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Here's the thing ...

Red-headed_Stepmom's picture

Submitted by Red-headed_Stepmom on Mon, 07/12/2010 - 8:03pm

I love my BF and I love my SS's.

Maybe I shouldn't be a step-mom because I care too much. And I feel like I'm being ripped apart constantly by BM's jealousy and insisting that she has all maternal rights and that her parents are more important to the boys than I am.

I want to raise smart, kind, confident children. And it seems to me that the more love that they get, the more true caring, the more unconditional (but not uncritical) love that they receive, the better off they will be. And that it's important for them to learn that love doesn't mean getting your way every time, or buying stuff. It means guiding and comforting and sharing, the joys, the heartbreaks, the happiness, the sorrows. It means someone who will be there when they need a hug. Someone who they know will still love them when they make mistakes. Someone who wants to share the wonders of the world with them, even if it's just from a book. Someone who wants to open their minds to new ideas and new ways to think about things, who is as thrilled as they are about the joys of learning.

So, how do I protect myself? Do I really have to step back and not engage my heart? How do I find the way to give them love without feeling the hurt and lose of the constant digs and reminders that they are not mine? How do I let those pointed remarks and cutting edges of derision and scorn glance off of me while I open myself to our boys? I know that someday, they will see the truth ... and I know it will hurt them if they realize the pain I went through to give them my love.

Maybe the path is there and I just can't see it through the tears.

Comments

Red-headed_Stepmom's picture

Submitted by Red-headed_Stepmom on Tue, 07/13/2010 - 8:04am

Oh, but my ss's do respond to my affection. They want to spend time with me, and I think they do appreciate the rules and structure we have her at our house, that BM doesn't have at hers.

I need to focus on them, and what they give back to me (love) instead of the feeling that she is trying to give them things that will take their momentary attention. It's just trying to find the balance.

starfish1012's picture

Submitted by starfish1012 on Mon, 07/12/2010 - 9:39pm

i could've written this very post. i grapple with this question a lot...about finding a balance...about how to love without being hurt. i've found, so far, that there isn't really a tidy answer. the BM of my SS4 would think me just as well dead. she corrects him when he refers to me as "mommy" and buys him things every chance she gets. it's not fun. and it's not changing. but my relationship with the little one is. i gave up and let my whole heart get attached and he knows it. kids are smarter than we give them credit for. he KNOWS i am there every day, every bath, every school event--and she is not.

they know.

love them.

Red-headed_Stepmom's picture

Submitted by Red-headed_Stepmom on Tue, 07/13/2010 - 7:09am

Thank you, Starfish. It's good to know that there are others out there in similar positions. It helps not feel so alone or so much like "it must just be something wrong with me"!

Red-headed_Stepmom's picture

Submitted by Red-headed_Stepmom on Tue, 07/13/2010 - 7:18am

Thanks, Katrinkie. I haven't been on here much recently, other than to drop a blog when I need an outlet. It sounds like I need to go back and read some of your blogging. As I said to Starfish above, it helps so much knowing that I'm not the only one struggling with these kind of things. I have read so much from stepparents who don't like or want to spend time with Skids, that I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me.

Most of my problem is my own insecurities and my own feelings of not deserving ... I've had those for years about LOTS of things ... and somehow BM just knows exactly how to push those buttons, particularly when I'm already on the edge of a depressive episode and more vulnerable. And it's worse when the boys aren't here ... and she took them for almost 3 weeks to drop at her parents house, 10 hours away.

Okay ... I was truly just tying to say thank you for your response, not start another blog!

Thanks again.

Red-headed_Stepmom's picture

Submitted by Red-headed_Stepmom on Wed, 07/14/2010 - 7:11am

Good question.

Although I believe that it is just a part of who I am with people and with children in particular. Even if I had my own, I'd over care and over protect. But I won't ever truly know because I can't live in those shoes.

Thanks Kat for the thought provoking. Smile

Red-headed_Stepmom's picture

Submitted by Red-headed_Stepmom on Tue, 07/13/2010 - 7:28am

Thanks Old Dart. And yes, I am a teacher of sorts. I've been a corporate technical trainer for the past 15 years ... until I was "reduction of force" (rof'd) last September.

Your comment "All of us have had jobs where we wern't appreciated or were not given the respect or authority we deserve." is very true, and that was the position I had been in at my previous job of 12 years and if I hadn't decided that I needed to stop looking for external validation at work, I probably wouldn't have met BF. And if I didn't have BF and SS's in my life I probably wouldn't have realized how much more important it is to not only do what you love, but with people and in an organization that you respect and care about. (And I can use all the good wishes, thoughts, prayers and energy that anyone wants to share to find that place!)

Thanks again for your insight.

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Tue, 07/13/2010 - 8:09am

Honestly, do you care what BM says? I sure don't. And if you don't, she can SAY whatever she wants. It shouldn't affect how you feel about or interact with your SSs.

It sounds like your SS's like and appreciate you, which is awesome. A lot of us wish we had that. So let BM SAY whatever she wants. You can't stop that. But it's your house, and it sounds like you're doing the right things. Keep it up!

Red-headed_Stepmom's picture

Submitted by Red-headed_Stepmom on Tue, 07/13/2010 - 8:15am

Thanks, Elizabeth. I'm trying. And I know that I am blessed to have two ss's who love me.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Tue, 07/13/2010 - 8:34am

I was where you are a year and a half ago. I had to disengage to save my sanity. I love my Skid's. All that means is I can love them, I just don't have to parent them. I still do things with them, I just tell DH if they do something and he disciplines. I was just beating my head against the wall.

I have disengaged enough that later this morning me and SS11 are going blueberry picking. I can just enjoy his company and talk with him. It has taken us a long time to get here. Before, these things felt like a chore. Now if he says something about BM and SD14, it drove me nuts. Now I just try to summarize it for DH and tell him and step out of it. I married him, not his children. I can support him and be his sounding board, I just need to step back and let him handle these situations. I don't have to twist myself in knots over her. I can be SM to him and for right now, that is just a really nice lady in his life that makes him dinner and sleeps with his Dad. I am good with that.

Give disengaging a shot slowly for a while and see how you start to feel.