Well, as you can read in my previous blog I told my Bf that I thought we would be better as just friends and we really didn't see each other for a while but we ended up talking...long story short, in my mind we're "friends" but actually in some gray zone re our relationship.

A couple of weekends ago BF had a major epiphany while I was with him...that I had been right and that he understood why I have felt jealous, second, less. He said he realized that he's been in a separate sort of relationship with SD and that he's been holding onto old dynamics. When BF and BM were married they had a child centered marriage...SD was the center of their marriage and family, instead of BF and BM being the center. I guess it is because SD wasn't planned and they weren't married when they found out she was on the way and their relationship was on the skids. At any rate, SD was the glue and the focus.

Fast forward, they're finally divorced but the dynamic is still in place...SD is the center anchoring BM and BF to the past.

He admitted to me that he's kept SD as the main focus of his life and the center of his life and had a hard time integrating into a new life with me and my kids where we are all together. BF admitted to me that stepping out of this dynamic with SD and BM felt like a betrayal to SD. BM and SD have a very symbiotic relationship and my BF said he's felt like he has to compete with BM in order to keep SD in his life...that if he didn't make her his focus that he knew she wouldn't want to be with him anymore (they have a 50/50, EOD arrangement). He said he realized he's been driven by fears of being left...

I completely understand his fears, although I've never been in competition with my xH (or he with me) and have never feared losing the affection of my children...I've just always been the mom and parented, never afraid of losing their love or my place in their lives. It must feel horrible for my BF and while I feel sympathy for him, the entire situation causes me pain.

He cried and told me he couldn't even bear to think about that his actions/the dynamic have got us to the point we're at now and caused me so much pain but he said he knew it had and that is was behind all the things I've been saying for the past two years. He cried because he said he felt he'd never be free of the shit from his marriage and BM and SD...that he'd never be able to have what he really wants, a family. The thing is, him holding onto the past keeps him from having the very thing he wants. I told him he needs to step out of the past and the triangle he is in and step into a new situation with me, my kids, AND SD.

It's like BF and SD have had this private relationship that is the primary relationship (ditto for BM and SD to the exclusion of her BF)...the primary relationship is not with me. I adore my kids but my primary relationship was with my husband when I was married and my relationship with BF was also primary. I'm sorry, but I really cannot see how any woman would be comfortable with a child, esp. an only child daughter, holding equal rank to you as a grown woman. It's no wonder I have felt like the other woman all this time. Finally it all makes sense!

He said he wanted to change and I know he does, but quite honestly, I am not sure he can. In the past few weeks I have felt a shimmer of hope for us because BF sees that he is the root of the problem but he is weak, and God knows he loves SD and is so fearful of losing her if he doesn't kiss her ass, make her the center, his sort of partner...instead of being a parent, which she really needs in order to grow up as a functional part of society. I told him that he's just doing her a disservice making her the complete focus and making all his decisions based on her reaction...he so realizes it but again, I am not sure he will be able to do what it takes to change things, and even if he does, how long is this going to take. I have teens and SD is only 8...which means at least 10 years of struggling...probably many more than that given how her mom is and how she is currently spoiled.

I'm exhausted, really. This is his stuff, his journey, not mine. He's the sweetest person with the kindest heart and he loves me and my kids but damn, I can't live with him and SD so long as the current dynamic is in place. I don't think any woman could. It kills me too because my kids adore him.

I've made a new life that incorporated BF and I feel like I deserve the same. I am essentially baggage-free -- I don't have a 50/50 custody situation that requires constant communication (er, intrustions, text messages, discussions re stupid shit -- everything is a major issue when it comes to beloved SD) with my xH, I am not making decisions about my life based soley on my kids (if I was, I'd never move them here), I have my finances in order, I am ready, but I feel he just isn't.

I am not sure what I am really looking for from you all...I guess I want to know if anyone has been in a similar situation and whether things improved.

Thank you for reading my novella, lol