Where is the "line" that keeps you a STEP parent and not a PARENT?
I was thinking this morning about how every step parent has an imaginary line that they cannot cross because they are, indeed, a STEP parent and not THE parent.
Where is your line? And who keeps you at that line? Is it you making a boundary, your SO, the children (
"you're not my mom!"), etc?
For example, my friend is a step parent in a situation where his wife will not allow him to discipline at all. AT ALL! He provides love, hugs, cuddles, bed time stories, and play time, but is not permitted to reprimand her or give her time outs. He worries that he will not be taken seriously or will not be respected by the girl as she gets older.
In my situation, I am allowed to discipline (meaning time-outs) as it is my household and they follow our mutual rules. It works well. However, it kills me that I don't go to doctor appointments, or child care appointments/meetings, or teacher meetings, or registering them for school. I am part of their life in every other way, and it is at these times when it hits home that I am not a "parent".
This got me thinking about how every situation is different and I am interested in knowing where all of you come from.
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Comments
I agree that every "parent"
I agree that every "parent" should attend parent/teacher meetings and such. My DF and I will do that, but there is a definite tension there that BM does not feel I should be there. She won't say it to my face but she makes some comments to DF.
Here is my thing. I will not
Here is my thing. I will not care for any child in my house without also having the power of discipline. I discipline SD6 when I have to, but I would rather have DH do so. The thing is that I don't agree how DH handles his daughter sometimes. Sometimes he punishes her TOO MUCH when it wasn't that big of a deal, but then sometimes not enough when I think it required more. He usually is on my side when It comes to disciplining SD. He rarely spanks her but I have never touched her in that way, that is my line. I only give her time-outs.
I think it also has to do with the age of the kids. I met Sd when she was 3, married when she was 4. Now she is 6.
I agree with Gia, I am not
I agree with Gia, I am not going to live with kids that I don't have the power to discipline, but I don't spank them. I also keep my mouth shut about bigger decisions like educational and health care decisions and hair cuts.
So, Riekate, your line is
So, Riekate, your line is basically all forces outside of your household?? You mention keeping your mouth shut about education and health care and hair cuts...is it because your opinions tend to differ so you stay out of it entirely?
No usually I agree just don't
No usually I agree just don't feel it is my place. If I had a strong objection I would say something. An example of this would be the Bio parents were deciding which elementary school to send SS5 to, they both observed the classrooms and schools and talked at length. They asked me for input as I am involved in both schools and gave my feedback and let them decide. It was a win/win but they need to make the choice for their son. I was joking about haircuts because it is the one area that I strongly differ from the bio-parents (I don't like the shaggy look on little boys) but not really a big issue.
It us BM who puts up a line
It us BM who puts up a line for me. I provide discipline and loving care while he is here and I go to his doctors appointments as well. When school starts I will be apart of that too. If BM and us are not getting along then I only go when DH goes, however, at the times that we do get along I go with her. It works for us because I am a "parent" at our house. I raise him just as I raise my daughter and love him just as much.
So, you gage your involvement
So, you gage your involvement on the status of the relationship between the parents involved, knowing when to stay out of things and when to be involved?
yes, the thing is that I have
yes, the thing is that I have been involved since he was 6 months old and know how to gage my limits. I know when it is appropriate to step back and when it is appropriate for me to be there.
I guess that I should also
I guess that I should also mention that luckily bm and us get along most of the time for SS. We dont always like each other but get along for the most part. and she realizes that I play a big role at our house. She may not always like that I go to the appointments but she knows it is best for him because we are raising him.
There's more than one "line"
There's more than one "line" in my situation. Some are self imposed, some my SS has put in place by his actions, and others DH has put there.
I am allowed to discipline, but DH has the final say. I put up a boundary in that I will not be vulnerable to rudeness and disrepect, which as at times has prevented me from being affected emotionally at all, even in positive ways. Any time we have to live our lives or make decisions according to BM's preferences, to me, DH is drawing a pretty clear line that she is his mother and I am just the one helping them with their child.
Ooooh, I feel you!! I think
Ooooh, I feel you!! I think that is what I was getting at as well...at any time when the BM's decision outweighs mine (which obviously is her right, I'm not saying it shouldn't) it reminds me of my place.
Thanks - I'm writing an essay
Thanks - I'm writing an essay on this topic and wanted some other perspectives. I appreciate all the input and would love to hear from others!
SteppingUp: In my case, BM
SteppingUp: In my case, BM tries to put lines down for DH and he asks me to help him break them all the time. She hides educational and medical info. He and I conspire to find things out and show up at events unexpectedly. Another example was when I realized this year that he hadn't gotten any info about school pics in several years, so I stopped by their school and got info on how to do backorders. Got pics of skids as a gift for him.
My DH obviously wanted someone to have his back on parenting issues and even be the bad guy to BM sometimes. It works for us, but I know it definitely would not work in every case. I'm an attorney and I'm used to a lot of conflict and arguing with adversaries, so I get along great with this situation. I am glad for the chance to see on this forum that other things work for others as well. Thanks!