Last names.... (Vote and honest opinions)
So me and FDH are not going to get married before the baby is born. I can not promise to spend the rest of my life with someone who I feel has not learnt how to show me respect yet. He may change, he may not, either way this baby is coming into the world.
I think it should have my last name. I told Dh that untill he can promise to be in my life for the rest of my life, the person who will be in my life will share my name. If we get married, we can change it. (It's kinda expensive I know, but its possible)
Am I getting started on being a crazy BM even before the breakup or is this reasonable?
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My honest answer is that the
My honest answer is that the baby should have his or hers fathers last name. But I'm old school like that.......
This is your child......my thoughts on the matter don't matter! LOL!
I say do what makes you both happy....maybe a Smith-Jones last name. Yours and your DH's.
What does he think about it, have you talked with him yet?
I told him about it, and he
I told him about it, and he doesn't like it. I'm old fashioned as well but I'm also realistic. You need both parents approval to change a childs name so it would be more realistic to have the name changed in the event of a marriage, then in the event of a break up. If I'm Miss A and my kid is Kid A its easier with schools and enrollment in activities, which I know I will be the only one doing... since I was the one doing it for Sd anyways... what a gongshow that was...
I agree with BM Jen,
I agree with BM Jen, Thetis... I think the baby should have the father's name. Then Thetis, if you do decide to get married, the baby won't have to change last names.
Or, you could hyphenate until you are more settled.
But yeah, I agree with the father's last name. I am old school too like that.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
This is so objective,
This is so objective, honestly. There is no right or wrong, in my opinion. I have always wanted to have the same last name as my children, but I am kind of old fashioned and always believe the child should have the dad's last name.
Plus, SD has my husband's last name, so I would not want my child being the odd man out with them.
However, my personal beliefs aside, I don't think you are being unreasonable. But think of this... Say you don't get married and you and child have same last name... then you get married and you husband is the old fashioned type that insists you have the same last name as him (as mine is! DH insisted!) and then your biokid doesn't have the same name as you OR his/her dad. TO me, if the kid has the same last name as the dad, they at least have one direct "last name" tie that won't change.
Also, where I am from, there is a social stigma with kids not having the same names as the dad because the dad is either not part of the kids life, or their dad is unknown. I live in a large city where unwed babies are quite common.
But once again, that is my own personal opinion, based completely on my upbringing and my environment. I really don't believe there is a true right or wrong here. Completely a matter of personal taste and perspective.
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Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.
then you get married and you
then you get married and you husband is the old fashioned type that insists you have the same last name as him (as mine is! DH insisted!) and then your biokid doesn't have the same name as you OR his/her dad.
My SIL just went through the process of changing her son's last name. It is one peice of paper for both parents to sign and then the other papers to change Identification. Its costly... like $200 in total but it can be done fairly easy when all parties are agreeing.
I know about the socail stigma. However, its going to be obvious that me and FDh are not wed anyways. So either I'm the odd one out (as I usually am in the family) or he can be the odd one out untill he marries me. His daughter has his last name, but also has Id with her mothers last name. I'm not sure which is legal. All of the stuff from the hospital is in her name.
I wish he would just grow up and prove to me that I'm not just some other girl that happened to get preggo (I know I know I know.... we were engaged before baby was concieved, we were planning a wedding, but his actions lately really have me doubting him.)
No, I should have been more
No, I should have been more clear. What happens if you DONT marry this FDH and your daughter has your last name, and then you get married to SOMEONE else and take HIS last name... So now you are Jen Johnson, daughter is Mary Smith, and her dad is Jack Sprat.
That's what I was trying to say lol.
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Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.
This is my older sisters
This is my older sisters situation. She is still glad that she did it the way she did. Besides you can change the last name to BFs at anytime. And if you wait till the child is 16 yrs. you can let them decide if they want BFs name or it to stay the same.
OK I get it. But my mom and
OK I get it. But my mom and dad play a huge role in my life and my child would be sharing a name with them. If fdh is not around it will be my mom helping me, so I can promise that my child will have a strong bond with my parents and even if I did end up taking some one else's name then the child will still have active family in their life that share the name. Dh's family has already told him they want nothing to do with me, which is another reason I would not want my child to share a name with them, unless me and their father were together.
damn double post!
damn double post!
I said my peice in the
I said my peice in the earlier post, but I gave my 1st born my last name and changed it to DHs last name right before we were married. I would do it again.
I understand the old fashioned take the fathers name but todays society is different. We just don't always marry the men we have children with, sadly.
Actually it was your advice
Actually it was your advice that made me wonder what everyone else would think! lol I'm just looking for opinions. I know his family will freak if the baby doesn't have his last name, but honestly up untill yesterday's craziness I wanted to sign the papers so we could all have the same last name. Now I'm not sure.
If he can convince me he's serious, which is going to mean councilling this time, then I would want to legally marry him and we can all have a "family" name. Thats what the last name is supposed to represent anyways.
Disagree
Disagree completely...whether your DH chooses to be with you or not or the other way around does not in anyway mean that your child does not have a father and therefore should have his last name...It always amazes me when men divorce women and the women claim that "the man divorced the mom AND the kids..." yet somehow it's ok for the mom to "divorce the kid from the father when she doesn't like the father or doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with him..."
I think I may be looking at
I think I may be looking at it differently. I would never say this baby doesn't have a father. I just don't want to be reminded that things didn't work everytime I go to enroll my child in something, if they dont work out.
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I figure if we're going
I figure if we're going traditional then it should be all the way traditional. The same traditions that say a baby should have their father's last name is the same traditions that say you should be married when you give birth.
I think the baby should have
I think the baby should have the father's last name. DH and I were just talking about this the other day. But in my family, my brother had two kids born before he and the mom get married, then two more after. The first one had my brother's last name, but the mom was mad at my brother when the second was born so that one has the mom's last name. Then they got married and had two more kids and gave them my brother's last name. So they had three kids with the same last name and one different.
Think about if you and the father spend several years together, then decide to get married and the kid is five and you have to change the child's name when he or she is just getting used to it. It's just confusing, it's legally a hassle. Just my opinion.
Thats a very valid opinion.
Thats a very valid opinion. I think my biggest issue is the commitment. I figure if he was sure that we'd be together then he'd marry me and I'd have his last name. But since he's not we're not going to be married before baby. So if I'm not sure, why not go with what I am sure about, and that is that my child will always be a big part of my life. Even with visitation he would not be able to spend the amount of time with this child as I can. So if he is unsure about us being together, why not make the commitment to my child from early on.
Honestly... yes, you are on
Honestly... yes, you are on the road to being a crazy BM. One week Bm had me so hyped up that I was bitching and moaning about her. So my therapist looked at me and tells me "Snowflake, you sound just like the person you are griping about, and are on the road to being dh's second ex-wife if you don't stop."
So I stopped right then and there and I keep my mouth shut when it comes to her. Don't start off your childs life by being a crzy BM. If you want him to be a good dad... then show the guy some respect.
Thank you for your honesty.
Thank you for your honesty. This is not supposed to be a hateful thing. I can see how it would look like it is but I just want to ensure that things not be a rough as they are for my Sd. She is the only one in her household that has her last name (if it is legally her fathers), everyone else (except her mom who has a completely different name) has the family name. If my fdh is not going to be my partner then I would want my child to have the same name as me. I will be the one with the most time with the child. I will be the one doing school enrollment ect. It just makes sense to me.
How can I make this less crazy? I have told him I would take his name if we marry but marriage has become some sort of issue now. He asked me to marry him, but he wants everything to be perfect. He wants a tiny wedding with all of his family, one that is planned but no stress. idk I wish I could find that fairy godmother.
My son's father and I were
My son's father and I were not married when he was born. I gave him both names with a hypen between them. However he only uses his father's name for school, ball & etc.
Who says the baby always has
Who says the baby always has to have the father's last name? Hell, I wish that BF would take MY name when we get married (won't happen) but a girl can dream.
Thetis, I see your rationale 100%. I think that you should do whatever makes you feel comfortable and whatever your gut is telling you.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
I think you should give the
I think you should give the child his father's last name (especially if it's a boy)... assuming the father will be, at some level, part of the child's life in any way. Maybe it would be easy enough legally to change it later but once a child is learning their name, that becomes their identity. I think that would be confusing to a child.
My BS has his dads last name. When I remarried, I still wanted to keep the same last name as my son..(for all the reasons you noted). Otherwise, he would be the only one with his last name in my new family. After several months of marriage, I decided I wanted to take my DH's name and I had a talk with my son (9 yo) and explained what is 'traditional' and what I wanted to do and in the end, my son is proud to have his daddy's last name and he was fine with me having a different last name as him.
My DHs SS from his previous marriage was given his moms name. His bio dad wasn't really in the kids life much. My DH raised him and even gave SS the option of taking his last name when he turned 18. When he turned 18, he opted to keep his moms (and grandpas) name and he's proud of it.
You need to choose whatever you are comfortable with. I'm sure the child will be fine with whatever name he is given (unless the last name is like 'Pecker' or something easily made fun of!), but, boys, at least, should have their daddy's name... JMO
I agree with whoever pointed
I agree with whoever pointed the odd man out possiblity if you marry someone else in the future, but then again, you could always give the kid your name and if you marry someone besides the kid's BF you could keep your last name.
$200 isn't too bad for changing it either in the future, but hopefully, that would happen before they start school.