BM thinks that everything is "Fine" and her daughter "loves her"....
Her and her daughter had a screaming fest at each other just 3-4 nights ago... where BM got off the phone because she was too upset and had to be consoled and SD was lying on the floor in a puddle.
DH told BM how much she hurt her daughter. And her response? "She's FINE and SHE LOVES ME. Everything is fine . You are turning her away from me."
Hmmm.... the ability to live in denial must be a wonderful thing. I wish I had it.
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When you find it, let me
When you find it, let me know, I'd like some too
Because these Reality pills are giving me side effects.
~*Fading*~
"I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that won't work." -Thomas Edison
I think maybe BM is playing
I think maybe BM is playing the unconditional love card. Perhaps someone should explain that that gets old after awhile?
"Denial" is a small suburb
"Denial" is a small suburb of "Changed History"....
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Changed History!!! OH MY!!
Changed History!!! OH MY!!
That's exactly what happened!!
She pressured SD to pick her family's party over her cousin's on DH's side. She tried to find out every single time that SD was doing something that day so she could squeeze it in. She could not accept that SD had volunteered at a pet adoption agency and then was going right to the party and was already missing a few hours there and just could not be at her sister's 50th! She had her family text SD as well.
And now? Well, now the story is she never pressured SD. She didn't ask her over and over again to change her mind or tell her how "important" the 50th birthday was. She is "THE MOTHER" so she has the right to ask all those questions about where SD will be at what time on Saturday because she just wanted to see if she could finagle it so Sd could go... instead of taking SD's word.
So now, SD is "too sensitive" and she's fine ... and BM - she actually said this... "DID NOTHING WRONG".
Last night on the phone BM called DH "the devil" "weird" and "trying to turn SD against her" . And of all the things she apologized to DH for saying... she apologized for calling him weird! ha!!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Well, you know what they say
Well, you know what they say about the word fine... "Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional."
Stick, Despite my inability
Stick,
Despite my inability to sympathize with SD5, I totally sympathize with your SD because BM is right your SD does LOVE HER. But she isn't FINE. She is being torn up inside with thoughts of "why can't I choose "me" sometimes without mom making me feel bad about it". That really is what she's doing. The choice really isn't mom's family / dad's family. It really (in SD's mind) is a choice between what she wants and what mom is forcing her to choose. I'm proud of your sd for making her choice despite how her mother made her feel about it. I've been in therapy (largely for grief) for the past 3 years. My therapist has really helped me understand that mother really does love me, she just can't get past herself enough to show it. Try explaining to SD that some people just can't respect that other people make choices FOR themselves and not TO others and that her mother is one of those people. It has nothing to do with LOVE.
I feel like my entire life was dictated OR when I chose my own path I was emotionally punished for it. DH lived the same way with Wingnut for 20 years. We're a perfect match and we've helped each other build boundaries and protect ourselves from "guilty" emotions. Thus, my problem with SD. She isn't a compliant and doesn't (outwardly) get upset with her mother. She is more than happy behave just like her mother using guilt and manipulation in the same way, which is why I can't sympathize with her.
Wingnut is a master of denial and changer of history. I've found that letting her live in "la la" land is easier than arguing.
Good luck.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
You are right SoVery.... SD
You are right SoVery.... SD does love her mom. It is that love that is torturing this poor child again and again to keep trying.
I didn't mean that SD doesn't love her mom. I just don't think that BM understands that love can include, as you say, boundaries. BM is thinking SD's love is fully hers because she earns it by no other way than just being her mother. And in reality.. that is true. SD loves this woman for no other reason than she is her mother and can remember a time when she was 5 and 6 that she felt close to her.
Somewhere along the way... SD grew up and wanted a more mature love. A love of understanding and commitment. A love of security and safety. A love of putting SD first... not because it looks good, but because it is necessary. A love to be who she is growing up to be. Just as you say.
I think BM's concept of love is still the same as it was when SD was a baby .... Love me just because. And I don't need to keep earning it or proving it. I deserve and am entitled to it because I exist. And that is the love that SD does NOT have for her mom.
Does that make sense?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
It totally makes sense. We
It totally makes sense. We all want our parent to love who we are, who we've become not because we fit in some perfect little box that they can pull us out of and watch us "perform". SD sounds very mature. I know you didn't mean to say SD doesn't love her mom. My comment was for BM. Of course, she loves you dumbass, it doesn't mean she's FINE. She shouldn't have to please her mother to feel loved and her stupid mother shouldn't make her feel like she loves her less just because she had a schedule conflict, but parents so it all the time.
I look at it this way. If you're confident in yourself as a parent, you should be able to let your child make decisions regarding their own lives and know that they're making good decisions. Decisions that make them happy and that those decisions are something they're doing FOR themselves not TO their parents. That is my biggest issue with my mother. Everything I do is TO her. She never considers that I do things FOR me. I moved to Boston and she had it in her head that I did it so I wouldn't have to spend time with her. I did it because I loved Boston. She even thinks I color my hair to spite her. I mean honestly? I feel like your SD is in the same boat. You must love me because I exist and that love means you will do whatever I think is best regardless of how you feel and no one else should be important except me because I'm the MOM. And in NPDs warped heads they're making their child feel this way because they "love" them so much and only wants what is best for them. They never see the harm. SD may be too young but if you read (I'm a big reader) I recommend Malignant Self Love and Boundaries as good reading on how these types of people are formed and how to live with them.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Your poor BM is just so
Your poor BM is just so delusional isn't she? It's almost sad!!!!
Hug your girl again for me Stick!
Denial...the coping
Denial...the coping mechanism that never stops giving.
Sorry for SD and your DH. Must be tough to put up with that level of denial and projection.
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."
Wow. I don't know if you
Wow. I don't know if you can fix that kinda crazy. Unfortunately for her, it's a very small island, with a population of 1.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Sh*t - I was hoping this was
Sh*t - I was hoping this was some kind of drink I could take ... a shot of Denial anyone?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
I'll take a double over here
I'll take a double over here please
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."
Sound Familiar? 1. Volatile
Sound Familiar?
1. Volatile Emotions Emotional volatility is indicated by such things as explosive behavior, temper tantrums, low frustration tolerance, responses out of proportion to cause, oversensitivity, inability to take criticism, unreasonable jealousy, unwillingness to forgive, and a capricious fluctuation of moods.
2. Over-Dependence Healthy human development proceeds from dependence (I need you), to independence (I don’t need anyone), to interdependence Over-dependence is indicated by: a) inappropriate dependence, e.g. relying on someone when it is preferable to be self-reliant, and b) too great a degree of dependence for too long. This includes being too easily influenced, indecisive, and prone to snap judgments. Overly-dependent people fear change preferring accustomed situations and behavior to the uncertainty of change and the challenge of adjustment. Extreme conservatism may even be a symptom.
3. Stimulation Hunger This includes demanding immediate attention or gratification and being unable to wait for anything. Stimulation hungry people are incapable of deferred gratification, which means to put off present desires in order to gain a future reward. Stimulation hungry people are superficial and live thoughtlessly and impulsively. Their personal loyalty lasts only as long as the usefulness of the relationship. They have superficial values and are too concerned with trivia (their appearance, etc.). Their social and financial lives are chaotic.
4. Egocentricity Egocentricity is self-centeredness. It’s major manifestation is selfishness. It is associated with low self-esteem. Self-centered people have no regard for others, but they also have only slight regard for themselves. An egocentric person is preoccupied with his own feelings and symptoms. He demands constant attention and insists on self-gratifying sympathy, fishes for compliments, and makes unreasonable demands. He is typically overly-competitive, a poor loser, perfectionistic, and refuses to play or work if he can’t have his own way.
A self-centered person does not see himself realistically, does not take responsibility for his own mistakes or deficiencies, is unable to constructively criticize himself, and is insensitive to the feelings of others. Only emotionally mature people can experience true empathy, and empathy is a prime requirement for successful relationships.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
All I can say is Im glad SD
All I can say is Im glad SD has you.