New here...
Hi, I am new here... I have run out of people to trust that i can freely talk about how useless and incompetent my step-sons mother is. My SS is 6 years old and has been in my life since just before his 3rd birthday. I married his daddy last July and since then my relationship with his Birth mum has been fraught. She annoys me on a daily basis. We have him on a weds night and friday thru to monday morning when hes back in school.I registered him with his school, pay for his dinners, order his uniform, ensure he has clean uniform and shoes that fit him, take him for hair cuts, all the things mentioned she has never done. Hair cuts especially i make a point of leaving it to the very last day when its nearly in his eyes to see if she'll take the hint and do it, but no. We fell out because of one simple thing, she wouldn't let me be a part of his parent-teacher evening where the teacher tells us his progress, what he needs to work on etc. Bearing in mind, at the time of writing the last time she wrote in his reading progress book that comes home every day with a book to read was 17th April. I write in it every weekend and every weds. But in her eyes i am not his parent so i have no right to be there. Never mind that i am the only person who actually cares about how he's doing in school and will listen to the advice the teacher gives on what he needs to work on to progress. I flipped, publicly pointed out (on facebook, not my finest mmoment) all her flaws, the lack of hair cuts, finger nail and toe nails like a girrrrl, the no clothes that fit him, the lack of healthy diet, the lack of care on his appearance, the fact she doesnt make him brush his teeth and teach him to grow up etc etc, her response was 'next time i see her, i'll knock her out.' nice. Some of my stories are so unbelievable! but totally true. If i keep them here they are never to be forgotten. I hope one day he realises im not a bitch for making him stop and look up and down the road even if there are no cars coming. I am not evil for making him learn to use a knife and fork, and to stay sat at the table while everyone eats. I am not the evil step mother from hell when i make him brush his teeth every night and morning, and make him put his DVD's away and keep his room tidy. I don't shout at him when he's running loose down the street because i am being cruel and want him to be boring, I do it so he doesn't get lost or get run over! Everything i do is totally unselfish and based on my care for him. One day he will realise that! haha! My husband gives me free reign.. i am strict but i am fair. I told him before we moved in together, if he is going to be living under my roof, he follows my rules. 
I don't do spoilt little boys who think crocodile tears will get them what they want. I make him eat something healthy before he has chocolate. wow am i mean for doing that!! mummy doesn't make him do that..............
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I was you. I jumped in and
I was you. I jumped in and played the parent role. It ended up biting me in the butt. This child isn't yours. If DH and BM don't care about those things, thats thier problem. I know you care for your SS and thats why you are doing these things, but you need to let the parents do thier job.
DH gave me full reign, he resented me for it later. SS resented me because, in his words, I was "doing the things I wish my mom would do". I ended up resenting both of them.
My advice to you is to let THEM be the parents. Its hard to do because you care so much.
I apologize, I feel so rude.
I apologize, I feel so rude. WELCOME!!!
Hello and welcome UK Lady.
Hello and welcome UK Lady. Unfortunately Pantera is absolutely spot on. The only person wringing their hands and fretting about it is you. That is a problem, but not yours. As hard as it is, you need to step back and let his parents actually parent him. You get to be the fun aunt. You will be so much happier in the end.
I agree with Pantera. I did
I agree with Pantera. I did this and still try not to. My DH is the dad and he has to parent. I can't be the only one who cares about these kids. Our SD14 couldn't take it here, so she left. She didn't want rules and BM doesn't have any. You need to step back a little and let your husband get more involved. Then he will see what BM is not doing more and maybe deal with it himself.
UK Lady, Welcome. I hope
UK Lady,
Welcome. I hope you find our community to be a good place to vent, contribute and get some useful advice from others who are navigating the challenging blended family journey.
I am pretty much the male version of you but a few years older (okay, maybe a whole lot more than a few). I became Dad to our son (my SS)when he was 1yo. He is now 17, just finished HS and I am the only REAL dad he has ever had.
I am the one who taught him to use the toilet, ride his bike, read, write, coached his sports teams, goes to his parent teacher conferences, helped with his homework, enforces the rules, enforces the table manners, the one who goes to work every day to make sure he has good schools, a nice home, safe transportation and the one who loves he and his mom very much.
His mom is equally if not more envolved than I am. His BioDad is virtually a non participant in his life other than during visitatio when they are more immiature peers than a parent and a child.
I have to disagree with those who express the opinion that you should abandon your role as a parent to your Skid and let the bios do their job. You are no less a parent than either biodad or biomom. You have no official rights but you took the job and appear to be doing quite well at it. When your StepSon is with you, you are his parent whether the other bioparent wants you to be our not. A parents job is to parent. You are doing fine.
When my wife and I married (15yrs and 11mos ago) I insisted on being an equity parent to she and DipShit (biodad). I really could not give a flying monkey's ass what biodad thinks or if he wants me at parent teacher conferences, disciplining the child, enforcing hygene standards, etc ........ Not that he has ever been to any school or sports function that our son has participated in. The looser dipshit did not even show up for the kid's HS graduation last month.
The Skid is more my son than his. I earned the status of parent and I will continue to be my son's parent whether his biodad wants me to or not.
Any protest from a bioparent who is complaining about a caring envolved stepparent is because that bioparent is found lacking as a parent and is trying to make themselves feel better.
I would go to the parent/teacher conference with your husband and not give a shit what biomom's opinion is. The school and the teachers know that you are the mother who is parenting the boy and they know that you will be the one to work with them in developing YOUR son in the school environment.
GOOD JOB MOM!!!!
Just my thoughts of course.
Best regards.
Rags, it sounds like you and
Rags, it sounds like you and your wife were on the same page. Stepparenting works as long as you are a united front. If you (the stepparent) are doing all of the work and the other parents aren't, it will never work.
No doubt if the partners are
No doubt if the partners are not on the same page things are nearly intollerable.
Best regards.
I agree with the first poster
I agree with the first poster too. ss has a mom and dad and you trying to be mom will bit you later.
Oh and welcome! !
Rags I agree with pantera
Rags I agree with pantera again b/c is op's dh is not on the same page it will not work.
Sorry i've made my husband
Sorry i've made my husband look useless, he works all the time, this is why my rules are the rules. If i let her do the parenting, as my husband is rarely at home before bed-time to be that much of an influence, If i go for the cool aunt approach, I have to then live with a spoilt little mummys boy who would live a diet of chocolate and yoghurt, spend every evening in front of the TV not know his please and thank you's and smell like a sewer. not something I plan on doing! I care too much about him, i'm not complaining about being a step mom, My issues are with a mother who has no respect for the 3rd parent. No respect for rules. she spent so little time with him until he hit school age, that she now believes that he is still a baby. I'm trying to get him to be a boy, have manners, because everyone remembers the spoilt kid in school, and the rude kid. . . stepping back just makes for a more difficult life. If i push him away, then so be it, His mother doesn't work so she can't give him the material things in life, i'd hope when he's older he'll accept the rules for the nice clothes, the nice home and the days out...
I'm not trying to be a mum, I can do that when i have my own kids, i'm trying to be a grown up influence in his life, Not a spoilt little whinger like his mum, teach him the difference between right and wrong, if you want something you ask politely for it, you don't scream when you don't get what you want and you have respect for your things. This has never been her upbringing. She's always had what she wanted. Which is why she's 28 years old, never had a job and lives out of her daddys pocket and government benefits.
It might help--although it
It might help--although it will emotionally probably be difficult--to separate the BM and SS in your mind. You are caring for a child as he needs to be cared for--and as someone needs to care for him--when he is in your home. That is a bigger task because there is more to do, because the BM sounds very irresponsible. The BM takes poor care of her son, and also treats you disrespectfully. In other words, she is dysfunctional in a multitude of places, not just in caring for her son. The point is, for whatever reason, this child needs a level of care, and you are providing it. And the BM is a rude and irresponsible person. That won't change.