Where do your "issues" with skids come from that cause you to disengage?
i ask because ss and i get along really well. he is almost 5. Most times when i find myself aggravated its because he is being a normal little boy, and is doing something like running up and down the stairs when ive told him our stairs are not a toy. He has bad table manners. but he his raised by trash 50% of the time so i know to expect that no one has really mad an effort to teach this child how to act respectable in public. However, I really dont disengage about anything when it comes to ss. Last night he was not finishing his food and was messing around at the table, so i said "ss you need to finish you dinner and stop messing around", dh immediately followed with, "do as smnikki said, and if you dont eat you will go straight to bed"........ss was not being bad otherwise, was saying please and thank you about things, he liked what i had made, it was just his first day back from bm, and sometimes hes so happy to see us he acts distracted and kind of like a busy body that wont stop talking. Thats usually how it goes though, dh always backs me up and ss ALWAYS listens to me as though I have just as much authority as dh. I take care of all things in my home. i do the laundry for all of us, i do all the cooking and cleaning, and i do all the shopping (clothes, food, etc) when dh works and im off i have ss with me (if its our day). As far as bm, dh no longer makes any decisions with out my input. he no longer answers any of bm's calls if it is not in designated times and only replies with a text message or tells her when she calls during designated time.
I see some posts where the sm is totally disengaged, does not do anything for skid really. It seems that some dh's expect it, but dont want any input from sm otherwise. It seems there are some sm's that deal with a sd who as seen as daddy little princess and dont see reality when it come to their daughter. as BBB wrote in a GREAT blog, she discussed roles, and it got me thinking about all the "different" roles we each play in our homes, as for each situation it is different.
I worry that at some point things are going to get stressed between ss and i, and he is going to pull the "your not my mom" thing and its going to change our house hold dynamic. I know im only 5 months in to being a sm (in ss's life for 2 years) and i wonder how some of you got to where you are now, and why. Dh's involvement, amount of time skid is with you, bm is crazy or sane?
my question is, what makes your relationship with skid the way it is? Is it that skid doesnt respect you because dh never backs you up and thinks skid is perfect? Is it that no matter what dh does skid still treats you like crap? Is it that dh does not see how skid REALLY is and so you resent dealing with the kid. Does skid act especially bad to ruin your relationship? ALSO, how far in to your marriage did these things start occuring? What triggered you to disengage from the skid when in your home.
I am a very controlling person when it comes to running my home, and im scared to think that at some point i might have to disengage to keep my sanity...because i dont think im a kind of person who can.
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What makes my relationship
What makes my relationship with SD the way it is is my BF walking on eggshells the first year or so of our R for fear of the reprocussions...D not wanting to be around him, BM threatening him with changing custody etc. He allowed SD to rule the roost and be rude to me, even after I told him it bothered me. Additionally, BF, BM, and family have an unhealthy focus on the child, that the world revolves around her and it just doesn't fly with me. We're not peers and I think it is unhealthy to let a child have so much control.
I resent dealing with problems (namely some emotional issues of D) I had no part in creating and have no control to solve...
are you still able to have a
are you still able to have a relationship with dh in your home? I cant imagine ss having more say in my home than me. Dh and i had talks in the beginning about what role i would have in our home with ss, and what dh would do if ss's behavior changed. Did you go along with it at first and then couldn't get bf to see what was wrong with it to go back and do things the right way?
I agree with you 100 percent on the unhealthy focus that people have on kids these days. We are currently living with my parents until their new house is ready and they move in to it on Wednesday. Our house is 2600 square feet. there are to "living room" type areas where tv can be watched......my mom walked down stairs and asked ss if she could change the channel to see a show she had tivo'ed on that tv...... I was like HELLO, hes 4! tell (not ask) him you are changing the channel, and if he wants to watch something else he can watch it in another room! who pays the freaking bill?
You seem to have gotten in
You seem to have gotten in early, and ur dh backs y
ou...which is good. I only have a problem with one of my sd's. She was spoiled to the rotting point and now we're all paying the price. I had nothing to do with creating this monster and while I have not disengaged my parenting style is so vasty different from how she was raised that Her behaviors are that I would expect from a infant/toddler and I don't know how to teach nor do i have the patience to teach a 9year old thing's she should have learned at 2. My vocabulary clashes, she doesn't grasp half the things I say. I dunno, but it seems like you have a good start.
The biggest issue and I
The biggest issue and I think this is true for alot of us is DH lack of follow through. It is absolutely useless to have rules if they are not enforced. I don't want to be a policeman in my own house and he is unwilling or unable to correct his children. That in a nut shell is my biggest problem. Even though I know it's him that I should be mad at I can't seem to help projecting it on the kids, they have no idea how I feel though
sometimes dh is bad about
sometimes dh is bad about following through...but not very often. However, when he does have these type of issues it seems its more of a male thing than a parent/step parent issue. I always try to tell my self, "is this something that he would do if it was our kid? or is this something he is allowing ss to get away with even though it bothers me?"
Sometimes I disengage merely
Sometimes I disengage merely because the child is not mine and I'm tired or don't feel like parenting schild. While we do many things as a blended family, my dh is fine with me going off to my room or to the store or whatever if I don't want to be involved or need some time for me. I don't wait until I'm mad or there is a horrible problem, just take a break when I want/need to.
I think this is a very
I think this is a very important thing. and i think im going to start implementing this. That way when i do actually need a break, it doesnt come as a shock to dh and a sign of weakness to ss.
My Skid. She is the only
My Skid. She is the only reason why I sit back, most of the time, and leave everything to H. BM is more helpful than anything at this time, SD10 continues to dig herself into a bigger hole all by herself.
i worry that dh will have a
i worry that dh will have a skewed view of our situation later on too. my ss is a very weel behaved child when he is with us, and i know at times im pretty strict with him because im more so over compensating because im afraid of what a monster he will be when he is older because of bm.
But it seems pretty common that parents dont see their children for who they really are. i worry that ss will be badly behaved and when i try to correct the behavior im considered the "evil step mother" and dh will stop backing me up because his perception of the situation is so different
I am still trying to figure
I am still trying to figure out how to disengage. It is not in my nature and so doesn't feel good to me- although getting to the point of anger and sadness that I reach without disengaging feels really terrible too.
My SS10 is fine. He is nice and interesting. He and his dad have a pretty unhealthy relationship, at times, I think (see any of my previous posts). He co-slept with his dad until last spring (he is 10!), his dad gets into bed with him every night to read with him while he falls asleep, he has not one single responsibility in this household. I do his laundry, cook his food (he is a pain in the ass eating-wise b/c he literally eats only 5 foods), drive his carpools, go to his sports games.
Sometimes my FH has told me that I "am not interested enough" in the things that his son is. Right now, as I type this, they are sitting together, snuggled up on the couch watching a movie together while I went to the grocery, unpacked stuff, washed vegetables, and am now here.
I need to figure out healthy disengagement when I need it. Any advice?
i always wonder when i read
i always wonder when i read blogs like this, how did you allow this to become your life?
did you do these types of things in the beginning and didnt think twice because you were in the lovey dovey phase and dh was trained to think thats how things were gonna go.
i dont for one second let things go down a path i dont like because i dont want dh thinking thats the way things are gonna go. If i go grocery shopping and dh is home...i call when i turn down the street to let him know that im coming and to meet me in the driveway to carry the bags in. Most times he calls me to find out where i am. if i worked and came home and made dinner...dh knows that unless he wants a pissy wife, he will help me clean up the kitchen.
SS climbed in to bed with dh one time in the middle of the night and i was crowded and didnt sleep good...i let dh know the next morning that ss would no longer be sleeping in our bed, that if ss got up, dh was to take him back in to his room. ss hasnt slept in our bed again except once when he had a high fever and i wanted to be able to roll over and check him through out the night.
I am the wife...dh falls alseep with me in our bed. if dh did the whole falling asleep with ss...even at 4, i would have said no more, or left. Thats why i worry because once we have kids, and even now that we are married, i should not have the option to just say, nope im outta here........and ive always been very balck and white about what i will and will not deal with.
Yes, this is where mine
Yes, this is where mine comes in too, and puberty doesn't help!_________________________________________________________
"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself." -
Will Rogers
So, would alot of you say
So, would alot of you say that a HUGE part is that its actually the parents responsibility for not holding then accountable and raising then the way you think is best, your dh does not follow through..etc.? However, it results in you and your relationship with skid suffering.
ie, if dh parented skid in a way that skid knew they had to behave and treat you with respect, you and skid would get along better, therefore allowing you to better love and respect your dh.
Like I said, in my situation
Like I said, in my situation it is my SD10 that is the issue on her own. I know that BM is a good mom and did her best. And my DH is a good dad and did his best (as good as he could EOW). SD10 has a strong personality, she is who she is. I have learned to let it all go and to deal with it.
My SDs BM has/did/does tell SD that she must respect and listen to me and DH. So if SD doesn't or treats us badly it is all her. I don't/can't blame BM for that (SD was 3 when I met DH).
However, my situation is rare here, well everywhere. I do say taht a parent DOES have a huge influence over the kids. Whether it be the parent committing PAS or not putting the boundries up (guilt moms or dads). It certainly does effect the marriage/relationship. And ultimately the children suffer as well, even though they may not ever realize it.
It is a circle, a circle of respect and co parenting. ALL need to be able to do this in order for all to have a happy, successfull life (marriage).
If my bf had made SD treat
If my bf had made SD treat me with respect earlier I think things would have been better now, yes. Instead, he let her act like a brat (and not spoken up enough to BM) and resentment has built, and now I can't "go there" with SD...
It's very difficult to live with a child whom you can't discipline and to disagree with your partner re parenting (and have a BM who is intrusive and interferes with what happened with our "new family").
We don't live together anymore, but I wish I had claimed my power in the beginning...it is my house and I'm the queen...I have never asked for anything except respect and for the adults to be in charge...I would have said certain things were unacceptable...in the moment...and if he didn't like it, he could leave.
Borderline BM, Borderline SD
Borderline BM, Borderline SD raging, manipulating, incessantly complaining and baiting, hating and blaming me for her own issues.