My response
Whew, I've been busy reading, writing, deleting and re-writing. This is what I've come up with.
Advice please...
I found the attached letter that you wrote to your father. I have to say that I've known how you felt about me since the moment we met. Your feelings about me came through in your actions and attitude toward me very clearly. However, seeing it on paper was the reality check.
I could write pages in response to this. Your feelings are your feelings, but your facts are not the facts. I feel, though, that I need to make a few points clear and I'll keep it short.
1) I have never tried to come between your relationship with your father, quite the opposite actually. How you feel about me is irrelevant. You say that you want your dad back, but you never 'lost' your father. Your relationship with him is entirely in your hands. Adulthood comes with a myriad of advantages and disadvantages. As an adult, you can schedule visits and phone calls however you like. (note: please be respectful of the time as the boys, your father and I are asleep at 10).
2) I'm sorry you feel that your father and I were married out of a sense of obligation to (BS2). If that were the case, we wouldn't still be married. Only the two people involved in a marriage truly know what their relationship is like. Viewing from the sidelines does not make anyone an informed expert.
3) Any changes that have happened in our lives have been our choice. That's how a marriage is. People grow and change, married or single. Change can be difficult, as you clearly understand.
4) How we live and what we do with our finances is our business, just as your business is yours. As a family, we need to discuss and agree between ourselves what would best benefit us.
As for the remainder of the letter, I'm not going to address anything as it doesn't warrant a reaction from me. Again, I'm sorry that you feel the way you do. I honestly believe that I have tried. I can't figure out where this hatred is coming from. But like I said, your feelings are your feelings and nobody but you can change them. Hopefully in time, as your own life evolves, you'll realize that change is a fact of life and is inevitable.
- stepoff's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Now that I re-read it, it
Now that I re-read it, it sounds kinda bitchy and condescending.
Back to the drawing board...
I get where you're coming
I get where you're coming from, I really do. I have thought about this over and over. She's been saying nasty things about me since the beginning of time. She thinks I don't know about it. She really thinks that! I just feel like I have to say/do something. Maybe, just maybe if she knows that I'm aware, she'll think about her actions and stop. Pipe dream? Maybe. probably. But I have to do something. Doing nothing won't change anything. Maybe doing this won't change anything either, but if I don't try, I'll never know.
What was your SD's reaction to your email?
Any time someone is doing
Any time someone is doing something and thinks they're getting away with it, they'll continue to do it.
Any time someone is doing
Any time someone is doing something and thinks they're getting away with it, they'll continue to do it.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Exactly what I am trying to explain to DH. When he is not standing up against SS's behavior, he facilitates the behavior in essense condoning it. One has to have boundaries and be ready to defend them.
Off the top, I'd say it would
Off the top, I'd say it would be very difficult for me to write even a civil letter to her. I commend you for taking the step.
Thanks Stepkate. It's
Thanks Stepkate. It's difficult. I find myself writing what I really want to say, and then have to delete most of it. I just need to get some points across to her. Just the way she dictates how marriage is "supposed to be" when she can't even keep a boyfriend. She tells him how I've taken all his money (WHAT?!?!?). She says how I'm a wedge between her and her father's relationship. It's just all too much. She's so condescending in her statements and very assuming in that she "knows" what is happening in our marriage. I'm just so sick of it. I've been hearing it for years, and I'm over it. She needs to get a grip and look at her behavior.
Stepoff, your making me
Stepoff, your making me laugh, I knew u were gonna comment on it first! LOL... Yea it did sound bitchy.. Here's an idea.. Drink a glass or two of wine, take a deep breath and go back to the drawing board
Even if its a waste of time, SD is still a bitch and gives you the stank eye, whatever, if it helps YOU to tell her ur feelings and get the weight off your shoulders, grab both reins and go for it sister! 
*HUGS*
I think the letter above,
I think the letter above, bitchy or not, is fine. It addresses the necessary points & it lets her know that the fake smiles & hugs are not necessary. Her feelings are in the open. This gets your feelings in the open. I can't imagine her letter didn't have some bite to it. I think it's fine for you to have a little bit of a bite-back in yours.
I'd have to agree with Storm.
I'd have to agree with Storm. If was short, business like and to the point. I saw nothing wrong with it considering the things she had said about you.
whoever said the part about "finding" the letter...that might be the only thing I'd change. Maybe something like "I felt it neccesarry to respond your letter, not that you found it." Or "I'd like to adress some issues regarding your letter"
Yes, BlendedFam made a good
Yes, BlendedFam made a good point. HennyPen, you wording is perfect. Mind if I borrow one of your introductions?
feel free to borrow what ever
feel free to borrow what ever you need
DG and Stormabruin, thanks.
DG and Stormabruin, thanks. Ugh, this is soooo hard. You know, when I married DH I honestly had NOOOO idea things would be coming to this. What a disappointment. I think that she just needs to know that I'm aware of the crap she's been spitting for years now. Even if she continues after this letter to her, it'll be on her shoulders. She can think and say whatever she likes from here on out. But she'll still know that I'm on to her. Thanks for the support gals!!
Stepoff, your welcome.. I
Stepoff, your welcome.. I mean what's the worst that could happen? SD wouldn't like you?! LMAO, ok that's not funny, well it kinda is
*
*
Maybe instead of writing a
Maybe instead of writing a response to her, you could casually drop some hints at the party that you know about the contents of the letter. For example... If SD says something to DH about wanting to do something together or needing money, you can chime in with "Well, since you know that I run DH's life and control his money, you need to check with me first." Say it really nicely though. Then SD will realize you know the contents of the letter and also that her words didn't scare you away. It might also give DH an opportunity to defend his relationship with you in front of SD.
But that's kind of stooping
But that's kind of stooping to her level and acting passive-aggressive.
I agree. I expect that the DH
I agree. I expect that the DH should say something BEFORE the party so it isn't a big pain in everyone's ass if it blows up. You don't want to ruin the party. Hinting though will bring it all out and that will get us right back to the privacy thing and catch the DH by surprise too. Not a good idea to drop hints.
Good idea though. I could
Good idea though. I could drop sooo many hints. But yeah, I don't want to stick DH in the middle of a feud.
Iamconfused, that's exactly my point of doing it now. I don't want a blow-up at the party and ruin his niece's day. I love his niece, she's such a sweet girl. Believe me, I know SD. She's a coward. That's why she wrote her thoughts in a letter. She couldn't say it to DH's face. And I know she won't have the balls to say anything to my face either. I just want the info out there, hovering over her head like a cartoon thought balloon.
I'd tell DH that you read it,
I'd tell DH that you read it, it upsets you, and you expect that he will resolve it by either telling her "I showed her the letter" or "I haven't shown her the letter but I'm going to give her the Readers' Digest version and I expect you to talk to her, hash this out, and move on like adults because she's my wife and she's going to STAY my wife."
My DH tells me all the time
My DH tells me all the time that I'm passive-aggressive. Maybe you're both right
I guess a good question to ask is "what is the goal here?" Is it to have SD know that SM read the letter? Or to have SD know what SM's response to the letter is? I thought in the other post that stepoff wanted to make SD feel uncomfortable at the party.
I agree with all the other
I agree with all the other posters, your letter is fine as written. And I understand what you are feeling and want to get out of it. My oldest SD not too long ago sent a hateful letter similar to your sd's to my DH. My heart told me I needed to respond, if nothing more than to let her know I read it. However putting emotion aside, my head told me it would do no good.
In the end I wrote my response but didnt' send it. I still hang on to it to reread every now and then. I know it was the best choice. And I agree with Youngwife2, that is likely to be all it proves to your SD.
If the situation presents itself somewhere down the road for you to let her know you can simply tell her you read her letter to her father and you are sorry that she feels that way but there is much she doesn't understand. Simple, sweet, to the point and not throwing back anything to cause an arguement. That's just my opinion, but I know how hurtful it is in a situation like this.
Just make sure you tell DH
Just make sure you tell DH that you're sending this letter so he'll be able to stand behind you and so he won't get surprised.
Thanks for all of your help.
Thanks for all of your help. Seriously, I LOVE that I can come here for advice. I read all of the responses and took some of the advice. The letter has been sent. I was texting DH throughout the day about this. He agrees with me addressing the letter with her. I think he would like to do it himself, but he's just such a WIMP when it comes to being firm with her. So I guess I have to be the bad guy.
He liked the letter. I sent it to SD, and cc'ed DH on it so she's aware that he's included in this decision.
I'll keep you all posted.
Thanks again everyone! You're the best.
Stepoff, good luck! You said
Stepoff, good luck! You said you CCd him, does that mean she can see that you also sent the email to her dad?! If so, awesome!!! That's way she can't twist your words! Please let me know what happens! I will keep my fingers crossed for you!
I think the letter sounded
I think the letter sounded fine.
But then I would write what you REALLY think and never ever post it. It maybe good just to get it out of your system.
Or you could write back "Love you too. Muah!"