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I know it's normal... but it still hurts

Storm76's picture

Submitted by Storm76 on Fri, 04/23/2010 - 3:16am

There's been some issues with SS10 recently - he ran off one day, has had a couple of episodes where he's completely lost it and raged around the house, hitting out & OH had to go over to help calm him down (trying to get some counsellor support in there).

Anyway, last night he finally opened up to his parents & told them that a, he was being bullied at school, and b, he wants them to get back together.

I can't blame him for feeling that way - I know it's normal & perfectly natural, but it still hurts - what do I do?

Comments

Sita Tara's picture

Submitted by Sita Tara on Fri, 04/23/2010 - 5:34am

I'm sorry to hear. I've heard those things from my SD too. She was manipulating me (as she was the one bullying at school and acting like the victim, and she and BM had a campaign to undermine my marriage- guess they finally won out there) but it still hurt to hear.

I wouldn't say it's normal. My sons don't feel they want my exH and me back together at all. But we divorced very early in their lives.

I hope the counselor can help. Don't settle for a counselor who only validates his point of view though, make sure the counselor challenges it as well.

Storm76's picture

Submitted by Storm76 on Fri, 04/23/2010 - 8:09am

Thanks Sita,

What's strange is that this is over 2 years since they split up, and over a year since his dad moved in with me. He seemed to be fine with everything - we've never had major problems with him when he's with us.

All I can think is to say to OH that although I understand why SS10 feels like this, it does still hurt me.

"God never gives us more than we can cope with, I just wish he didn't have such faith in me!"

Selkie's picture

Submitted by Selkie on Fri, 04/23/2010 - 7:55am

All you can do is understand his pain and let him know you understand. Show him kindness and think of him with compassion.

Your DH should definitely address both issues with him directly. The school should be notified about the bullying; they take these things seriously these days (if you're lucky). He can also validate SS's feelings by letting him know he understands how he feels and yeah, it sucks to have your parents split up. But that doesn't change how DH and BM feel about him. He's still cared for and loved by both parents and no one is going anywhere.

I'm glad to see he'll be receiving counselling around this. Hopefully he'll be able to connect with the counsellor and process these feelings before they get out of hand.

Pantera's picture

Submitted by Pantera on Fri, 04/23/2010 - 9:00am

It depends on the time the parents have been split. My SS10 still wants mommy and daddy back together and they have been split for 6 years (not normal), but had he been acting this way after a year, I would say it was normal. Id hate to say this but watch out for the wedges he will try to drive between you and the manipulation. Your DH needs to sit him down and let him know its not going to happen. Get a good counseler, one that you all like.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the
better part of me" -Incubus

iwishyouwould's picture

Submitted by iwishyouwould on Fri, 04/23/2010 - 10:56am

yep. I think it is a fairly normal, albeit delayed, reaction. I would have dh (and bm if possible) make it absolutely crystal clear to the child that there is no hope, whatsoever, of their family returning to the way it once was. I would have he (or them) do it in the most loving, gentle way possible.. but also leave no room for fantasy.

"if you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up."