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As an individual...not necessarily a parent or a stepparent, what drives you?

stormabruin's picture

Submitted by stormabruin on Tue, 06/15/2010 - 9:22am

This started out as a response to a comment Crayon made about being drawn to men who are broke...financially & emotionally. When I finished my thoughts, I decided I needed to post a new blog about it, so as not to change the path of someone elses blog.

There's this thing about me...I always want to fix things/people. I grew up the 7th child of 9. My mom was a SAHM. Needless to say, we had what we needed, but nothing more. Our Christmas gifts & birthday gifts often came from garage sales & thrift stores. (My mom is the thriftiest person I know. She can find a deal anywhere!) Don't get me wrong. I don't EVER remember being disappointed on Christmas morning or on birthdays. I couldn't ask for a better childhood. I feel blessed to have an incredible family, & I couldn't imagine my life now had my parents not had ALL of my brothers & sisters. I am used to living on a minimal income, & I can feel happy that way. There are times, though, when I could really just use a break & not have to deal with the paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle.

As far as men, I tend to be drawn to "broken" men. DH was struggling when I met him. He was dealing with trying to raise his kids to be happy, respectful, & respectable individuals, all the while trying to help them cope with the fact that their mother didn't feel they were worthy of her time & attention. Before I truly fell in love with DH, I fell for his kids. They were the "broken" ones. I wanted to "fix" them & be everything they missed in their mother. When they left, DH fell apart. I was in pieces, myself, but felt compelled to pick us both up & "fix" our life together...now without his kids. It was my mission.

Seems it's just something about me...something I'm not sure I could do without in life. Granted, like the money...I need a break now & then. I need an opportunity to feel like I can let my own load fall & know that someone will be there to help "fix" me.

Hmmm...putting this out here makes me feel like there's something really unhealthy with this... :?

Comments

sweetthing's picture

Submitted by sweetthing on Tue, 06/15/2010 - 9:28am

I have always chosen men who were beneeth me, that I was better than. I think it has to do with not believing in myself enough to think that I deserved someone who was sucessful.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Tue, 06/15/2010 - 9:58am

I seem to "end up" with men who don't have much either.,,I believe a part is my mom telling me many times in highschool when I dated a couple of great guys "he's Roo cite and good looking for you...". Yes, she actually said that about 2 guys I dated. Both guys dressed very nicely and conservative, bboth súper good looking, both good students and went on to good colleges, etc. My sister on the other hand was always "the smart and pretty one"...even TODAY at 42 I am told by some of my mom's friends "oh, your sister is so beautiful!" just like i heard when I was young...I think it bothered my mom and dad that my sister was so "smart and beautiful" yet dated ugly men and men who didn't have as much as we did...I don't know.

I will say that I did NOT know my DH didn't have a pot ti pi:; in...I knew of him and he was always out in the clubs, had his own house, a decent paying job, etc...until months after we moved in together did the witch go after him with a vengeance and he ended up broke...not because of me, I made plenty of money and supported myself and had savings, no debt, etc...

So I wasn't looking to fix him...or help him...but after months of moving in together my family adored him..all my friends and my parent's friends adored him...and I did grow up w/the reputation of "who can stand you! You dump everyone!". Although I never did...and in some way I wanted my parents and friends to realize I was not a horrible person and stayed even though it cost me alot financially and mentally.

My mom has a divorced brother whom she has made his life he'll after he divorced because she took the wife's side and didn't care if he didn't have money to eat as long as he paid CS to the witch who would withold visitation constantly if CS was a couple of days late! She married a lawyer and my uncle was made to pay 600USD a month in cs to the witch, while his salary was 834USD a month for two kids and this was "over 35yrs ago!!!!" In a way I wanted to ensure my husband took care of his kid so that my mother wouldn't treat him as she did her brother...and she was happy w/him until she realized how much this affected MY SON economically...she didn't care when it affected just me though...She harrassed me when DH didn't buy his daughter something and I wouldn't give him the money...by the time she realized the unfairness of CS, it was too late for us to recover...now she blames my DH! Go figure!

So I DO believe my upbringing has alot to do with who I ended up with and how terrible it's been...

BTW as she never told me I was pretty, actually would tell people in front of me "I don't know why you think my girls are pretty, because girls w/brown hair/eyes are much prettier than blondes/blueeyed"...when she met DH's daughter she CONSTANTLY told me how beautiful she was and that she probably looked like her mom!

Pantera's picture

Submitted by Pantera on Tue, 06/15/2010 - 10:40am

Im a fixer too. Every guy I dated was a drug addict. They all cleaned up and got great jobs after I left them (there were 3), lol. My DH wasn't a drug addict but I felt I had alot to fix, with him and his son. I came into this picture thinking I could fix them and we would live happily ever after. I am sorry to say that they probably won't change until I leave, which makes me feel very sad, angry, and uneasy. I didn't realize that I was trying to fix my family so hard until recently. I have no idea why Im like this.

stormabruin's picture

Submitted by stormabruin on Tue, 06/15/2010 - 10:50am

I didn't really realize it about myself either. In high school, I wanted to be a family counselor. I've always been a very compassionate person. Throughout all of my years in school, my friends were the kids who didn't have any other friends. LOL! In my junior year we all took a career aptitude test & I was discouraged from going into any kind of counseling career because of my desire to have a family of my own. It said that with my personality, I was likely to get too attached to my patients & it would have a negative affect on my family life. It's the only career I have ever felt a pull to. I never went to college because I couldn't think of anything else I wanted to go for. I really feel like if I had gone on with counseling as a career, I wouldn't feel so much of a need to be with someone I needed to "fix". I don't know that for sure, but it's something I wonder about.

Pantera's picture

Submitted by Pantera on Tue, 06/15/2010 - 11:25am

DH has even told me I should go into the counseling field, but goodness forbid he listen to me!!! lol.

stormabruin's picture

Submitted by stormabruin on Tue, 06/15/2010 - 12:09pm

I'd likely get the same response. After all, good advice only applies to others situations...never DH's. LMAO!

HennyPen's picture

Submitted by HennyPen on Tue, 06/15/2010 - 10:54am

Acceptance. I choose relationships where I have to work for acceptance and affection. The relationship with my dad is probably what triggered it at a young age. My current DH is the only relationship where I don't have to try. He loves me for me, but I find myself picking the relationship apart because I don't feel completely worthy of his affection. It's such a warped point of view, but I am being honest. I think he can do better than me and I have to work to make sure he is happy with me. It's my own warped mind. Luckily he is patient and loves me regardless of my psycho-ness.

stepoff's picture

Submitted by stepoff on Tue, 06/15/2010 - 12:19pm

I don't think that sounds unhealthy at all. As a matter of fact, I completely respect and admire you for having that trait. I'm not necessarily a 'fix-em-up' type of person. All I remember ever thinking a good trait in a spouse was that if he was divorced, he wouldn't have younger kids. Not that I don't like kids, I do. But I didn't want to have to deal with the drama of skids and a BM. DH's 'kids' were adults when I met him. As for the drama, boy was I wrong!!

stormabruin's picture

Submitted by stormabruin on Tue, 06/15/2010 - 12:37pm

"All I remember ever thinking a good trait in a spouse was that if he was divorced, he wouldn't have younger kids."
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And the thing about that is that having been divorced myself, my goal was to find someone who'd been divorced (because he'd already know what to expect in marriage), someone older (because he'd be more prepared to settle down), & someone with kids (because I wanted someone who has strong family values & would know what to expect in a family life). I really thought I had it all figured out. However, I had no idea that a BM could throw such a massive wrench into my life. I figured our home would be our home & her home would be her home. Skids would spend time in both homes & every now & then we'd all go out & eat pie together. Turns out, BM doesn't like pie, so my perfect world fell apart. Smile