Journey, I agree with you to a certain extent...you might want to read up about stepmoms vs. stepdads...and how life as a stepdad is MUCH EASIER than as a stepmom. I'll see if I can find the article, but about a month ago I read about it and basically kids accept stepdads much better than stepmoms...I think it has to do with that whole "stepdad" came to "save" my mom from a crappy dad...(whether this is true or not, that's how the BM sees it and thus usually the kids...) vs. "stepmom" TOOK AWAY my daddy...and sometimes includes, "we would have more if stepmom hadn't taken him away, mom and dad would be together if stepmom wouldn't have taken him away, etc..." and thus the resentment from the kids towards the stepmom is usually much worse...

I know that my husband's stepdad was allowed to discipline him just as if he were his own child...his mom did NOT mind that AT ALL...Actually, my husband's ex-wife allows her husband to discipline his daughter as well...yet as soon as a WOMAN, ie. stepmom tries to do the same, all hell breaks loose...

So while I understand where you are coming from, believe me that because "society" normally sees the woman in a relationship as the "victim", including in divorces, most kids feel sorry for their moms and are happy to accept anyone who makes their mom happy vs. the other way around.

Again, not trying to say that some of us are just sick of it without reason or with reason, but you really should read up about it so that you can see that there is definitely a huge difference between what stepdads vs. stepmoms have to put up with.

Gender issues here, as in with most places in life, are huge.
Read up, step-dad! No offense intended there, just that your post seemed to not acknowledge at all the potential gender differences that exist in blending families, the role that most woman vs. men assume, etc.

Whatever . . . go judge someplace else!
_________________________________________________________
"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself." -
Will Rogers

I agree it's a gender thing. Read Stepmonster Journey. Women are held to a different standard as Stepmom's than men are as Stepdads. Part of it is our own doing, but highly ingrained culturally.

We are also not good "compartmentalizers" and find it difficult to separate parent from child.

And if things aren't running smoothly in our homes, most women beat themselves up about how to fix it, while most men in the same situation detach from feeling responsible for the emotional well being of the home.

There is an article somewhere- Crayon? You usually are good with those.

And if BB reads this maybe she can re-post an interview with the author of Stepmonster that talks about some of this stuff.

"Parental love is unconditional, relationships are reciprocal." ~Zen

Yep -- here it is:

http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com/wordpress/index.php/1525

And yes, read the book Stepmonster -- it does explain a lot about step dynamics, and why stepdads often have a much easier time of it.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

"the majority of posters here are downright contemptible of their stepkids"

Um, no, I wouldn't agree with you at all - a quick look at the front page has only 1 blog entry I can see that is directly in the vein of "I don't like my skid" - there's one about potty training, a couple about the BM, one about the DH etc.

I think it's fair to say that no-one on here set out to become a stepparent - believe me in all my dreams of my perfect man he never had an ex wife and a 10 year old! We play the hand we're dealt, and whilst our darling partners might be an ace, skids tend to be the two of clubs!

BTW - as kids learn by example as you point out, then I think you need to be aware that 'speaking your mind' like this will end up teaching them to not have many friends!

I don't hate Tortoise. Not at all.
I just think he lacks discipline and common courtesy sometimes. And I've tried everything I can to change that in him.
I love him and I want to see him grow up to be a respectable, well mannered, fully functioning member of society.
When my FH, IL's or his BW and her family enable him and turn him into a selfish, self righteous, entitled, spoiled little brat after they've indulged him one too many times, that I have a problem with.
That doesn't mean I hate him. That just means he gets on my damn nerves, and I need a place to vent about it so I don't scream at him or FH. Simple as that.

I've just had the worst night of my life and now I'm fighting with my disneyland dad ex and come on to get support and have to stumble across this steaming pile of horse poo. come on Journey, take your soapbox and go away where your superior stepfathering methods are welcome. So we're a group of whining, bitter, angry old hags then...so fucking be it. What are you doing here mingling with the mongrels then?? Are you here to teach a better way based on your vast experience as a father or stepfather? Or are you here to take an already bruised and scarred group of mostly women and make them feel even worse about their inner feelings and thoughts???
Be a dear and just step away from the computer.

Forgive me for being a bitch, I'm just sick of this self righteous bullshit splatting onto this site every few,days,weeks,months...I'm just friggin sick of it.

"i'll pray for you..."

UGH. Ya know I get on my high horse plenty and get sick of the negativity too...until I'm in crisis mode like RIGHT FUCKING NOW and see this. Take a hike journey, the group will be here when you're in crisis mode someday too.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

Sounds like an enabler to me....but then again, most of the male folk that come here have that option. It's typically a win/win for them....the kid doesn't have to look within, and he doesn't have to 'deal' with any of the abuse. I think when the person getting dumped on reacts, the emotions are ugly....and we mostly come here to get support. I think it's pretty obvious that you don't need this place. Congratulations?

Yeah, it's great for the stepkid and great for the stepdad, but it certainly doesn't give stepdad a reason to gloat about his piousness...LOL

Cruella,

You have a very healthy view of your situation. Thank you, that was what I needed to hear on Friday when I was texting about a new perspective. I am very sorry that your family has ignored your needs through your illness. I would be very bitter and heartbroken if my family did that to me.

Hmmmmm....before u go Journey.....I have a question......let me preface this by saying I am one of the posters here who IS NOT generally contemptible toward my Skids....but let me ask u,,,does yur wife downplay yur role as a father figure in yur home?.....does yur wife tell u that u are allowed to go to work to support and feed this child but u are not permitted to discipline him?....just curious...because alot of the women who do vent here are treated this way by their husbands....so, IMO, before u make a blanket statement regarding the posters here, I would think u would at the very least be interested in their situations.....

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

So true about SMs being held to a different standard and expectation than SDs. My SDs BM is remarried. He talks to SD MAYBE 5 times per year (BM lives in another country and SD is with us full time). He comes out here on business for work several times a year (without BM) and makes no effort to see or talk to SD (in spite of the fact that he was 2 hours away from us spending Thanksgiving with the BMs family, he still didn't bother to contact SD). If I did that not only would SD be devastated but everyone else would be surprised at my lack of involvement. But he's held to a completely different standard.

Her stepfather is never expected to attend her sporting events and dance recitals (and never has not a single one in 5 years even when they still lived in this country). Her stepfather isn't expected to attend parent teacher conferences, drive on school field trips and arrange doctor and dentist appointments, but as SM I am expected to and would be questioned if I didn't. I do love her and I do willingly and lovingly do these things for and with her but I certainly notice the difference in what her BM's husband is expected to do in her life and what I am expected to do in her life.

Journey you really stumbled into a hornets nest. Please understand that posts that make blanket generalities about us as a group will send off this type of firestorm. If you wrote about your own story more in your post, and referred your concerns about Steps in general finding it difficult to deal with their stepkids, I believe those two things would have helped you not feel jumped on.

This happens in waves here, and it's always a newer member, coming on and catching a blog or two where someone is in a lot of pain and frustration about their SKIDS, or DH's or DW's, and the new member makes an assumption on that blog or a few others they scan.

When in reality, if you go back I've written thousands of words here. Two years of history. One week I'm singing SD's praises, and ours as we make a huge break through, the next 2 weeks she's raging at me that I am the devil incarnate and I lose my happy place when posting.

If you didn't go back all two years (and BELIEVE me even if you wanted to, you wouldn't have the time to read it all) you would see a major ebb and flow, progression and regression into epiphany induced evolution. But catch me on the regression weeks and you would not want to say hello to me the wrong way on the sidewalk.

We have testosterone on here. And I will tell you, that those men on here who stay and become our mancode experts, have found out the hard way how to walk among the estrogen blessed among us. You can too. But you have to earn the right to call it as you see it.