Where to go from here??
I have 3 adult stepchildren in their 30s. Things have not been easy, but my relationship with 2 of them is at least civil. The third has been visiting from out of town with her husband and child for 3 weeks. She did not stay with us because I told her she had to show basic respect in our home. (She told me her relationship was with her father not with me, so that was that.)
When she arrived, I through her father (since she doesn't speak to me) invited her for dinner. She said she would let us know. I set a place at the table but she never called and never showed up. Then she saw her father several times alone and then with her husband. Then she asked him to take the family ("minus" me) out for dinner. DH said don't be ridulous, she is my wife and she is coming.
Well I went, largely to make a point and stand my ground. I was friendly and gracious and to my incredible suprise, the other "adult" children and their partners were absolutely lovely to me. In fact, they were more loving and welcoming than ever before. In that sense the problem one did me a favour. Even her husband was polite. Her behaviour was outrageous. She refused to speak to me, turned her back and at the age of 37 acted like a 2 year old. I actually think the others were embarrassed.
So where do we go from here? How does DH maintain a relationship with his daughter and grandchild when I am totally excluded? Should he go to visit alone or does that just reward and reinforce the conduct?
thx
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Has she given any reasons
Has she given any reasons for her behavior?
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“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."
We have tried to address her
We have tried to address her long-standing rudeness to me. It only makes her more hostile. In my opinion she remains angry because, when her father and I married, over 5 years ago, she got knocked off the pedestal of being the only woman in her dad's life. (In her mind, anyway.) Her younger sister never was like that. Her mother and father separated a very long time ago and she fancied herself the woman in his life. That is all I can think of. I have never had words with her or treated her with anything but respect and dignity. She has been rude to me from day one.
lstewart, you may have
lstewart, you may have noticed on this wonderful site that there are a lot of us out there . . . Skids that are old enough to just let it go already! You can find my problem with my two step-daughters, ages 31 and 38 under 12/01 "Aged Stepmom Looking for Support". My DH is/has been an executive with lots of power and control at the same job for 35 years. He left his ex-wife and daughters after ten yrs of marriage to get promoted and move out of state. He met me and my son (now 33), and we married and moved with him of course. But his ex and his two daughters have made our lives hell for 28 years now. Ten years ago the youngest decided to marry and didn't want us at the wedding so she and her sister got adopted by their stepdad and wrote us off. Now in his mid-life crisis at age 56, my DH has decided to try to "reconnect" and it's not going well. But he's pulling out every little thing (basically only two things that weren't SO horrible) that I ever did/said to the girls and is blaming me for their not speaking to him! We are on the fringe of divorce . . . he did have a brief meeting with the oldest at her home and he said (I wasn't allowed to go with) that "a lot of things got said that should have been said" but "it will never happen again", meaning they still want nothing to do with him; the youngest WILL NOT speak. The girls' are mean and vindictive and continue the emotional blackmail on their father that their mother started years ago -- but suddently I'm the target. I think we are easy scapegoats. Someone on this site called me a "doormat" for his family and I think I really am. I wish I could afford counseling; he wouldn't go but I would. We'll see how it goes. He is also in jeopardy of losing his good job and if that happens he's going to be old, unemployed and very ALONE if he also divorces me. But now, all I can do is wish you luck. I cannot believe that children can come into a relationship years later and cause this much grief and hardship. Why don't they just go on with their own lives??? (These girls both have kids of their own now). Good luck to you, hang in there.
Good advice,"evil stepmom"
Good advice,"evil stepmom" (I don't believe it!). I'm having a problem wherein, when the SD's decided to disown their dad (my DH) ten years ago, I quit making the trip (5 hours northern Wisconsin) back home with him to visit his elderly mom and sisters. I quit going because they never made me feel welcome or part of the family; as I said, I've always been a doormat, and when my son visited, they treated him even worse. They just wouldn't accept me as #2 and NOT the mother to their granddaughters/neices. Now that my DH has threatened me with divorce I said I would do anything and if he really wanted to respect me as his wife in front of his family, I would be happy to go to visit. Well, he has turned it all on me, saying, "No, you never wanted to go before, you are NOT going now". I fear that he will go up there and celebrate the holidays without me. I am terribly saddened by this, I feel "ganged up on". He did go up without me in October and met with his elderly mom and oldest sister and talked about ME and everything they didn't like about ME. They all basically, shifted the blame for the SD's not speaking to him onto me -- as I said, I've been a convenient scapegoat. Is there any hope to get over this hurdle??? Will he ever let me into his family again???? I feel for you, Lstewart