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halogone's picture

Submitted by halogone on Thu, 02/04/2010 - 11:30am

I moved here from across the country to get married to DH. I LOVE SD and would do ANYTHING for her. She is a well behaved sweet darling 9 year old. We split custody with BM. The problem is....
I have recently been going through depression as a result of being homesick,missing friends, getting used to be insta-wife and mom, among other issues. I dealt with it poorly a few times. Before I got diagnosed ( 2 weeks ago) I used alcohol to sorta get through the anxious thoughts, and terror that I felt with my family on a day to day basis. The drinking has only happened 3 times. 2 times SD saw me and pretty much I just said HI and went to bed, not wanting her to see me impared. I feel like the worst SM on earth. I feel like a million days of me being fine will not cancel out me being impared. I have gotten help with my depression and anxiety (yay Celexa and Xanax!) and feel so much better! I am just so scared she will say something to BM, who will NO DOUBT use it against me somehow. I wish like hell I could just sit down with BM and tell her the truth, but she hates me (served me with papers the day I moved here)...the whole thing just feels like a black hole. I want her to know that I am getting help, and that I HAVE NEVER done anything to hurt or endanger her daughter, and I wish like hell she would have never seen me just come home and go to bed those two times. I am enrolled in alcohol classes, a psych, counseling and my reg Dr.
I know this is the only place I can vent without judgment. I tried so hard to do it on my own, being a single woman, my own house, my own rules and my own life, to SM wife and all that comes with it. I dont regret it, but it is and was hard. That is a HUGE life change. Blah, Im trying!

Comments

onehappygirl's picture

Submitted by onehappygirl on Thu, 02/04/2010 - 11:42am

Oh honey!! Welcome to the club. Once a month, I usually end up locking myself in my room once or twice and drinking wine until I fall asleep. Sometimes it is the only way you can cope. Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who knows when I'm at my limit and will guide me toward the bedroom and bring me my wine. He will sit there and run his fingers through my hair and softly talk to me like a child until I am asleep.

There's nothing wrong with it once in a while. We are human! You have gone through a lot of changes in a very short time. Don't beat yourself up over this.
______________________________________

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

MarriedwithChild's picture

Submitted by MarriedwithChild on Thu, 02/04/2010 - 11:48am

I must know...How? do you get hubby to agree/ do that for you?!

Mine? okay well he "thinks" when I have wine that I am going to become a bonafied wine-o or something. It pisses me off because yes! once in a while (I'm not out in the bushes) I want a few glasses...

Sometimes I wonder should I just go ahead and buy it anyway, no matter what he might think and prove him wrong? ( I do loosen up w/ a few glasses in all honesty)

onehappygirl's picture

Submitted by onehappygirl on Thu, 02/04/2010 - 12:02pm

We are in our 40's. This is our second marriage for each of us. We both have ex-spouses who did not approve of drinking (although my ex-husband is a raging alcoholic now). We've loosened up over the years. My DH drinks occasionally to relax. He never gets drunk. I will maybe drink 2 or 3 times a month, and when I do, it's usually in my room because of a stressful day. We trust each other completely, and if we feel the other has a problem with drinking, neither one of us are going to take it negatively when the other tells us so. He is not judgmental in any way whatsoever. He knows the life I led before him was terrible, and there are times when I do have trouble coping, but the same goes for him. We balance each other and we each take the load when the other cannot.
______________________________________

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

stuknaz's picture

Submitted by stuknaz on Thu, 02/04/2010 - 11:46am

Don't feel bad.. you were/are going through alot. And whatever you do DON'T tell BM jackshit!! She will only use it against you! It is NONE of her business (personal issues)

"And this too shall pass..."

StepChicka's picture

Submitted by StepChicka on Thu, 02/04/2010 - 11:50am

Welcome halogone Smile I commend you for acknowledging your problems and seeking help. I can relate to the difficulties of blended family life. It takes some getting used to. I'd say a lot of us are still getting used to the blended family idea..lol

I know you want to make right by BM but telling her what was going on with you isn't a good idea. BM, for now, is your adversary. It takes some time to build trust, if ever possible, in a BM-SM relationship. Why did she serve you papers? Was it for you or for your DH?

Let me try and put your mind ease in saying that it isn't likely SD9 knew you were intoxicated. She probably figured you were tired or sick. You were feeling sad and homesick (this is what SD can know).

What does DH say about all of this?

halogone's picture

Submitted by halogone on Thu, 02/04/2010 - 11:59am

DH of course pitched a fit. He does not ever want to know about why I do the things I do, just that I behave exactly the way he wants me to, all of the time. I love him but he is VERY much a perfectionist. He told me that no adult in SDs life has EVER said something mean in front of her. I called him a dick last time I drank and came home. I find that really hard to believe. Shes 9 and I am sure she hears worse on the playground every single day. I am getting 5 million kinds of help, but I still feel like its so that I can "behave" better. Which just makes me more resentful. Thank God for Celexa.

onehappygirl's picture

Submitted by onehappygirl on Thu, 02/04/2010 - 12:09pm

Now Trinkie, dear, how many times have I told you this??? I love that you've been listening. Love you, sweetie!
______________________________________

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

onehappygirl's picture

Submitted by onehappygirl on Thu, 02/04/2010 - 12:07pm

Oh wow. I see trouble for you if you do not handle this now. Like we've all said - you are an adult. He is NOT your father. As long as you're drinking does not get out of hand, it is not up to him to tell you what you can and cannot do. My ex-husband would not allow me to drink. Finally, toward the end of the marriage, I had a beer - a BEER! You wouldn't believe the lectures I had to hear about that - for days! Well, come to find out, Ex had been drinking in secret for YEARS! I always knew he did, but to keep the peace, I never, never brought that up.

My husband now completely respects me as an equal. If I want something to drink, I don't ask his permission.
______________________________________

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

MarriedwithChild's picture

Submitted by MarriedwithChild on Thu, 02/04/2010 - 12:03pm

Sorry halogone: I busted out laughing at you calling hubby a "dick" while drinking.

(I'm new on anti-depressants too btw)

I become like yourself "more" outspoken while having a drink an seem to speak my "mind" more, like it or not...Which most seem to "not" like it...

Good luck w/ the new meds!

folkmom's picture

Submitted by folkmom on Thu, 02/04/2010 - 12:11pm

i am really troubled by your comments. frankly he does not sound like a "perfectionist" he sounds like a control freak. no other adult should eb allowed to tell you how to live your life. period. this is probably the source of your stress. you feel like if you make a misstep he will get mad...and that is exactly what does happen!

love aside...that is REALLY unhealthy behavior. why do you feel like you deserve to be bossed around? is this the relationship you want?

halogone's picture

Submitted by halogone on Thu, 02/04/2010 - 12:24pm

Eh...
I feel like the "Big City Girl" who now lives in the suburbs and has to learn all kinds of new rules about behavior. I UNDERSTAND that I cant just go running around drinking every night. Lord knows I have made mistakes, but I really think he is giving me an ultimatum and its one that I think will make me go even crazier! He basically told me that if I dont go to rehab (outpatient 3 nights a week, three hour sessions and AA every day) he will divorce me. The therapy is for hardcore druggies and alkies (not that I feel those people deserve less respect)....I did not drink every day and my behavior has been MARKEDLY different over the past 9 months. My councilor feels I am depressed and need some time (and not to deal with wine lol) to get better and re-evaluate my life from there. I guess I think that my DH would only be happy if I stayed home, never went out again and NEVER EVER EVER called him a dick LOL! I am scared that when I get better on meds and therapy I may re-evaluate this marriage. I also feel that is why my DH is SO FREAKING INSISTANT that I go the the rehab stuff. Like maybe if I start to believe I have an alcohol problem I can just feel bad all the time and do what he wants. Its a losing battle, I think. My SD loves me and I love her. Yes, I party when I have a reason to, but so does everyone I know. I feel like I am being picked on for not doing exactly what he wants, when he wants it.

MarriedwithChild's picture

Submitted by MarriedwithChild on Thu, 02/04/2010 - 12:30pm

Don't feel bad, I came from Huntington Beach, CA. to "smalltown" FL...Huge change for me.

Okay, (imo) unless you are like drinking and passing out in the bushes, calling everybody that comes in sight a "MF SOB" then rehab is asking a bit too much?

Okay, my hubby isn't thrilled about my mouth ( and a few others) when I drink personally but, if they told me to go to rehab over what you are telling me, I would tell them all to F-Off ( and sober too.)

onehappygirl's picture

Submitted by onehappygirl on Thu, 02/04/2010 - 12:34pm

AGREED!!!!

______________________________________

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

folkmom's picture

Submitted by folkmom on Thu, 02/04/2010 - 12:35pm

this is just very troubling. AA for three nights of drinking? OMG! I would have needed to be institutionalized long ago if that was the standard.

he seems VERY controlling.

and life from the city to the suburbs is not that much different.

did you know each other long before you got married?