I ended things with my bf back in June because he had basically been telling me that nothing could change: his daughter was his first priority and he couldn't put our relationship first, BM would always have veto power, he didn't think there was anything wrong with the relationship with his mother, he had no plan to improve his financial situation/move out of his mother's house (long story but where I live BMs rule and this lazy BM who doesn't feel she has to work full time has drained this man via CS.

If you read some of my past blogs you can see I'd suffered for more than a year d/t the way he guilt parented and is like a marienette with all the women in his life (BM, SD, mother). When I ended things I'd just had it -- it was crystal clear I loved him and he loved me but we could not go on the way things are -- things could not work without something changing. I told him to take care of his stuff and that if something changed sometime down the road let me know, but for now, we each needed to focus on our own lives.

I spent a month free of agonizing over his stuff and this decision. I felt completely free. I have made some new friends (I moved to a new town a year and a half ago to be with BF)recently and I started spending more time with my gfs. I felt wonderful not having to hear the latest MIL/BM/SD story or living in limbo trying to force a square peg (our love/my love) into a round hole (this effed up situation).

Well, he sent me a text message telling me he started seeing a therapist and was making some positive changes, saw the error of his ways. I essentially just answered without more than a word or two. This went on for a few days and he begged me to hear him out...that things were getting ready to dramatically change for him and please, could I just meet him for a few minutes at a neutral location so he could tell me in person. I figured I'd at least hear hime out.

Well, he told me he realized he wanted to put us first, that he wanted to make me and our relationship the top priority. He said through counseling that he saw how in trying to prevent certain things from happening he was actually causing them to happen. He said he finally could see all the dysfunctional dynamics between him and the women in his life and how it negatively affected our relationship and that he was working to change things.

He decided to change his crazy custody situation from EOD (yes, every other effing day) to EOWE. He said he realized that SD had a home with her mom and that he's been trying to be a second mom but he's not. He said he was also going to go back to school to increase his earning potential and that he was going to move out of his mother's house which would cut this dynamic he has with his mother who treats him more like a spouse than a son.

I started spending time with him but told him I cannot make any sort of committment -- that I once was there but now I am not. I told him I needed to think of myself as a single person and not part of a couple and that any decisions I made needed to be based on me and my kids, not him.

He's been going to counseling weekly and I really think he's going to make the changes but he's still not there yet and I've been suffering through his stuff for so long. His life wasn't ready for the kind of relationship we both want/wanted and it still isn't. I am trying to be patient but I am having extreme difficulty. Something doesn't feel "right" inside of me...I am guessing because the situation still isn't right/ready for me/what we want.

I feel that a situation needs to be conducive for a relationship BEFORE you ever try to pursue one. He still has all sorts of stuff he needs to free himself of and cannot afford to live on his own right now...hopefully soon, but it makes it harder to have a relationship when I can't go over his house.

He is a great person and is so good to me and my kids. My kids adore him. He's give the shirt off his back to anyone...this is part of why the women in his life take advantage of him. If he'd never been married/had SD I know we'd be completely happy, but I cannot separate him out from his situation.

One additional thing...BM has diagnosed OCD and has not been doing well lately. SD also has some issues and has been picking up on all the stuff that her mom does/says/etc. I'm very hesitant about getting into this, esp. since SD is young and my kids are teens, almost on their way!

I keep hoping that as things change that my feelings with change and things will feel "right" again but I wonder if it is too late. He still hasn't totally broached the subject of changing the custody arrangement and won't be able to move out until at least late fall.

I have agonized with my decision for a year and for me to get to the point of really ending things something changed in me. I've been trying for so long to be ok with the effed up situation he's in and I think it may have just ruined something in me with regard to him.

Do you think it is possible my feelings could come back? I do love him but I am too old and have been through too much to suffer in a situation for love. No way. The situation has to be right.

I've told him everything I've said here...it's very hard to even just enjoy pleasurable things together when I have this eating at me. I so want to feel like this is right! But right now I don't! I wonder if we need to just be friends until things really change in his situation and inside of me. I didn't even get a chance to miss him...I was too relieved to finally not have to this about all the bullshit on his side.

I just can't go on much longer with this conflict. It breaks my heart because he's always telling me how he loves me etc. I told him to stop talking about the future because it just makes me feel more scared and afraid and I can't promise anything past the present moment. It's like I finally said "Screw this!" and then he finally woke up! We're totally out of sync.

Thanks for listening...