I do have bio children, however I know this question wasn't for me, but I am curious to see the difference in the two. For me, I think having bio children helps me understand certain situations with the skids/BF.

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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

I don't, and I won't. Kinda similar situation as Katrinkie -- my DH had had a vasectomy, and we did talk about reversing it, but decided against it.

BB

"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin

I've often thought about this very thing BrightSide. If I hadn't already had perfectson, I seriously doubt I would have taken on DH and his 3 kids. I would guess that it is MUCH harder for SMs who don't have biochildren, simply because they don't have anything to relate their skids to. They can't relate a motherly bond in their mind, because they haven't had that with a biochild. I can kind of judge my skids off of how perfectson is KWIM? But without him I wouldn't have any idea and OMG that would be so difficult!

Thank you for posting this blog! You are so right, SM's without bio kids DO have our own set of issues that no one else can understand. I am 35 years old, never wanted to marry or have children...then I met DH. (Still didn't want kids, but he had to daughters and I thought that I was so in love that I could handle it...WRONG!!) DH had a vasectomy when he was still very young, so we are not having any bio kids of our own.

Let me just tell you, I am so NOT a kid person if the kid is over like 9 years old. I hate them, their bad attitudes and "all about me" bullsh*t. So, that being said, I have one SD that is 12 and one that is 15. Girls are the WORST! They are so jealous of me (BM's craziness certainly doesn't help because she is jealous, too.) They want to be the "wives" and since we only met and married last year very quickly, the sh*t hit the fan in ways no one could imagine. DH and BM divorced 6 years ago, so we thought they would be okay with him moving on, but he had kept them believing that they were all still a "family" so it was disaster. DH had had a few long term relationships before me and BM and the kids always flipped out, but never as severely as they did when he actually got married to me. The kids told us that they were still hoping that they would get back together (they do not know BM is a lesbian) and they kept asking us, "what's wrong with mom? Why can you get back together with her?" Right in front of me, Dad's new fiance. They are such pains in the ass...ugh.

Anyway, regardless of all the hell the kids and ex have put us through for the past year and a half since we met, I do feel that we step-moms with NO bio kids have a whole different view on the step-kid thing. It's just not in my comfort zone to be a "mom" type and especially to kids that are not mine, almost grown that I barely know...and that treat me like shit. I struggle with it daily...I hate going to their sports crap, hate anything to do with "kid" stuff...mainly because I know that they really don't like me and talk bad about me to people...just like BM does. Then I show up to places and get the look of death from all the people that they have all bad-mouthed me to. Ugh...I am so miserable. Every other weekend is like HELL for me. I have to be uncomfortable in my own home because of these two spawns that are required to be over at my house. They disrespect me, trash the house and act out the whole time they are here...just to piss me off. I hate it.

I do have the "mothering" gene in me, for my dog, my husband, etc. And I am sure I would adore my own bio-kid. I just haven't been given the chance to me a bio-mom. Maybe I could relate better if I had my own kid, but I still hate the ages that these SD's are at. It's the hardest time to come into a step-kids life...when they are a teenager. UGH!!!!!!!!

Anyway, thanks for acknowledging this fact.

Love

**Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!**

Wow! Until today I thought I was alone. My husband also had a vasectomy,I have no bio children and also never wanted them. This is the most stressing thing I have ever had to deal with. I too am unable to get close to my SD. I get an "icky" feeling when I get near her. I think I have only hugged her a handful of times because I can't bring myself to.
Thank you so much for posting this blog!

I don't have my own bio children. I'm only 25 so I have no idea yet if I want any. My husband has 3 kids from his prior marriage and they're all teenagers...and I'm not sure I wanna go through the teenager years again if I dont have to.

I do love my SD's and SS like my own but I find myself getting very frustrated very quickly because I have no idea what I'm doing and my they tend to get on my nerves quickly. (although, I've gotten much better at handeling myself and not getting angry as quickly as I use to).

I'm starting to think I may not be cut out for motherhood...or maybe it's just the fact that there's only a few years difference between me and the kids.

My mom always told me, "someday you'll have a kid just like you"...and now I have 3. SORRY MOM!!

I do NOT have any biokids. When I was a kid, all of my friends would play house. They would have husbands and kids and I would be the one who played single and had a career. I don't dislike kids, I was a GS leader and before I left the church, I was a Sunday school teacher for many years.

But I've known since I was very young, motherhood would not be for me. I watched friends in HS get pregnant on purposed, not understanding the responsiblity they were taking on. A few years later you'd see these same "girls" hanging out in bars because they "missed out on all the fun". My mother had my sister to save her marriage (it didn't), and that same sister made the same mistake to save her marriage (that didn't work for her either).

When I met DH I nearly ended the relationship when it got serious because he had a kid. She was cute when I first met her, but I could see the damage the tug-of-war parenting had on her. She was cute and smart...but she's also very mouthy, disrespectful, a slob and has disgusting personal habits. Did I want to be a SM to this child?? Not really, and I did understand she didn't want or need another mom in her life either. So I thought maybe I could be a positive female role model to her. My mistake.

I love my husband and decided to marry him because at the time, step-demon didn't live with us. She lived with UberSkank. We saw her EOW, alternate holidays and 6 weeks in the summer. I could have lived with that....then everything changed when UberSkank remarried her third husband.

Included in the prior custody judgment, was a clause concerning Uber's 3rd husband. It stated that he could not be within 100 yards of step-demon or middle-sister. And he could not be in any residence, at any time with these two girls. Somehow Uber was able to justify remarrying this man, even though he was not allowed within a football field's length of two of her children.

My DH and middle-sister's biodad received custody of these two girls as a result. My mouth dropped open when the judge gave us her decision. I honestly thought there was no way in hell she would separate 3 sisters, especially the younger two since they are only about 18 months apart.

So there I was, I worked full time and have huge responsibilities in my position and now I was thrown into a new marriage with a nearly teenage child in my life. I had been single for over 15 years prior to marrying my DH and now I had a house full of baggage I wasn't expecting to store. I was completely unprepared to be a full-time SM and I could not believe the series of events that led to her living with us. I also was never asked if I minded her living with us, my DH just assumed it was okay with me.

If I knew then, what I know now I wouldn't have married DH two years ago. I think I would have continued dating him until after his kid graduated from HS and his responsibilities to UberSkank ended (if step-demon goes to college he would pay CS directly to her and not to Uber, at least finally the CS would fully go to step-demon's benefit). Maybe then I would have married him....maybe not. I've lived through two horrible years with this kid and the bad moments completely out-weigh the good ones. At first I felt sorry for her and her situation. My worst moment was when she discovered my sympathy and used it against me.

She now lives back with Uber. Uber told the judge at the last hearing that I was unfit to mother her daughter because I had no children of my own. I guess in her mind letting three kids fall out of her enormous pudenda qualifies her for Mother of the Year.

I thought being a good step-mom had to do with caring for their needs, teaching them healthy habits, helping them develope confidence in themselves, guiding them to adulthood and hoping this will make them caring, productive people.

I guess I was wrong. I'm 42 and I have never planned on nor will I ever have children.

“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.”
Michael Caine

Don't have bio kids, may in the future, we'll see.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

ahh, I wish it was me & him vs the kids!! My skids will go off and do something crazy and I'll try to punish them and Dh comes back and tells me I jump to the extreme and I'm to harsh. It's like...they can get away with it with me but they'll do the same thing when I'm not around and he'll punish them almost the same way I tried too!!
The only time it is me and him aganist the kids is if I'm disrespected verbally. Then he'll put his foot down and back me up.
But if i try to confront them about anything else, he usually takes the kids sides leaving me to look like an ass.
In fact, he says that's his worry about us having our own children. He thinks I'll change how I treat the skids and favor my child. Which is mostly bullshit but obviously i'll have the natural motherly instinct for my own child. But it wont change how I feel about my skids. I'll still be there. Maybe once he realizes I'm not going to betray him and the kids i'll have a little more support. I feel like if he wants me to love and treat the skids as my own...then he needs to let me punish them as I would my own. Don't ask me to give my all if you only want 50%

We have had conversations and it seems like we come to an agreement and then he always back tracks to what he was doing before. I don't know if the fact that he raised these kids on his own for so long has anything to do with it. It probably does. I understand he wants to protect his kids, but I want to protect them too.
I texted him the other day because my SS was in one of his many, "I hate you and the whole world is out to get me moods" and his reply was, 'well, what do you want me to do about it from here. Just fix it"
But I know if I try to my SS will just call DH and then I'll get a call along the lines of, "why can't you just get along without me". what he doesn't get is...I TRY!!!

but he's TDY on active duty oreders for the entire month of Dec. And he may have to stay where he's at for the month of Jan if his Squadron needs him. So, it's just me and the kids at the house alone. And it's not like he can say "no, I can't go"...we're both military. "I cant go" isn't really an option. So, he has no choice but to leave the kids with me.

Mind you, this is more SS than SD11. She has her moments, but SS usually is the one giving me a hard time when DH is long gone.

Tell me about it. I just dont know how to get it through SS's head. His phone is all he cares about and I've already taken that away. I've even TALKED to BM and she's even in agreement that he should lose his phone until he has an attitude adjustment. Although I'm sure she's only in agreement because she's not here to deal with the result of doing so.

I thought boot camp was bad...

I have bio kids and I think it must be much easier when you do. If I had no kids I would feel like I am giving up so much for HIS kids. Since I have one too it kind of puts a reign on the resentment since they all act up from time to time. I applaud all of you for being so selfless to marry a man with kids. I don't think I could do that if I didn't bring one in with me.

I don't have any bio kids... yet. I very much want to have them and BF would like to also. I hope it can work out for us.