Adult SD issues prompt therapy
As many of you know I've posted about my adult step daughter issues recently (in forums under adult stepchild issues; "entitled SD" and "How do I detach".
So, I've decided to go to a therapist to get all this off my chest but I haven't told H about it yet. I want to but here's one example why I haven't (his defensiveness). This is from this morning:
Just got off the phone with DH and I feel like crying. I told him that we needed to talk about 'us' and his tone immediately changed to one with anger in his voice. "Talk about what!?" he said.
I said "Can't you feel the tension between us?"
H said "I feel tension from YOU, yeah."
Me: "I feel like you are being very secretive about things and that we never sit down and talk about us and how we are feeling about things."
H: "Well what do you mean?!" (very defensive tone)
Me: "Exactly what I said...that we need to T-A-L-K to each other."
H: "Well it's Christmas and it is a time to be secretive."
Me: *sigh of frustration* "Fine. I will see you later."
H: "Okay...bye." (said in an unpleasant manner)
Now keep in mind H and I work opposite shifts, me days, him nights, so our time together is limited. Rarely do we have a day off together. It makes communication really difficult. So when I bring up that I want to talk to him about how I'm feeling and to try and find out what is going on with him, he jumps to conclusions and gets defensive and deflects.
Gawd...I'm so frustrated. I can't talk to him when he gets like this, but I desperately need to. Why is he so resistent to communicating with me?
Honestly, this has all come to a head because of his adult SD manipulating him and him enabling it. We've never really had this kind of strife between us before.
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Oh and as I mentioned in a
Oh and as I mentioned in a recent post under "How do I detach" (which I'm clearly not doing very well, lol), the fact that his D hasn't even had the courtesy to send her father a thank you card has me even more pissed off than I was before. What an ungrateful, self-centered brat! :jawdrop: She doesn't even care that this left H basically broke until he gets paid this week! Oh, and never mind that she hasn't sent a thank you card to the two Aunts that she had the nerve to ask to cook for her reception! (See my story in the forums under adult step children) :o:-o:
I swear folks...I hope this therapist can help because I am really beside myself at this point.
Wishes, how old is your SD?
Wishes, how old is your SD? I'm the 53 yr old SM with a 56 yr old DH going thru a mid-life crisis. If you read under "Aged Stepmom Looking For Support", that's me. Basically my SDs, ages 31 and 38 were adopted by their stepdad ten years ago to further sever all ties to their bio-dad, my DH. Now in mid-life he is regretting his lack of communication with his daughters (who are grown now with families of their own) and he says he fell out of love with me five years ago and just "never communicated". He says now he wants a divorce and will still try to reach out to his ungrateful kids, but what about me? I regret that I did not FORCE him to talk to me all those years. Now in mid-life he is throwing this in my face . . . get your DH to TALK no matter what you have to do . . . you may regret it later as I do! Hang in there! P.S. I wish my DH would go to therapy . . I still love him!
Lonely - She is 24 with two
Lonely - She is 24 with two kids under 6. And I will never look at her the same way again. She used to be a good kid for the most part. But now she's a selfish, entitled, ungrateful young woman.
I don't think in my case that my H is falling out of love with me. I think as some others have mentioned, that he just doesn't want to confront anything and own up to stuff that needs to be addressed.
Last night when I saw him briefly before he left for work he was so defensive about what I wanted to talk about. He was grumpy and he actually said this to me (verbatim):
"Why can't we just talk about current events?"
I just looked at him as if he were nuts. I think that statement [above] pretty much says it all.
Wishes, thanks for that
Wishes, thanks for that info. My oldest SD is 38 with two kids, 12 and 14; youngest SD is 31 with a 2 yr old and a new boy, age 2 mos. BOTH these girls have been as you say, "selfish, entitled, ungrateful, and continue to emotional abuse their bio-dad. They opted to be adopted by their step-dad nine yrs ago to completely remove bio-dad (my DH) from their lives. This is vindictive and just plain malicious--I feel they are old enough to know better, but I also know that their bio-mom not only suggested it, but fueled it to this end . . . she (bio-mom/ex) finally got what she really wanted, COMPLETE REVENGE in her eyes! Now I'm stuck with this DH who again, as you put so eloquently, doesn't want to confront the facts -- his daughters will NEVER let him back in . . . by wanting to divorce me he is throwing away 28 yrs of a great life and wonderful future. Get your DH to talk . . . again, I SO REGRET not forcing my DH to communicate all those years. I feel that his unsettled issues and "guilty daddy" syndrome in mid-life will be the death of our marriage. Sad. Hang in there!
Yes!!!
Go to a therapist. I'm headed to one for very similar reasons. It hurts me, to the core, that so many of us find a man that we love so much, but comes with "baggage" that threaten the happiness and security of our marriages. But what else can we do, but try to change the situation and, if that fails, try to change ourselves.
Wow, working opposite shifts
Wow, working opposite shifts along with the
SD issue. That is tough. (My XH worked swing shifts, and it was very difficult to get together with him, especially when he was on night shift!!)
W, it doesn't seem as if you're gonna get too far with H because I don't think HE THINKS that anything is "wrong"!! He's been doing this forever, you ARE STILL THERE, after all, so if he makes you think it is YOU with the problem, he can continue to
bury his head in the sand.
Go see the therapist!! He doesn't have to know. Think of it as an early Christmas gift from YOU to YOU. You're not "hiding" anything, you need to talk about this with a neutral party.
And, that IS the "kick in the pants" we all feel....the SKIDS talk to them like crap, use them, etc., while WE are kind, understanding, loyal and WE get treated like crap. It's not good for the self-esteem!!
That's why you need to worry about YOU. I think you'll see how they BOTH come along when WISHES starts worrying more about WISHES as less about "them".
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
Kitty, you are so right in
Kitty, you are so right in all that you wrote!
And yes, that is what I'm finally doing...worrying about me. Sadly though, I'm basically made to feel guilty about it (which is why I'm going to the therapist to sort all this sh*t out once and for all).
P.S. See what I replied to "Lonely" above about what H said to me last night. If it weren't so telling, it would be funny. lol
Kitty, you are so right . .
Kitty, you are so right . . . I've learned so much from you and others on this site -- I'm sure a lot of you have read "The Secret". In the Relationships chapter it says just what you say, that if you don't love or like yourself, no one else can either. I'm trying to regroup thru my turmoil with my DH and Skids, and I plant to honor myself and nurture MY self-esteem from this point forward! Thanks for the excellent message!
Vick - Yes I've said the
Vick - Yes I've said the same thing many times, that working opposite shifts is the only reason we haven't strangled each other. lol!
Yes, I am going to go see her Tuesday and get some outside prespective on all of this (beyond you folks here of course).
Wishes ... your story sounds
Wishes ... your story sounds almost identical to mine. Other than add in one more entitled brat to the mix. I am the lottery winner of a SD25 and SS28, been married 17 years with DH 20 years. DH refuses counseling. He asks what do I want to hear in counseling and I ask what don't you want to hear? Seeing your post makes me realize I should just go for myself. It is time before I drown.