I guess it just depends on what kind of situation you are in. I help my DH anytime and he helps me. My son lives with us and I swear DH has taken him to the doctor more since we've been together than I have. He's great........I never had anyone to lean on like this before my DH came along. My x lives two states up now, but up until last year he lived on the other side of the country. So, he isn't around to help at all.

And I do what I can for his kids because I love them, and him! I think of us all as a family.........all of us together is what makes it up. I also consider BM a part of my extended family. What ever happens to her will directly effect my step daughter, which will affect my husband, which will affect me, my daughter, my son, etc. It's just alot easier to me to love and love alike!

Of course, the BM we deal with isn't crazy.........anymore!

"If you don’t adapt and look within yourself, you’ll just keep wading in that stagnant poisonous pool of stepparent hell." author: BitchBitchBarbie

I am with JEN on this... we function as a FAMILY. When it is DH's time with SS we make sure he is taken care of whatever the needs are. And same goes for my kids. We love each others kids, and would do anything for them. BM has NO problem calling me and asking if I can pick SS up on her days as well if need be. He has 3 parents... and they are all very comfortable with that. I don't think it works for everyone, but it works for us. The kids were one year old when DH and I moved in together. I want them to feel like each house is their HOME, and not that they are only allowed there if their DAD is there (or me with my girls). How at home can you feel if you aren't allowed to be there without your dad?? I also think it depends on the custody split. We have 50/50. And I wouldn't have it any other way!

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~

He lives with us so of course I take care of my Wife's (My) Son. Whether a near full time resident or on a visitation schedule the home is the Skids home also and I personally believe the Skid should feel that the home is there home too.

Not to say that compliance with house rules, contributing to chores, respectful interpersonal behavior and basic mutual respect does not apply. It absolutely applies and the Skids should be required to be 100% compliant with these superordinate principles whether the BioParent is home or not.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

I'am the main caregiver for my SD7, always have been. It works for us. My hubby and I have 2 children together. So it just makes sense for sd7 to be with her only siblings

We have Scooty 12 days/ month...almost 50/50 time wise. I'm never 'asked' to watch her by myself, but I do. I do it b/c I want to spend time with her, and she wants to spend time with me. Neither mom nor dad have a problem with this, so why not?

"Live well, Love much, Laugh often."

I am the main care giver for all seven of ourkids. Fiance works long hours. Skids often sk me for things even when he is here, because I am usually the one that meets those needs. We however have full custody and the skids see their mom maybe 4 days out of a year IF that.

I was talking about this with my mother. She seems to expect that I would expect to take care of them. Because I knew that he had kids. Well I do not subscribe to that theory. I would never ask him to take care of my kids, they don't come here to see him, they come here to see me.

Like today, he was supposed to pick them up early and then he was supposed to go back to work. Well his fat ass wife didn't have to work today. Why should I have to watch his kids while she sits on her royal fat ass?

His dumb ass can't talk to her royal bitchness and he just bows down and takes it like a prison boy toy. I am sorry if I am getting graphic here, but I am just a tad bit ticked here.

LMR - My husband travels for work and is gone for weeks at a time. While he is gone, his daughter lives with me. She barely sees her mom.

I do it for him - because I do love him so much. I do it because he gave up so much of his life and curbed his career prior to meeting me, that I just wanted to be able to give him some support.

I do it for SD - because she needs more love and stability than BM can provide. We are changing her life. I hope for the better.

I don't do it at all for BM. I could give a flying f*ck about her right about now. I don't care if she likes it or not. She is not a good parent to this child, so I don't do it for her.

It's not about "his" child. It's about supporting my husband. And I can tell you that by doing so, SD and my relationship has grown beyond anything I could have hoped for. And that my marriage, I believe, is stronger. My husband honors me and treats me wonderfully.

I think, in your case, the only thing you have to determine, is would it help you? Would it help your husband? And would it help your stepchildren to grow a little better?

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

We only have EOWE and standard summer/holiday breaks now that BM moved an hour and a half away from us but I've never once thought about NOT having the girls for visitation whether DH is here or not! I love them sooooo much and I have a blast with them..... DH jokes that its really me with visitation and not him because I'm so close with them. DH is often on call and has to leave while they're here but it truly never crossed my mind not to keep them anyway. We are a family... they have their own rooms here and when they're here I parent them (albeit very leniently haha!) I wouldn't want it any other way! I pick them up EOWE because its convenient for me to do it and I often take them back if DH can't. I also sometimes go pick them up from BMs on off weekends just to go to the movies or whatever... just us girls.... I love them and i take every second with them I can get!

I'm stuck with the little demon when DH has to go to a client or meetings. He asked me if this was acceptable in the beginning and he appreciates it. I have no problem with it as I work only part-time and usually from home and quite frankly he is contributing more financially to our lives then I am and needs his job so he can give his "first family" $3500 a month. He tries to either work from home or be home in time to get her off the bus most of the time, but this is a busy time for him, so it is getting dumped on me more and more recently. My anger stems from the fact that he now has me taking care of the little demon on evenings and / or mornings when she SHOULD be with her mother but her mother decided to work in the evening instead of during the day. If I decided to NOT take care of her while he works, we'd have to pay for before and after school care, which would cost us a small fortune in addition to the ridiculous amount of money he gives that gold-digging, lying, lazy, worthless shit he used to share his bed with. I loathe having to take care of her especially on days when her mother SHOULD be doing it. Maybe I'd be okay with it if she weren't getting child support. We're SAVING her babysitting money AND we're paying her. It is extortion.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

well for your situation that sounds like it works...and in theroy maybe it sounds logical to il,eliminate issues and feeling like you have the right to an opinion because you contribute equally to the childs up bringing....i think thats where a lot of bm/sm issues come from. the sm does just as much as bm...bm is threatened and tried to make sure sm knows that she is not the mother...sm isnt an idiot and knows that, just wants to be respected because she does do things for skid in her home..etc

for us, we have 50/50..and bm is a pathetic nut case, I DO NOT want her calling my husband every time she needs help with something...just as when dh needs something, he has ME his wife to do things for him...if he was going to lean on his ex for the rest of his life he might as well have stayed married to her.

also, this would create issues for us because, the only thing that keeps things in line is that her time is her time and our is ours...the other parent does not constantly need to be involved..i think thats confusing to the kid...and diminishes the importance of the sm in the childs life....for you with eow thats not important, and since dh is always there when they are, you are never really left to be the disciplinarian that they have to respect.

i guess it all depends on what you are willing to have in your life. for me i am not willing to have dh call bm everytime our schedule changes or whatever and we need to adjust...i would rather have time with ss so we can bond, and i would rather be the one that my husband calls first for anything..including his son. for me it is important that ss does know im equally involved and he knows im active and care just as much about his life as his parents do. For me it is also VERY important that he knows that dh doesnt run to bm everytime for anything regaurding him. I am his wife and we are a family unit that does not depend on bm....i think this is a very dangerous issue when the skid thinks that they have the power to create issues that bring bm and your dh together...to me, skid needs to know that matter in your home are dealt with your family, and bm does not have a say

I admit that I have been one of those who has posted in the past about feeling "stuck" with the kids. I am the primary caregiver to my two Skids (9 and 12) whom we have 50/50 on an every other day schedule. BM, SD and DH all have jobs that require them to be gone for days on end and I am by default the "responsible one". I want to clarify that I enjoy spending time with my skids, and I love them very much. I think that some of my frustration (and I don't feel that way ALL the time) comes from the fact that there is a fundamental double standard in place. When Dad and BM are gone, I am the "parent", but yet I historically have been told by BM that I have no say in planning the skids activities (which I will ultimately have to coordinate/transport etc). She signs them up for things on our days and DH is gone...so voila! I am having to be BM's glorified babysitter while she and DH are working. The skids as well (particularly SS) have had me do all the leg work on a school project, activity etc. only to then have BM be the one to show up at school to "be the parent." I have had many long talks with DH about this, and I believe that he is coming around to see that it isn't that I don't want the kids here when he is gone....it is more that I want to be included and respected as a coparent.

"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"

I always take care of the skids when FH isn't around. I don't mind it at all. I also encourage him to go play cards, shoot pool, or just spend some "guy" time with his friends if a call comes in on a night when we have the skids. This way, when a call comes in for me to go out and have "girl" time, I will have the freedom to leave the skids with FH and go. We never have a problem in this area. I told FH when I moved in that I was "ALL" in - for his skids and I expected the same from him in regards to my daughter. Things have worked out well.

**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**

With our current work schedules my SS is with me more hours during the day than his father. His mother isn't in the picture. Things don't always happen the way you imagine they will. I take care of my SS because my H needs me to. He wants his son to live with us full time, but he works and isn't able to to the various errands, appts. and such. So I do. I do it because I love my husband and want to make his life easier, even if it means making my life harder. His son being here is what he wants, so I'm not going to take that away from him by not giving him the help he needs. I'm not sure how things are going to work out once my work schedule changes and he has to expect less of me. I guess we'll see. You mentioned that the parents are supposed to take care of their children. I guess in his mind, having me here is his way of taking care of his child.

"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."

My husband has 3 daughters (13, 8, & 5). His oldest daughter lives with us full-time. The way I look at it is like this: she is his daughter; but we are a team. I do what I can, but when it boils down to it-- she is his primary responsibility. I love my sd very much. I fill in the gaps. She is very respectful to me and I am to her. I will be with my sd alone for two weeks while her dad is out of state for a training class. We have done two weeks before. So I expect things to go well. My concern is that my husband is in the Air National Guard. What if he gets called away for an extended period of time? Will my sd stay with me? Would she want to? (She has very bad relationship with her SF. And is the reason she moved in with us two years ago) Do I want her to?

But in the jist of all...I do help; but only if I want to. It is not expected/demanded by husband. And I on top of it all...now their BM and I have a very good relationship. She tells the girls how much she appreciates me and my relationship with them. In fact, not too long ago she told me that herself. We only communicate when necessary. I try to stay out of as much drama as possible. And things work very well. I'm not saying that there aren't any bumps on the road....but we get through them together.

I don't take one any area in our lives and pardon that off as something I will not help dh with, especially something as important to both of us as our children. We took the time to make sure we are on the same page with that BEFORE getting married and that our priorities are the same. Now, given that, if he was going to be gone all weekend he would definitely see about them staying at home, but getting home late from work or having to work part a day and then he comes home and they are already here or I drive them somewhere I would absolutely do that. I also think for steparents that depise their kids and there are a bunch of problems other arrangements should be made.

I am in the same situation LMR. I don't watch his kids when he isn't here and vice versa. There may be an exception once in awhile but not often. I think this helps the situation alot because even though I have issues I don't think the emotion is as strong because I don't invest as much in them. Like LMR I treat them well when they are here but I don't worry about their day to day life. I don't really cook, shop or clean for them. It eliminates alot of resentment. It actually makes the kids try harder to develop a relationship with me. They really like me to be around and if I go on a trip with them they are really excited. I have taken the roll of aunt more than mom and it works for us. I don't think I could do all the things alot of you do and not feel full time resentment. At the end of the day we all do what works best for us in our situation but I think if you have a choice to back off a bit I would. People, even kids want what they don't have including relationships. They may work a little harder if you arent doing all the work.

I helped because I loved him and tolerated them no manners and all. I thought if I helped him more then we would have time together instead of him running all of the time, but to no avail. He now has no built in sitter and I sometimes go on random guilt trips especially when I hear about serious injuries they have suffered being "cared" for by dad.

**No gratitude? only attitude? thanks, but I think I'll pass**

LMR120's If this is working for you why not, you never know things might change if you get more involed - At least thats what happened to me... My hubbys ex does not like me but yet when she wanted to go out of town to party for the weekend and my hubby was working his 10 to 15 hour shifts she did give a crap. But I love my SD dearly so I would anyways, until BM sent me a text msg saying to stay out of their live and to let mommy and daddy raise them Now every time Hubby is wkin weekends they dont get to come over. AWWW .... I do feel bad for the little ones but the less I see the less iI hear from the BM.

~Life's a Journey-So take a deep breath and enjoy the ride~

I help BF when he asks for it, which isn't too often. I don't mind it at all b/c I know how stressed he is. His business isn't very consistent and there are times when he's so overwhelmed I think he wants to cry. I told him that he's not to ask Wilda for favors anymore. If he's working late or on a Saturday I'll pick SD9 up and bring her home or hang out with her on a weekend.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".