Staying in hopes of getting pregnant !!!?!?!!!

Horrible Right?!?

Before you read this, please no that My husband is fully aware that I want to get pregnant. He is fully aware that are relationship is on the rocks. We have full conversations about this all the time. NO ONE IS BEING LIED TO OR MISLEAD.

I know that I am going to get a lot of criticism for this. It is going to sound really horrible, irresponsible and maybe even a little desperate.

A steptalk member accused me of being desperate for a man because I was staying in my difficult situation with my youngest "evil" SD, instead of leaving my family to live my own life in peace. Although her statement is not true... it does touch on something that is.

I in no way feel like I need a man to complete me. I would be very happy to live a life as a single woman from this point on, if my husband and I split today.

BUT!!!!! I am holding on for a big reason. I love my family dearly. I just don't like them very much right now because of the amount of heartache and stress they cause me. I am staying for several reasons. But the biggest reason that I am staying is that I want to have a baby.

If I split with my husband today, I would have no interest in dating any one for a long long time. Nor would I want to depend on another relationship with a man to have a child (I have already done that for 10 years. Refuse to do it again). And getting sperm from sperm banks is very expensive. Not to mention all the fertility help I would need to get inseminated. So although getting pregnant is not the only reason that I am not leaving at this point, it is one of the main reasons.

I gave up all that I was to support my husband and daughters. I fell like if left the relationship today with out being pregnant I would have given all of myself to this person and left empty handed.

NO!!! I do not think that this baby will fix any the things wrong in my life. I am simply 35 and ready to have a child. I also ready to raise a child on my own, if necessary to have a healthy life. Does this sound just horrible?

FYI: If it comes down to it, adoption as a single mom may be an option. Just a little frustrating because every time I look into it, I am told that adopting a healthy baby through the county is very hard and the wait is extremely long.

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lol...... I love it.

"purchase a turkey baster and some "man goo""

Very funny.

Yes I worry about the possibility of us separating if did get preggers. And home much more difficult it would make everything.

But crap! I just don't have the cash to spend up to $800 a month to get some "man goo" aka sperms inserted into my womb.

Especially since the one thing that I got going for me in my marriage is an amazing sex life.

This really hard.

I agree that all children

I agree that all children should have two parents. But in my situation, I don't think my marriage will last forever. And I have no desire to marry again.

So the question I ask is if I am not married - does that mean that I do not have the right to have a child that I can love, support and raise own my own?

And does that mean that you do not believe in a woman's right to decide to have a child without staying or being in an unhealthy relationship - just so that there is a man around?

Yes, well I am a good mother.

Yes, well I am a good mother. And I will always be a good mother. With or without a man.

And I don't think a woman needs a man to have a child. We just different opinions on that.

This is no longer the cave man days where a woman haves to be attached to man in order to give love to, or have a child.

34 here. Completely

34 here. Completely understand and can relate to everything you wrote...

Awwwww... thank you Kaylas. I

Awwwww... thank you Kaylas. I thought I was just pure evil for having these wishes....

Not to say that if I got pregnant that I would just leave my family. But I would like to have a child by the man that I love and know where the roots of my comes from.

Not some stranger that donated sperm one day for some extra cash.

Although push come to shove - it may resort to my having to use donated sperm. But sooooo expensive!

As a man I should be outraged

As a man I should be outraged and offended that you would willingly have a child with a man that you apparently have no intention of staying married to.............

However, as a long time spouse in a blended family marriage I get what you are saying. I have no biospawn. I feel no overwhelming drive to have any. But my wife has often commented that she would like to have a child that she does not have to put on a plane 3x per year to be poluted by people that she detests.

The fact that she has come to this perspective after years of "I would never have another child" speaks well of our marriage I suppose.

At this time she has decided not to have another child because of the risks of Toxemia. The first one almost killed her at 16. Since Toxemia is apparently very prevelent in second pregnancies when it was present in the first pregnancy and she is now 34 I may dodge this bullet yet.

Or ....... I may be that father to a new born at nearly 50yo.

Best regards.

Thank you for the message

Thank you for the message Rags. Sorry to hear about your wife's Toxemia.

You sound like a very caring man. She is lucky to have you.

I made it very clear when I

I made it very clear when I was 20 years old that I would have a baby before I was 30 regardless if I was married or not. If that meant finding some stranger then so be it. Luckily I didn't have to but I was dead set on it. I know how you feel and I totally understand. Not sure what yoru plans are but it sounds like you have this figured out. Good luck.

Thank you justbdais... The

Thank you justbdais...

The part of your message about "finding a stranger" gave me a good laugh.

It's probably not a good

It's probably not a good idea, but I completely understand why you feel the way you feel. I'm 31 and definitely have thought in the past that it wouldn't have be so bad if I got pregnant during some of my previous relationships that I knew wouldn't last. I didn't try to on purpose though. Now that I've met someone who I would love nothing more than to have his babies, am I SO happy that didn't happen. But I understand the STRONG desire to have a baby, by any means necessary.

Yes, it is very strong. Its

Yes, it is very strong. Its seems to leak into my daily thoughts. The biological clock is a strong thing.

It sounds to me that you are

It sounds to me that you are no longer dealing with a biological clock but with a high volume air fan. Be careful that you don't let that thing spin too much faster of you will blow any possible donors away with the wind velocity.

In all seriousness. Good luck with the baby should you decide to go that route.

Best regards.

Thank you Rags!!! Fingers

Thank you Rags!!! Fingers cross... I have a doctor's visit next week and I am hoping for some fertility guidance.

I understand your point. But

I understand your point.

But I need to have a child. I can do it without my husband. But it would be nice to have a child by someone that I know and love. Rather than a stranger from a sperm bank.

I know every personality trait, characteristic and family connection with my husband. That can not be replaced by a sperm donor.

Sorry if my need to have a child as a woman, disturbs you.

I personally think any child

I personally think any child brought into the world loved and wanted will turn out just fine. Plenty of single parents, adopted parents, gay parents, family members raising kids, etc...provide better homes than some "typical" families consisting of a biological mother and father. I think it just depends on who the person/people are and how good of a parent they are....not their sex, their relation to the child, or how many of them there are. That's my opinion anyway.

Certainly you are correct

Certainly you are correct that many non traditional families raise good kids. I have good friends that are a product of non traditional families who have great parent(s) and are outstanding members of their communities.

However, I have no doubt, nor do most experts, that an intact family with a male and female parent in a quality marriage is the best way to go as far as raising children.

Best regards.

I agree fully forestfairy.

I agree fully forestfairy. Thank you...

I can't believe I'm about to

I can't believe I'm about to say this, I really, REALLY can't believe it, but I get Blended's point and I have to say (you ready?) I agree!

The needs of a child should be first. I understand the urge to have a child. I had my first at 37 and my second at (gulp) 40, so I get the whole ticking clock thing. But really, let's say you get pregnant, leave this site because you're happy with your child, your marriage ends, and then there's some other poor woman that joins ST bitching about the woman who got pregnant on purpose and left her DH, and now she has to deal with a skid.

A child, every child, deserves two parents. Are there many single parents in the world? Yes. But is it fair to the child to do this on purpose? I don't think so.

Please no hate filled

Please no hate filled message. I understand that this is a morally challenging situation. And I struggle with it myself. But I am a good person, that has support and loved my family unconditionally for over a decade.

I have given up of myself with asking for anything in return. My husband if fully aware that I want to get pregnant. He is fully aware that we are having issues.

I am not lying to any one. I admit that it is irresponsible. I said that initially.

But hate filled messages will be deleted.

I can not grow or learn from hate.

No... I wasn't referring to

No... I wasn't referring to you at all . Someone posted a really hateful message and I just deleted it right away.

Other than the baby mama comparison... lol, I appreciate your sharing your thoughts.

You missed something.... and

You missed something.... and maybe I should have made it more clear.

My husband is fully aware that I want to get pregnant. He is fully aware that are relationship is on the rocks. We have full conversations about this all the time.

NO ONE IS BEING LIED TO OR MISLEAD.

And do not compare me to some ignorant a*s, drama seeking, conniving Baby Mama.

I am the one that raised and supported (financially and emotionally) my SD's their entire lives, as their full time mom - while the birth mom was out there in life, free as a bird having a party for life with no responsibility.

I may be asking for advice. But don't confuse that with me being a dumb ass Baby Mama.

Thanks Blendedfam. Message

Thanks Blendedfam. Message heard loud and clear.

Thank you Maux. I appreciate

Thank you Maux. I appreciate the encouragement. My parents divorced when I was very young, and I was raised by Mom. She was an amazing parent and powerful source of inspiration.

The difference I see is that

The difference I see is that those BMs are having children to try and save a relationship, NOT because they want a child. Doesn't seem like a lot of them want the child at all. The OP here is wanting a child because she WANTS the child, regardless of what happens with relationship.

I don't even necessarily disagree with you BlendedFam, I'm just playing devil's advocate. But the OP isn't deceiving anyone.

TheRealMom, my best guy friend and I made a deal that if we both reached a certain age and hadn't settled down or gotten married/had kids, that he would knock me up. I think maybe you need to find a guy friend like that!

Totally!!!!... lol. I need to

Totally!!!!... lol. I need to have a buddy that can come together with me and make things happen if we both get to a certain age and need a little. I like that!

Wow, I'm getting your point,

Wow, I'm getting your point, blendedfam. I never really stopped to think that BM might have been in the same shoes I'm (and realmom) in now. I agree with you on this point. However, real mom did day that her husband knows about this. I think if the can work it out among themselves and she's not fooling him, then for her situation, what she wants might be an option both parties can agree on. Unconventional, but workable.

does your dh want more

does your dh want more kids?
I understand the desire to. I dont think a child necessary HAS to have two parents. Sometimes its better for the child for the parents to be split up (in my dh's case with sd's bm!) and Ive heard of plenty of women who use a sperm bank/adopt and raise children on their own. I dont think your horrible for wanting that.

My husband is open to it...

My husband is open to it... I just mainly struggle with it because our relationship is rocky.

But I fully capable of raising a child on my own.

If I did have a child through sperm donation and my husband and I were separated, he would still be a part of my life.

He is a really good guy in that way.

I completely understand how

I completely understand how you feel. My DH is a great dad to SD, and I would rather have a child with him than a sperm donor. Even if my DH and I don't work out, I know that he would still be a good dad and be very involved in our child's life.

Then we have the sperm donor option, where the child doesn't even know who the hell his dad is. No thanks.

I totally agree TheWife. My

I totally agree TheWife. My hubby is a good man. Even if we don't stay together as a couple, I will have him as a friend for life. Outside of our relationship he is an amazing person inside and out.

i agree 100% with jackie!

Beautifully said Jackie!

Beautifully said Jackie! Thank you for this...

I agree. I of course in my

I agree. I of course in my heart want to have a husband that supports me and loves me when I bring a child into the world. But waiting on that could cost me the possibility of having a child. It's not something I am willing to wait on.

The Real Mom... Had to jump

The Real Mom... Had to jump in on this one, because it is a unique situation.

While I somewhat understand the "want" of having a baby... I have to agree with the numerous others that basically have replied that it's not fair in this situation for you to just think of what YOU want and what YOU need. There are the needs of the child first and foremost.. and the needs of the man in your life. He SHOULD BE more than a sperm donor.

And babies don't always help keep things together. Babies are very often the straw that breaks the camel's back, even if you feel you are going into this with open eyes. That doesn't mean that your husband is.

Most importantly... Don't forget why we are all here. You are going to be tied to this man for the next 18 years PLUS if you have a child with him. You cannot expect him to not allow his "other life" - meaning his own children not to be tied to this child. They will be 1/2 his too, you know. You may even end up having some other woman in your child's life, helping who could become your - ex to raise your child.

Are you ready to allow that? If you don't care about the man... think of how you are going to feel when your DH wants to do family outings with the entire family - including his bio children from his previous marriage. And if you break up? And if he meets someone else?

There's MUCH MUCH MORE to think about honey than just "I WANT".... Please.. if you consider yourself a "good mom" I believe you will consider raising a child in either a home with a loveless marriage (sex could fade) OR (b) raising a child in a divorced home because you already know there are issues.

Or do you not care about anything else at all besides what you want? And will you then become one of the BM's we read about on here that think that they are the alpha omega, the beginning the end because they are THE MOTHER...

Hi Stick, My husband and my

Hi Stick,

My husband and my step-daughters are amazing people. Even if I were not in a marriage type relationship with my husband. He and my step-daughters will always be a part of my life and my families lives.

Whether I have a child with him or not, he will always always be a dear and close freind to me.

Not being my husband doesn't mean that I will never see him again. He is too good of a person to not continue on in some way or another. That being said, if I were to get pregnant by him, he would always be a part of the child's life and so would my step-daughters. That is a non-issue.

And in response to your statement that a child needs a two parent home. While there are always many benefits to having to parents in the home, it is not the end of the world for a child to be raised by their mothers.

I was raised by Mom who was a sigle mother and she was an amazing parent who I have so much respect for. I am well adjusted and have not daddy issues. I have had tons of role models in my life.

I'm 42 and I have no bios and

I'm 42 and I have no bios and have decided I really want one, but I can tell you this without equivocation:

I have NEVER known a baby to save a relationship. I've heard many people say "I thought if we had a baby..." and it NEVER works. More stress, more money problems, more strain.

DO NOT stay in a relationship for a baby. Bail out and go have one with someone and raise it yourself or just wait.

You're doing a HORRIBLE disservice to a kid if you bring it into a disfunctional situation, and you're doing yourself a disservice too...

If you're having the baby and don't care what happens in the relationship then you are dooming the baby to either a bad relationship, or (b) a life of step-parenting and confusion and more of the grief that you're going through right now. It's either bad for you, or bad for the baby, or bad for everyone.

If you're taking votes, I vote no.

Your lost 'I am confused'....

Your lost 'I am confused'.... your message is misguided.

I said quite clearly in my original post that I have no fantasies that a baby would save my marriage or fix my life somehow.

I am not dillusional in any way.

Thanks

I understand. That issue

I understand. That issue aside I think if you feel like it might not work out you're bringing a kid into a situation that either isn't working or is bad, OR you're assigning the kid the fate of being raised by a single parent.

Is being raised by a single parent always a bad thing? Hell no. Just like being the kids of divorce is not a bad thing.

But we ALL know from the research that kids from divorced parents are far more likely to do drugs, get in trouble, drop out of school, get divorces themselves, etc....

Along the same lines kids from single parent households are WAY more likely to have trouble as well. Not all the time, and some grow up to be President, but you're bringing a kid into a situation where the odds are stacked against him/her.

I prefer to go into situations where the odds are for me, and in this situation you control whether or not you step into it.

You might raise a kid all by yourself and have plenty of money and raise the next Secretary General of the U.N., but know that you might be placing this kid behind the 8-ball to start.

I still don't agree. I was

I still don't agree. I was raised by a strong woman, that was fully educated and never missed a days or work. Was and is an amazing role model.

I can and will be that person with or without a man.

What would your advice be for a lesbian or gay couple?

What would be your advice for any woman that gets pregnant and decides to not stay with the man because it is an unhealthy situation.

Basically I would love for my marriage to succeed. But I am 35 and I have no desire to wait any longer. I would like to be able to run, bike, play and keep up with a child.

I have no desire to split up my family and rush out to find another man to get pregnant. Now that is bad thinking.

Hunnie, I understand. If you

Hunnie, I understand. If you were a teenager and you got preggers right now, no one would be telling you these things they are now. If that teenage boy decided he didn't want to be a dad to that baby, then everyone would tell you what a strong individual you. If you had no job and had to live with your parents everyone would be saying you would make it one day.

But here you are a GROWN women, with a job, a good head on her shoulders and you are getting told what you want is wrong. I say if you want a baby, go for it. You will be able to support it and since you do WANT it, you will love him/her more than anything.

Just my opnion.!

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

Hey Nemo! Usually, I don't

Hey Nemo! Usually, I don't think we disagree... but I have to say that my advice would be exactly the same, but probably STRONGER if she was younger. I seriously think she should at least look at the questions I posed... And to just say "go for it" is a little reckless.

We are supposed to be grown up... and growing up means not always just doing what you want. Sometimes, it means taking other people into consideration too...

I'm with Stick. So is she

I'm with Stick. So is she supposed to dupe this poor guy into dropping off some sperm with no plans to let him raise the child in a two-parent environment?

Bad.

First, she never said she

First, she never said she wanted to "dupe" her husband into having another child. He is fully aware of her wants/needs and he also knows that their relationship is rocky. Did she say she was going to be prego and then run away to never let the guy see his child? No she didnt. She said if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out.

Bringing a kid into a

Bringing a kid into a relationship with foreknowledge that you may be raising it in two households, with all these other sKids around, and multiple partners and every that entails, is just shitty.

If it happens that two people have a baby when things are going well and they split, that's one thing, but knowing full well that you could bringing a kid into a disadvantaged situation is selfish.

I usually try not to judge but that's just plain bad. Wait til the relationship is solid and have a baby, or don't have a baby in a rocky situation that could lead to a kid being shuttled between houses with step parents everywhere and half-sisters and half-brothers, and non-biological siblings everywhere...

She's an adult and can do whatever she wants but I don't think there's a relationship counselor or child advocate on the planet that would tell anyone that's a good idea.

Either way, I will have a

Either way, I will have a child. If I don't have a child with my husband, I will have a child on my own (through sperm donation or adoption). I would rather my husband be the childs father. I have all the money I need, so I would never have my hand out to him. He is an amazing father and that would be great for the child. I would rather my child know his/her father than go the sperm donatino route and not have a clue as to how the father is.

No one is being mislead. Not sure why your so outraged by this all.

I have no real desire to leave my family. I am hoping for the best because I am married with kids and love them all.

But if my sense of well being becomes a risk because my home enviroment is not improving then I will have to move on. But I will always be a part of my families life.

Exactly Maux! I have plenty

Exactly Maux! I have plenty of male role models in my family. My husband will always be a part of my life even if we are not a couple and don't have a baby together. So my child will have a male figure in his or her life no matter what.

Hey Stick! How ya doing old

Hey Stick! How ya doing old friend? Havent seen or talked to you much lately!

And I understand. I just think, the lady wants a damn baby! Why shouldn't she be able to have one because her relationship is rocky? She isn't trying to have a baby to SAVE the marrige, she is trying to have a baby because she has that need inside her and she wants to feel that little life growning inside her, know that she is going to have a bond with that baby no one else will have.

I dunno. No matter what us faceless people on the internet say, she is going to do what she wants.

LOL ... Nemo. Although I am

LOL ... Nemo. Although I am very very determined to have a child, I am keeping my husband in mind. If I need to reach out to sperm bank because of a rocky relationship I will. But it would be the last resort.

Thank you

Thank you Nemo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) to you to.

I've thought of the exact

I've thought of the exact same thing. You know you can buy the eggs of a Stanford volleyball player for about 50k. They're bright, tall, motivated... perfect stuff for a breeder.

But, I'm going to hang on a little longer and see if things don't work without hiring someone...

It is really hard to be a

It is really hard to be a single mom. I am divorced but I was married a long time and was lucky enough to be able to stay home with both my kids when married...until they were in school. I can't imagine having to do then what I have had to do since I divorced...work full-time, be a full-time parent, take care of the household stuff. Trust me it can be really hard. It's a lot easier now because my kids are teens but I feel a lot of grief and guilt for divorcing their dad and their dad essentially missing out on a lot of their growing, etc. My ex and I agreed it would be best for the kids to be with me and it's been a sacrifice for both of us.

I can understand the desire to want to have a child, trust me, but pleast think about your decision long and hard. I am not sure how old you are but if you have time, maybe you should consider leaving. As they say, one door closes another one opens. If time allows, I wouldn't let go of the dream of having a traditional family. I had it, and I can tell you, it's pretty damn good, and even in a not so good marriage...it is 100 times easier than trying to make it in a blended family. My exH is not my perfect match...my exBF and I got along much better but compatibility wasn't enough to conquer all the stress, and it seems you know that since you're married and in a blended family. Trust me, a biofamily is so much easier and better...at least it was for me.

My kids are well adjusted and happy, turning out great so far and I am almost done, so I know one parent can do the bulk of the parenting, but I do feel that their chance for success is so much better in a two parent home. Men and women have different strengths that they bring into parenting...mothers are generally more caring, nurturing etc. and dads help discipline, provide males role models, security. There is a reason it takes two people to make a baby...because both roles are really needed!

I am not judging...just please, think about what it might mean for your child. Best of luck.

Thanks Alexandral, Thank you

Thanks Alexandral,

Thank you for the advice. I raised my stepdaughters with the drama of their birthmom, continous court visits (regarding a long ugly custody battle that she lost), calling the police on birthmom, countless voilent threats from birth mom, being basically bullied by my own youngest stepdaughter in my own home. All this while working full time and fully (basically on my own) supporting a family of four.

I think I will do just fine own my own with one child. I also have the full support of my mom who has alreayd offered to be a full time baby sitter. But I will be so in love my future baby, that I will be there 100% percent of the time. But it's great to know that my mom will be there for me.

But thank you for the message. I appreciate your taking the time to write to me.

Follow your heart

Follow your heart Storiesbysteve. I wish you the best of luck with this.

if dh is ok with you getting

if dh is ok with you getting prego even if you split, go for it.

however, be prepared to support your child alone... arrange everything LEGALLY before getting preg. dh shouldn't be financially obligated if he gives you the juice for the kid that really only you want --- he's actually saving you shit loads of money...

children of divorce or babymamma tricked daddy happens all the time (happened to dh), so your kid is not going to be odd ball out if he only has a mom... yes, a complete nuclear family is ideal, but it's not real life these days....

i hope you & dh come to a mutual understanding and i hope you get blessed with a child..... i also hope my 39 yr old self gets blessed with a beautiful baby of my own.. i will keep you in my prayers...

Thank you Starfish. I have

Thank you Starfish.

I have basically brought all the money to the table in my relationship. Hubby is an amazing person, hard worker and very smart. He is currently in school.

But basically, I already know that he has no money. I have no plans to 'go after him' for money. As time goes on (if I get pregnant by him) I would really just want him to be a part of the childs life.

Thank you for the will wishes! Best of luck to you too.

I really feel I must respond

I really feel I must respond to this since I was once in the same place, sort of.

My XH and I had one son, and my XH was happy with that. He wanted no more children. (which is one reason I had no problem getting an annulment from him in the Catholic Church when we did divorce.)

I DID want another child, and he knew it. I never duped him, and I kind of KNEW I would end up raising her basically alone. We "got pregnant" at a weekend at the shore 18 years ago. I always wanted my son to have a sibling. Had he been willing, I probably would have had MORE kids (well, maybe ONE more...)

We divorced when she was 3 because, quite frankly, he just didn't want to play "family". He worked very odd hours and provided very little in child support as he was a perpetual "job hopper" at very low-paying jobs.

That said, the best thing I did was have my daughter. I was 30 when she was born and, like YOU, RealMom, I was in no hurry to remarry. I didn't know if I'd ever meet anyone else with whom I'd have a child, and I didn't know if I'd want to have kids when my son was a teen (and very involved in sports). So, yes, I KNEW that having my daughter was not going to save a "sinking marriage". But, I knew that I wanted another child.

If you want a child, and your husband is AWARE of that, then I say go for it. Women DO have a right to "choose" if they want a child or not.

Idiot

P.S. I'm just kidding... trying to lighten the mood.

You are here

Staying in hopes of getting pregnant !!!?!?!!!

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