Need advice from those who have ended things
Can anyone share their story with me? I am really struggling.
Thank you.
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Can anyone share their story with me? I am really struggling.
Thank you.
Comments
Do you mean you ended a
Do you mean you ended a relationship where you were a stepmom?
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
No, I haven't ended things
No, I haven't ended things yet but I don't think I can continue on for much longer...
Well, although, several
Well, although, several months ago I was ready to end things, I hung in there. My FH is the best person in the world for me and he has proven it over and over.
Now, with that said, ending things as a stepparent has got to be very hard. There are usually multiple children involved, bio and step (in my situation). In my past relationships, I had gotten to the point where I was "numb" and had no feelings either way anymore. I could leave and not feel a thing, especially when I know the relationship is not going to work. I like a "clean break" - leave and stay gone.
Give me some info on how you're feeling, please, and hopefully I could be more specific with my advice.
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
We're not living together
We're not living together anymore, as the stress of his daughter and her mother and his financial situation were too much for me to handle. We've been trying to make the relationship about only us. I have two teens, he has an 8 yo. My ex doesn't interfere with my life at all, his ex w and him have shared custody and she's got issues, as does SD.
He has basically told me he cannot change anything. Maybe over time things will change he said. I cannot see anything changing enough to make me happy and he has agreed.
I can't write it all out here. Basically he has a ton of baggage from his divorce and I have none and we cannot make it work but cannot leave one another and our dream of being together.
I am in extreme agony and almost ended things tonight.
Unfortunately, your
Unfortunately, your relationship will never be about "only the two of you". Because there is baggage with the kids and the ex. BUT the one thing you both have to do is put YOUR relationship FIRST. Be a united front, a team, and always try to be on the same page. This has never been as important to me before I was in a stepparent relationship. If you cannot do this, you may be doomed. Is your SO willing to do this?
It was difficult for my FH to see how important it is to put US first for a while, but after a while he saw how it made sense for our happiness and also for the skid's stability, security, and wellbeing.
Do you have a good relationship with the SD? If so, that's good. You have to build a good foundation with her now while she is young, and that's not a guarantee that things will stay that way as she gets older.
Is the BM intrusive? Does your SO cater to her every whim? These are difficult obstacles to get past, and in my case, the threat of leaving was enough for my FH to "see the light" and turn things around.
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
I have a shit relationship
I have a shit relationship with SD. SD is an only child with issues. I have an indirectly intrusive BM who doesn't work full time and makes it very difficult for us to have any financial security. I have kids but am lucky to have an exH who is a friend and does not interfere with my life at all. Not so on BF's side.
I told BF today I feel like our relationship needs to be the primary R, not our kids. There is a lot of focus on his D, which is why things are strained with SD and us...because I don't focus on her like she is my world like all the other adults in her life. I feel like his old life/family is his present family...it is very difficult for me to deal with. I am free and clear and want a life with him, want security, but I feel like he's with his ex and D and all his financial resources are to his old life, not to me, his woman.
I don't think thing can change enough for me to be happy but I love my BF and am grieving that our dream has died because of external factors.
I have been physically ill over it...I do not think I can hang on much longer.
"I do not think I can hang
"I do not think I can hang on much longer."
This frightens me....and I hope you are not thinking about harming yourself.
If you meant hang on to the relationship much longer because of external factors....well then only your BF can change that and hopefully he wants your dream as much as you do.......and if he doesn't, then you're better off knowing now than later. I know this will not help much and will certainly not make you feel any better, but just know that we are all here for you and you can PM me anytime you want to and I will always respond and I hope I can be of some comfort to you as a StepTalk friend.
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
I am so very sorry for what
I am so very sorry for what you are going through...it is very unfair...for some reason some of these bio-moms feel that they should be supported and cherished, even after the divorce...I will never understand that...
I think you know what you need to do...my husband always says to think with your head FIRST...and I think you know what your head is telling you...It might be tough now, but much tougher for you to spend all your resources to support everyone else, while the ex and his daughter continue to feel entitled to it all...
Good luck to you...I know you will find peace once you think with your head...it always works out...
Bottom line comes down to
Bottom line comes down to what you chose for your life. If you chose him, than you have to love him enough to accept the baggage for what it is and his kids for who they are. The ex and the drama is a part of his life that you either have to deal with or you don't. The choice is yours..... You chose to bring people into your life and you chose to let them stay there. Because of that choice, you have to accept things for what they are and decide whether or not the love is enough. If it is not than you need to let it go and if it is, than you have to suck it up, put on the super woman cape and live your life. Noone said life was going to be easy or fair and noone said ex's were ever going to be easy to deal with, perhaps the reason we are only suppose to marry once!! Either way if you accept and love him it cant be conditional...you have to love him and all of him...and that includes the icky stuff in his life......... And if you decide that love doesn't overpower that... than it would only be right to leave...because you are wasting your time when "the one" is still out there...cause believe me...when you find him.....nothing about his life even when it is hard, will make you question whether or not you want to be with him....
Thank you ladies, and thank
Thank you ladies, and thank you Rusty Halo. No, I am not considering harming myself...I meant I didn't feel I could manage my frustration, anger, and the limits on our relationship much longer.
We talked a lot yesterday. I feel like a relationship should be adult focused and not child focused...in other words I feel our relationship should be the primary relationship that supports the family, that dictates what goes on, that it should be the focus, but if I was hearing him correctly, he said he was working toward that but didn't think he could give that to me. I also told him that I wanted us to make the rules together, for us to decide together what is best for the people who live under our roof. They have 50/50 custody. I said that when SD is with us, unless we're being harsh, irresponsible, neglectful -- which we never ever would be, that we needed to decide how things would be while SD was here. I said we shouldn't need to have BM's blessing. I said when SD is with BM BM does things that we don't agree with, but he doesn't confront her, he just shrugs his shoulders. He said yeah, he does, because he wants to keep the peace. So why can't we do what is best when SD's with us? 50% of the time (if we were living together again). He said he needs to coparent with BM and that he was sorry, but he couldn't give that to me, but not to worry, BM will agree with 99% of what we did. OK, right.
I told him that type of coparenting relationship really seems more like a continuation of the marriage. His primary relationship is with his eight yo daughter, he makes decisions with his ex wife...I explained it is very difficult to have a new life when the old life/family is the present.
I love him and feel he adores me and is the best man I know, which is why I keep hanging on and trying but I don't want to live within the parameters of his ex wife and bossy child. I don't want to be broke, don't want to be the sole person providing financial stability in the relationship. I want to have my primary relationship be with my SO. I want to come first.
I put him first...moving my kids away from their home to have a life with him. He'd never do that for me...
Here are the things that
Here are the things that would be deal-breakers for me:
1) Giving money in addition to what is court - ordered
2) Allowing BM to make the rules in our home (whether they are regarding Skids or not)
3) Not asking me be for agreeing to take skid on days that are not ours
4) Allowing BM in my home or to dictate what happens in my home
5) Expecting me to cater to skid. My responsibility is to respect her and her relationship with dh, I have no obligation or duty beyond that and anything more I give is my CHOICE and a gift
6) Skid will have consequences for bad behavior (rude, bossy, selfish, attitude, as well as breaking the rules)
I am with dh because I love him. I accept that he has a child (baggage), but I did not enter a relationship with his x wife and don't intend to be in one (only baggage if dh allows it). As I accept that he has a child, he must accept that it is not MY child and therefore not my responsibility. He must also accept that I live in the home too and therefore certain behaviors / rules are expected to protect my well-being and sanity. The thought that we entered into baggage is valid, but it is also valid that we are people too and these men entered into relationships with us and don't expect that we have rights as well.
Figure out where your deal-breakers are. Let him know that you respect his relationship with his DAUGHTER but would like him to be a PARENT and actually do his frikkin' job based on rules you both agree on since you're part of the household. Tell him your breaking points and let him decide whether he wants it or not. If he loves and respects you, as you do him, he can make some compromises even if they affect his daughter (within reason). Afterall, he is making compromises that affect his child for a woman he has no relationship with.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Omg, thank you Sovery. I am
Omg, thank you Sovery. I am going to print this out. You are dead on, 100%. You've said what I've been trying to verbalize in this post.
"I accept that he has a child (baggage), but I did not enter a relationship with his x wife and don't intend to be in one (only baggage if dh allows it)." That's perfect...that is how I feel. I entered into a relationship with my man, not entering a threesome where she is equal to us. That's why I feel like he's already got a wife. His ex!
Hope it helps. My dh was
Hope it helps. My dh was exactly like your bf at one time. He catered to both Wingnut and Creature because that is what he was used to in the marriage. Once I made it clear that he doesn't HAVE to do that now he was able to start setting up boundaries with Wingnut. She is not a member of OUR family. Crimmies, that is why he left in the first place. As for Creature, my point in making him see that putting her first was putting her at risk of turning out just like Wingnut. Is that what these fathers want for their daughters, to have them grow into a woman they as a man can't stand? That is when dh did a complete turnaround and started enforcing rules and holding Creature accountable for her own behavior and letting her know that she is a MEMBER of the family not the sole stockholder (so to speak). We don't even let her think anything in our home is "hers". This is our home, that we pay for and she lives here with us, but the upstairs bathroom is not "hers", the chair at the end of the kitchen table is not "hers", the office where her toybox and desk is is not "hers". They are areas in our home that she is afforded the use of.
Parents owe their children 6 things 1) Love, 2) housing, 3) education 4)healthcare 5) food and 6) clothing. We don't owe them prime real estate at the decision making table. We don't owe them all the toys they want. We don't owe them tv, electronic gadgets, vacations, cars, playdates, spousal status, etc. Our priorities are 1) keep them safe 2) prepare them to be responsible member of society (not only members of their own little world and 3) happiness (notice happiness is THIRD?).
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I whole heartedly agree with
I whole heartedly agree with you Sovery and you've expressed it so clearly. The sole stockholder metaphot is great. BF was telling me last night he didn't know how bad things were w/BM and SD because he never had a healthy marriage like me (well, the first half, lol) but that's no excuse. I worry she will grow up exactly like her mother, who is essentially a child. She doesn't have any true responbility and there is always someone to rescue her. Her mom and dad, who are divorced, give her money each month, and they're not wealthy. I don't want to finance SD's life anymore than I want to finance BM's. Add to this the fact that BM and her mom both had accidental pregancies and married the father, so that is most likely her lot too.
One last thing, yes, induging kids, esp. girls turns them into real bitches. I feel angry because all the women in my BF's life (his mom, SD, and BM) are dominating, bossy, and use power/threats to manipulate. I am above that -- it isn't me. I joked with him recently that the reason I can't get anywhere is because I don't manipulate. It's sort of the female equivalent of "nice guys finish last."
I just think he's crazy to let me go by not managing things. At this point, with us not living together, I am not sure how to affect change. Our financial situation will never improve unless I make more money (I make the same as BF) and if he could ever get CS reduced and get done with SD. That's a huge factor. I want to be with a partner who can work with me for our mutual benefit, not for HIS benefit. He would if he could, but he can't, and I can't see that ever changing. I don't want to live without financial security.