I need some suggestions please!

Hey all,
I need some help with discipline for SS4. He is out of control. He talks back to everything I say, disagrees with everything, yells all the time, cries all the time, and lies to my face even if I catch him in the act. We have tried everything. Spanking, time outs, taking toys and/or privileges away, talking to him, everything. I still get called names, I still get blamed for everything. I just don't seem to be able to get through to him and I've been in his life for about 3 years now. I know there is a lot going on because his BM has apparently gone AWAL and he hasn't talked to her for a few weeks but nothing is working here and I am at my wit's end. My BD3 listens to my rules with no problem and I just don't get why there is such a disconnect and disrespect there. They have the same rules and punishments but it doesn't work with him. I would love some feedback, I am getting desperate here! Thanks!

TRose426's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

The biggest thing I've

The biggest thing I've learned with my SD4 (who is generally a good kid but has definite days where I'm afraid for her teenage years) is to ABSOLUTELY NOT ENGAGE IN ARGUMENTS. Catch yourself as much as you can when they talk back to not engage at all. When you say, "Eat your dinner, please" and they say, "NO!" do not begin to say "yes, you will eat your dinner because blah blah blah". That is just giving in to their desire to argue and putting you in a position that could potentially allow them to have power. We have started to tell SD4 simply, "This is not a discussion or anything you can negotiate. You will eat your dinner or else (give consequence)". She continues to try to say, "Well I don't like it," or "Do i have to eat the carrots?" and we ignore her. I used the dinner example but we use it with any other time she is arguing. When we first started using this method, we were often saying, "You are not going to argue with me. If say one more thing to argue, you are getting a time out," and "Are you arguing with me?" which would usually shut her right up. Basically, I don't think she realized she was arguing...she was just so used to being able to cause a little conflict and then eventually get her way that she was conditioned to do that. Now she barely ever argues.

We also started a sticker reward chart. There are 10 open spaces and at the end there is a big circle with a sun-shape around it (I just drew it on posterboard). When the kids do something good, they get a sticker. When all ten stickers are full they will get to go to the store to pick out a prize (planning to spend about $15). We discussed ways that they can get stickers. For our SD4, she can help clean up or do dishes or help with making dinner, also we told her if she has good manners for an entire night (she has a history of demanding things rather than asking for them nicely) she can get one, too...or if we "catch" SD4 and SD2 playing nicely with each other they will get stickers. For SD2, if he goes potty on his own he will get a sticker, or helps clean up and says "please" and "thank you's" for a whole night or day. We started this 2 weeks ago and both kids already have 4 stickers (we have them 50% of the days), which I think is great! They are both so excited to earn a sticker that they are constantly asking what they can do to help! Love it!

i know this may sound cruel

i know this may sound cruel but i have a 4 year old ss as well. my ss always was lying about everything. I remember when i was a kid and we lied to my mom she would put a piece of bar soap in our mouth and make us sit there with it until we decided to tell the truth. I know it sounds bad but it works. I have done it to my ss twice and it has helped greatly. Try standing him with his nose in a corner. he is four so make him stand there without speaking or crying for 4 minutes. tell him is he cries or throws a fit he has to stand there longer. Time out didn't work for us either. my ss talked and enjoyed everything else that was going on in the house while he was being punished. but if he stands with his nose in a corner he can't do that. Thats a punishment i took from supernanny!lol that show helps a lot with ideas to fix disipline problems.

tammy i have tried soap

tammy i have tried soap because that is what I grew up with as well...but the problem with that is BM. She interrogates SS when she has him and he told her about the whole soap in the mouth thing she she proceeded to call DH instead of me ( it was a punishment I had given) and tell him that I am not allowed to do that, and it will make him sick and blah blah. Basically I have to watch everything I do and/or say because he reports back to her and she may try to get me in trouble. The last thing I need is for him to lie to her (he has before and she believes him until she calls DH) and then have her call CPS on me for something I haven't done. That is the tricky part for me...I have to pretty much cover my ass because she will use anything she can against me. But, thanks for the nose in the corner, I may have to try that instead of a regular timeout.

I agree with this. A kid

I agree with this. A kid should only get one strike, not three, four, five. My policy is that misbehaving is the strike, and arguing doubles the penalty. You could also try this: If you tell him to do something and he talks back, your DH immediately picks him up and takes him to his room. Making the DH the punisher shows your SS that he will be punished by his DAD, and therefore that DAD is the force behind stepmom.

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Agreed!!! Stepsons KNOW

Agreed!!!

Stepsons KNOW that I simply won't put up with it. One day I was just fed up. So I sat down with them and dad and told them. " I am not dad or mom... I am snowflake. You can walk all over mom and dad, but you will not walk all over me. If you make me angry then you will have consequences. I will simply send you to your room. I am not going to yell, because I don't like to yell. And I asked them if they like when I get angry. I told them that it makes me not happy when they keep repeating something after I or their dad say no. And that if they do it then I will simply get up and take their toys away. I told them how it will make them feel. They said it would make them mad. Then I told them to simply not make them mad. I told them to not make me mad then.

I also told them that if they make me happy, by being good, then I will want to make them happy. Why would I want to be nice to naughty kids. I don't want to be around naughty kids.

Ever since that little frank discussion, it has been a little easier. And I agree. We have a one strike rule. Because it enforces that we aren't playing.

Thank you! I totally agree

Thank you! I totally agree and have def. been trying to get DH to do more punishing because SS doesn't take him seriously, and therefore take me seriously.

Stepping is right on target.

Stepping is right on target. Don't engage in his arguments. If he throws tantrums, back talks, etc. IGNORE him. He is at an age where he is trying to exert control. Arguing with him gives him that control. Give him choices "do what I ask or go stand in the corner" and be done with it.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

You are here