what the hell is my problem

ok self...you know we have the SK every wednesday, you talk to yourself all day, talk yourself up to be excited and happy when you get home. Make plans in your head to have a nice night with them, even stop to get cookie dough to bake cookies. yup, driving home quite smitten with self, park, think how happy the kids will be to do cookies, open door...and immediately I am in a sour mood. why? why do I do this. No one did anything, no one said anything, no one is arguing. Am I just that much of a bit$%? I think it may be because my normal routine is thrown off, I don't have that down time before the cartoons are blaring, SD5 is constantly underfoot so I get annoyed. I just feel like such an a-hole for not being more glad to have them over. I think maybe there is something wrong with me...but even the whiney "I want...this daddy, I want to do that daddy" just drives me bonkers. I am sure it is because she just doesn't get to see him all the time, just the EOW and Wed.

so here I am with myself, and my computer in my room like a hermit. Is it just me? do others feel the same way?

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I feel exactly the same way.

I feel exactly the same way. And we are 50/50. What IS it?!

I'm the same way and we have

I'm the same way and we have them 100% of the time. They're relatively good kids but there's just something there.

and thats true here too.

and thats true here too. They aren't bad kids, not heathens or destructive. I don't know what "it" is that makes me so down when they're here. It helps to know I am not the only one, but then I feel so guilty for not wanting them here. Of course I hide it, isolate myself for the most part, but I feel guilty to DH for not caring about them the way he wants me to.

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... why would you feel worthless and weak? You gave everything, your entire heart.. giving it to him. To truly give your heart, your trust, is taking the bravest of all risks--C.Young

Jajita, do you think you

Jajita, do you think you could be putting too much pressure on yourself? I remember feeling overwhelmed thinking that I always had to entertain, that I always had to be careful of what I said in front of them, I always had to make sure that I didn't do or say anything that could be repeated outside the home, and that I had to do everything perfectly so that they wouldn't think I was weird, or what I cooked was nasty, or that they liked how their Mom did something better than I did.

I was basically pretending to be someone else, and it wore me out to the point where I didn't even enjoy coming home. I wanted to come home and not have to worry about what I did or what I said, or what anyone would think. It was like I was entertaining "guests" all.the.time nonstop.

Imagine having company over to your house that you don't know well enough to be comfortable around...that's what it felt like.

I finally just stopped caring what BM thought of anything that goes on in my house anymore. And I'm doing alot better about being myself with the skids regardless if they like who I am or not...I just decided I was going to love them regardless if they loved me.

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"Most couples have not had hundreds of arguments, they've had the same argument hundreds of times."

Middlemom, you could have

Middlemom, you could have something there, I know my guilt stems from the fact that DH is SO good with my son that I want to be able to do the same for his 2 DD in return. And it doesn't come natural to me the way it does for him. Granted my DS is with us 90% of the time and the girls only come for their scheduled visits. Maybe I need to stop trying so hard to be like DH's interaction with them and just be me with them. I hadn't really thought of it like that. Thank you for your input!

..lol..thanks Ms. Freeze,

..lol..thanks Ms. Freeze, you are right kids are stressors, even my own makes me grow a few extra grays some days! (and my head is getting quite a few) I have never been a "kid person". It's not that I dislike them, I just don't have that connection that some others seem to have. I know I would never have made a good teacher, daycare provider etc...maybe I need to just learn to accept that part of me and not try so hard to change it when they are there.

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sorry Steperg, but this is

sorry Steperg, but this is nothing they have done or not done for me. This is my own shortcoming that I will not blame them for. They are good kids. That's all I have to say about that.
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"Don't worry in another 13

"Don't worry in another 13 years you can ban them from the house" I don't understand what banning them from the house will do? It hasn't really done much to alleviate your stress bc you're still sooooo concerned about what your sd is doing even though you "banned her" from your house. I don't see how that helps anything? Seems like the only purpose it serves it to put more strain on everyone rather than just tackling the problems head on and coming to some understandings and compromises.

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We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. ~Anaïs Nin

I think you've got

I think you've got something here DPW. For all of us. It's why I'm having a hard time letting go of this dysfunctional blended family. I wasn't done making it "work" yet.

I think the expectation of

I think the expectation of what I think it should be like versus how I truly interact, yes that could be it. Same basic principle. I know I feel awkward too with, how can I say it, lovey dovey kids. For example they always want to hug and be near you, they say I love you ALL the time, and it's uncomfortable because I don't truly love them. I usually say thank you, I like you very much too in return. It could also be the difference between boys and girls...my DS is very independent, not a clingy kid like them so it's an awkward situation for me. Wow, that was just an one of those lightbulb moments!! yes...awkward..yay! I might be at the beginning of figuring myself out!

"Dream = I could be the

"Dream = I could be the inspirational SM that I read about, putting aside all my insecurities and bad feelings about the situation"

"Dream = I could make it work, I would try harder at the next visitation"

Ooooh..are those statements so me...yup.
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... why would you feel worthless and weak? You gave everything, your entire heart.. giving it to him. To truly give your heart, your trust, is taking the bravest of all risks--C.Young

I am the same way Jajita!

I am the same way Jajita! My husband always ask why I have to be in a bad mood every Thursday when the kdis are at our house. Everything gets on my nerves! They don't pick up after themselves - they whine - they complain - they have the TV up too loud - they eat snacks and then won't eat dinner - they talk back to my husband. I just wish maybe they would show some respect and not be little brats all the time and that my DH would enforce some rules/expectations.

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what the hell is my problem

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