeting DH. I know its my own damn fault for trying to be generous, I am f'd now. I need to find a real cheap place so I can pay HP0-S26 off my debt, then I can move into a better place that may cost more. Thats my problem. I haven't told any family or friends, NS0-153 I want to move before I do, that way my decision can't be swayed like it has in the past. I fear I might have to MB2-633 tell someone soon because I need to get out of here, lol.