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Too many people in one relationship when I want there to be just two...

AlexandraL's picture

You can read past blogs for history, but I've been unhappy for over a year. My main problem, aside from not liking SD, is that it seems I cannot have a separate, private relationship with my boyfriend. He is living at home at the moment, and his mother is in frequent communication, knows all about his finances...hell, he has a loan with her. He also depends on his mother for child care, company, etc. I am uncomfortable with how their relationship is. Ditto for SD and my BF. Thankfully BM has faded out a bit, but since I am not living with them anymore, I don't know how things really are...I think that she relaxed once she knew I wasn't around her daughter...she's got some OCD issues related to health etc. SD is quite a bit younger than my teens, who are both good students, active in extracurriculars...I consider myself a good mom. Btw, BF has 50/50 custody, so he and BM see each other all the time, and having an only child, they're super focused on SD.

Anyway, as I said, I feel like it will never be just my BF and me as a separate, primary relationship. I am divorced and my ex is not intrusive, I don't need to consult with him -- there are never any issues to consult him. I am not financially dependent on my father, nor do I live with him. Financially, emotionally, and logistically I am on my own; my BF is not, and d/t financial reprecussions of his divorce and paying CS to a lazy BM, it will be years before things can change/he can move into his own place, etc.

Has anyone felt like this? I feel like I am 100% my BF's, but I feel like I am sharing my BF with three other women...his mother, his daughter, and his ex.

When I was married, my ex and I had a private life. Our parents didn't know our finances, we didn't borrow money from them or take out loans (neither of us do still) -- I don't think it is good to mix money and family unless it is an emergency. My dad is not up my butt. He's not calling me all the time, the way my BF's mother does, over stupid shit that can wait.

I feel like my BF is not as available as me. I want that...I want a man free of controlling women who make it impossible for us to have something private.

We got into a huge fight recently...he asked me what I want him to do, not answer the phone when his mom calls? (She had called when we were in a loud restaurant...she ALWAYS calls, he could have called her back. Shit, he was on a date with me!) I said I wanted him to fix the root problem...the relationship that leads to her needing to call him all the time to ask where he is etc.

I don't even know what I am asking for...thanks for listening to my vent...

Comments

Rainbow.Bright's picture

Wow, I know what you are asking for, a healthy relationship. He obviously does not have his life together. His mom is supporting him in so many ways, so it's like you are dating a 15 year old. If he were supporting himself and taking care of his own responsibilities (millions of single parents do it every single day) you would have a normal relationship without sharing him with other women. I honestly think you need to let him go and tell him you'll be available when he becomes a responsible adult. I know you probably don't want to hear that.

You aren't getting what you need. You don't have a 'man', you have a boy. Of course a boy can't give you the healthy relationship you deserve! He's still being raised by mom!

I will say this about you, you seem like a strong person to be able to put up with that kind of nonsense.

Elea's picture

Between his 3 other women, Mom, BM, and SD, that sounds like a recipe for misery. If you really want a relationship with just the 2 of you then you're going to need to find someone with no children. You won't be rid of the BM until the children are at least 18 if not longer and kids are forever. Personally, having a suffocating potential MIL would 100% tip me over the edge into deal breaker territory.