I was a Stepkid
My parents got a divorce when I was young, I was nine, my brother was 6. BOTH parents, my Dad and my Mom gave us THE Speech. To this day I think THE Speech is the reason my brother and I had no divorce issues. They both told us "its over, we are never getting back together, we all need to move on". I knew my Dad didn't really mean what he said, but saying it really helped us get over things quicker I feel. We knew it wasn't ever going to be again and that was that. They didn't sugarcoat ANYTHING. They both told us the truth when we asked something, even if the truth was bad. And as adults, my brother and I are close with all of them (parents and stepparents). As a stepchild, I think parents should be truthful AND make it known that they aren't getting back together. I could not imagine doing the things these kids are doing to us. I would have my butt handed to me. It makes me furious that DH gets defensive when I talk about my experiences and says SS10 "is not you, he is more sensitive". Screw that, if you and BM would have done things right, the child would have no damn issues!!! UGGGGHHHH!!! I just wanted to put this out there. Im angry at my situation.
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Comments
It is a horrible thing.
It is a horrible thing.
I'm so glad that the talk
I'm so glad that the talk helped you out with your parents' divorce. I do believe that every divorcing couple needs to talk with their kids and inform them of what is going on and what to expect. However, my DH and his ex had the talk with the skids. Didn't work. SD just doesn't want him to be happy with ANYONE except for her mother. Mental block I guess. Some kids understand divorce and others don't. I wish I had a SD that did.
I agree, some kids are
I agree, some kids are different. They do have a right to thier feelings.
A right to their feelings,
A right to their feelings, yes. But not the right to meddle, dictate, accuse, assume, slander, snub and all of the other 'wonderful' traits that bitter kids of divorce sling around.
And thats what I deal with.
And thats what I deal with.
Everyone is different. You
Everyone is different. You may have coping skills that are innate and specific to you, that make it easier for you to process information like that. It's great that you and your brother were able to handle those issues so well. I think your ages may have been helpful in that.
I was only a baby when my parents divorced, so I knew nothing different. That was how life was. I never wished for my parents to get back together as I never KNEW them being together. The same goes for my child.
It could be that some older children who experience their family breaking up just don't want the unknown, the change that divorce brings. The wondering if Dad's new GF will like me, if Mom's new BF will be nice... the wondering if my life will ever be the same. Also, having the knowledge that, at one point, their Mom and Dad DID love each other and then questioning how it is that love can just disappear like that...
I don't know that it's not fair to advocate that all parents should do the same as your parents did. If you're feeling insecure about how the relationship with their father is viewed by his children, then that's YOUR issue to deal with. I don't feel you should force how you would deal with things onto him. You're coming from a different place and you have an agenda that might be different from his.
I don't know how you could make things better for yourself other than to examine why this bothers you so much and see what you can do to make it better for yourself - not what someone else can do for you. I believe that we are responsible for our actions and feelings and that we are the only ones who can change them.
In MY situation, DH and BM
In MY situation, DH and BM didn't do the right thing. They gave SS false hope and they BOTH were guilty parents. I have been with DH for 4 years, SS10 has lived with us for 3 (DH has full custody). This child openly tries to drive a wedge and still asks if Daddy and Mommy will get back together. Mommy and Daddy have been split up for 6 years. Don't you think it's enough already? It is MY ISSUE NOW because DH and BM didn't do the right thing when they first split up. Im not saying this method is for everyone (although I do think it may work for the majority), but I do think that in my situation it would help as it did for my brother and I.
Personally I think that YOUR
Personally I think that YOUR PARENTS did the right thing! They set the boundaries right from the start with you and your brother. They did not play into giving you false hope by their actions that one day they would reunite.
I am a stepkid as well and I always adored my Step Father. And would have never dreamed of going against him with my Mother where he was concerned.
These days we forget that children dont make the rules for how we are to live our lives as adults. I had The Talk with both of mine, not only when their Father and I divorced but also when I married my DH.
We do ultimately have the power to our own happiness and I think by you expressing your feeling to him are the start.
I know your question was
I know your question was rhetorical, BUT if you want and answer what prolonged false hope will do to a child...come to my house, lol.