I know that stuff rationally, Vic. But so much is different for me now. I left my ex. With our vows intact I did. He thought I was cheating, and I did have a crush on a friend. But I never acted on it and could therefore own my decision without the need to make my ExH think it was his fault for some reason. I didn't even date anyone at all for 2 years after my divorce.

I only had to get a job. No move. And b/c it was my decision I think I built up in my mind how to fill my time without the boys way before I had to deal with it. I now have a ton more compassion for what my exH went through with being forced to be without my child against my will.

It sucks. I had no idea when I left my ex just how much. I told my ex the other day that I now understood why he was so much more upset about us ending and why he tried so hard to keep us together. And being this was both STBX's and my 2nd marriages, I mistakenly thought we'd fight the way my exH did to try to keep together.

I am struggling with his lack of trying to stay married. He never even told me he was considering a divorce before this. I can't comprehend that.

I know that eventually my need to make sense out of things will just have to accept that sometimes there's no bigger picture. Shitty things are part of life, grief is part of life, heartbreak unfortunately has been a huge part of my life. I worry now more than ever that I invite it in the choosing. I thought I was past that part, that I was smarter than that - wiser than that.

But I'm not.

I just am afraid to invite it again. I don't trust me to do what's best for me anymore, you know?

I just can't get past feeling the rug being yanked out from under me. I think if I didn't have to be without BD4 I'd be ok. And for the most part so far I won't. He brings her back tomorrow night to do eggs and spend the night, he'll take her for breakfast and bring her back and then I'll have her til a few hours with him on TH. And after that I'm booked with her or things like the writing retreat pretty solidly.

That will help.

Help...

but not heal.

Thanks for the edit!

Thanks CG. I am sure rationally I'll get through it. It's just the most painful loss I've had to date.

I think I am grieving the loss of a nuclear family for BD 4 most of all. I didn't want this blended exponential parenting for her. I didn't want two rooms, two houses, two dads, two moms for her. I would have walked on hot coals to keep her from more dysfunction, you know? I wanted her parents to model what a good marriage is for her, so she would grow up secure and happy and have a great example of what to look for in a lifemate.

I wanted to teach her that term actually. We all get hung up on soulmate. It's not something I view as achievable anymore. I think it was Steve that used that term "Lifemate" on here.

I like that.

I thought I had that.

And though I know I wasn't being the most amazing lifemate several mos before my life fell apart. I was trying to make a comeback and just when I hit it- knew it- was ready to give it my all?

BOOM.

Rug pulled out. Up is down. Black is white.

The sky is green and the grass is blue.

It's just so weird. I don't think I've ever felt this way before.

Thanks...I needed this from all of you guys tonight.

Fading you reminded me of a writing exercise I've yet to do. I bought a marble heart at one of my retreats years ago. It's gray and black and has very little marbling throughout except for one circle in it toward one upper part of the heart.

The exercise states that you examine the heart you've chosen and think about why it appealed to you as well as describe how it reflects your own heart.

I'm not yet ready to go there for sure. But like many things I swear I was saving it til I needed it. Just like the $100 massage gift card STBX got me two Valentine's Days ago the one before this miserable one. The one that I posted about as the most romantic wonderful V-day I'd ever known. (Though according to him we hadn't had a good time together in YEARS now.) He was kind of irritated b/c I had misplaced the gift card. I have looked off and on til all this came out, b/c I knew it was likely in with old sentimental stuff like cards, and once he announced he was ending our marriage I couldn't bear to look through it all.

So this week I was looking for MIL's address in a file where I put old envelopes with addresses on them.

I'd looked there before for my gift card too.

And it literally just slid right out from the rest.

Like it was saying to me, "You only THOUGHT you needed this before."

The hard part is it's from the spa I went to for a massage the night before our wedding. So I'm not sure I'm up to revisit that one yet.

But I do need it for sure.

Thank you misfit. It's plenty good.

"...your actualy NOT starting over from scratch... your just
carrying on where you left off before you met him"

I wish in some ways but in some ways I think I'm not- some good/some bad.

I have been drowning so long in dysfunction, that I am in recovery I believe. And that part has to likely happen before I can even be close to the woman I was before. I feel like I'm a survivor of an emotionally abusive situation. Torn down. Beaten. Exhausted.

So I am taking a few weeks to heal now that he's out- this week was with BSs on their spring break. Next week is BD 4's spring break.

Then I really have to get moving on finding a job/deciding on a career/perhaps looking into another degree.

Once that's done and only when I'm on my way can I begin to think about finding my own place. Unless something irresistible falls into my lap. Otherwise I'm not forcing anything. I know that may upset him. But I also think that he's not comprehending what's happened from my perspective, my truth. As I told my counselor I don't want to or like being an injured party. I've been there/done that. I never let myself be this vulnerable before.

And I regret that I did. I have to forgive me, not him. I need to be there for myself from now on.

Etc etc. Again- rational brain is VERY good at this sorta thing.

My heart?

Is crying foul.

Thanks Steve. I think it doesn't bother him as much to be apart from BD. Not that he loves her less, but that I am deeply attached to her and she to me. I have always considered her a gift from God, as when I left my first marriage, part of what I left was any assurance that I would ever have a baby girl.

And she will be worth all I've gone through to have her in my life.

But it made me soak her up to a greater degree than I did my sons I had in my 20's. I knew it was the last time I'd be pregnant (high risk and 38) I knew it was the last time I'd nurse...

etc etc etc.

And I thought I would never had to sharer/miss seeing her on holidays.

I have to say, going through this makes me understand possessive BMs a bit more.

It sucks, especially when I would have given every last bit of myself to not have to go through this and he wasn't interested in that at all. When he's done, he's done. No discussion. Done. I have never been that way, and will never be so.

I guess eventually when I move on it will have to be with a man who feels the same way about family, commitment, and marriage as I do no matter if he's been married once or several times. It seems like perhaps my H felt divorce solved his pain/problems before so it will again.

I feel divorce freed me to find myself before, but that I was immature in walking away without sticking up for myself and allowing my exH to leave if he couldn't handle it.

I've grown each marriage. But this one cost me even more emotionally than the first.

I'll climb my way out. It's a hell of a mountain this time though.

I felt that way in my 30's. But so far 40's have been ROUGH. Thanks though. I know that each decade/milestone has brought me gifts and growth. And as they say "no pain no gain," right? I gotta be heading for some incredibly powerful growth spurts right now, eh?

He's showing some compassion. When I asked if he realized that Easter was this weekend when he asked to start visitation right now, he said no and took her TH and F and let me have her Sat for eggs/Easter bunny and will then pick her up/bring her back after breakfast so I can have her to go to my families. He is very busy with work/business trips the next couple mos, so he isn't taking her a lot- after this weekend he's out of town til TH.

Plus when I expressed some thoughts on changes in return times so she can unwind/have a bath etc he agreed.

So it appears as if we may be able to negotiate and be kind to each other throughout the next phase. I think I needed the space of him out to be able to do that. Still was hard. Broke down many times today while he and SD were lugging out their things. And his moving a few things unearthed an old Christmas card he bought but didn't give me so he stashed it where I wouldn't find it for the next year and forgot about it I'm sure.

It was one I showed SD while we were out shopping for his card, and she went back with him to show him which one I said was so lovely.

Stuff like that sucks. The receipt was 2006, early enough that SD hadn't turned on me yet and still wanted to do stuff like drag her dad to the card store where I showed her a card I loved so he could buy it.

She disappeared not long after into the child who would give anything to get rid of me.

I think he does in some ways, but may think I contributed to her dysfunction in others. He may not be incorrect in that thought. However...

I know I didn't, personally. I know from reading the books I did about personality disorders.

I did everything I could. And it was never enough. It could never be enough because her needs are impossible to fill- by herself or anyone else.

The best I could have hoped for was to learn how to neutralize her behavior as best I could while finding ways to help her learn what a healthy way of relating with us was. Then maybe...perhaps she would have liked that and sought it for herself from other people. Meaning she could have learned that a person who is capable of relating to her in a productive way is who she liked being around.

Instead she is drawn to the drama and triangulation. And now I doubt there'll be a way to show her a better way.

As I said, I know I did the best I could with the tools I had.

The rest is out of my hands now. And really?

It's ok that it is. I can now concern myself with healing and moving forward with my children.

Thanks B. I'm feeling better. And will have all the kids back tomorrow night.

Thanks Sia. I must say whenever I list the reasons it was all worth it...

I remember that some of my best friends I have met through here, and have transcended the virtual world into my real one.

Thanks Cru. I know you've been in a similar place as I am and it means a lot to hear you strong and happy.

He's coming back any minute for more stuff. The good news is getting to see BD 4. The bad? I was doing good but the closer it gets to him coming the more sad I get. I just can't believe this is my life. That's part of grief I know. But I just can't believe it. Still quite blindsided. Even going to stores we went together makes me emotional. I didn't feel that way in my first divorce. I felt liberated.

I feel lost and alone. Unloved and uncherished ....

And can't shake the feeling I could have done something to avoid it all somewhere along the line. That's the hardest part. Feeling responsible for being in this vulnerable place. Missing all I thought we shared. Not knowing now what was even real in the first place. Wondering if he ever loved me at all.

Thanks SA. I hear it takes a couple years to really move on past heartache.

Longer to heal from emotional trauma.

On the other site I occasionally go to for moving on with your life after going through this, several members have actually been diagnosed with PTSD. I can certainly understand it. It's the surreal thing I talked about with grief. That your brain just can't wrap around such an extreme turn of events so quickly.

I am trying not to hold onto those stats regarding how long it takes to heal and move on. Because I don't want to do the leg work. I want relief and that's scary b/c I know there are no shortcuts.

My minister did a program on grief a month or so ago. It was about death, but fit all kinds of grief.

She had the kids sing Rockin'_My_Soul_

So high you can't go over it
So low you can't go under it
So wide you can't go around it
You gotta go straight through the door.

That's grief in a nutshell. Once again, rationally I know it. But it sucks none the less.

I did alone. Five years of it in my early-mid 30's. LOVED it for several of those years, but was way ready to move on to remarriage when I met STBX.

We were in such different places. And I didn't listen to my own gut, mainly in the beginning about how different we were (he was determined to prove that wasn't a factor and I finally agreed with him.) And the number one thing that worried me was how quickly he was moving on past a 10 yr marriage to a dysfunctional person. I had no idea what borderline was then. And so I thought she would relax and soften with time as they both were moving on with their lives.

Now I see him moving on way faster, before we were even finished. He hasn't learned from us not working out that jumping in again isn't a good idea. I've learned a lot. I already knew that lesson though...

but thought of course that he was different.

That's a weakness of mine with men. Taking them at their word. On the other site for recovering from being left for someone else, many people are trying to reconcile. So envious of someone who's spouse cares enough to put their own feelings aside for the greater good and at least try once the affair comes out.

Anyway....

one thing they say over and over is to not listen to what they say, but see what they do.

I'm taking that one with me for any future man. Show me, don't tell me. Well, tell me too of course...

but show me.

I thought my STBX did that. But now I am looking back with hindsight and can see many instances where I was imposing my own impressions of him, of our marriage etc, onto his actions and words.

Thanks again for the support. I'm sure it will get better once the moving out part is complete, I find a job, and another place to live.

One step at a time.

Thanks KitKat...

I miss my stepfriends so much. And the freedom to write to catharsis as I did here.

I'm going to try to do it, but remain respectful to my STBX and SD.

Basically...

It's really about me now anyway, and my kids. That's what matters most.

I have been to the city once or twice, but not moving there no. STBX has a huge extended family of Aunts, Uncles, and cousins in that neck of the woods, that I will mourn losing profoundly. I may just have to keep them, in FB world anyway.

I don't want to interfere with his future life, even if it's with the woman he is seeing now. He said at one point he hoped I didn't hate him....

that's so hard. My feelings are indescribable. I guess I'm hoping for indifference one day, once I have moved on to something that is better and healthier for me and my children.

Indifference.

I have a great friendship with my exH and sons' SM. I really don't think that's possible in this situation. I wish so much that he would have been able to leave in a less traumatic way.

But it is what it is.

Sigh...