Aged Stepmom Looking for Support
Good day, I'm new to this site. I'm a 53 yr.old stepmom fighting to save my marriage of 22 yrs to my 56 yr.old husband. ALL our fights and threats to file for divorce come when we try to discuss his two daughters, ages 31 and 38, both married with two kids each of their own. Their mother (ex-wife) has NEVER made it easy for us to have a relationship, and now my husband, in the depths of mid-life crisis, wants to try to "reconnect" with his daughters .... they decided to be "adopted" by their stepdad legally seven years ago and haven't spoken to him since. The oldest finally agreed to a meeting with him and they met for two hours and nothing was resolved. My husband had told me before this meeting on Labor Day that he doesn't love me any more and wants out. I feel it's because of his mid-life turmoil, and also his daughters' denial of him as a man/father. Is there anyone out there who can help me? Right now we've agreed to take it day by day, but every time we fight or discuss his family, he threatens me with divorce. I feel that if he doesn't love me any more fine, but I don't want to get a divorce over those daughters. He can't change their universe . . . he can only handle his own. Thank you for listening and welcoming me . . . I need your valuable support.
- lonelyone's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Why do the two of you fight
Why do the two of you fight about the kids?
Have you guys tried counseling?
___________________________________________________________________________
“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."
Ohmigod, what a great
Ohmigod, what a great question. Now I realize, I don't really know. He's always kept me at arm's length when it came to the ex-wife and two kids. I've always known that at that time (the minor years paying buco bucks in child support) I was fourth, actually fifth, behind his elderly mother, in line, but I lived for the day when it would be just me and him. I also was busy with my career and raising my own son while receiving no child support. Along the way, I had to "step up" and be a "good" stepmom. I bought the gifts, the groceries, entertained them, etc., but sometimes I complained when the ex-wife pulled the usual stunts with visitation, etc. that everyone puts up with. But it's always been about his kids and his family -- we NEVER fight about my family (who in all fairness, live out of state). His ex was always making demands and maybe I made a couple bad moves to get back at her, but does that warrant throwing away a lifetime of caring and trying to do better? He will not agree to counseling. Actually, it dawned on me this morn while we were fighting again about the girls (he relayed a story to our dear friends about something I withheld from the girls in 1990, $25 Xmas gift in a card when we had already shipped them over $300 in stuff -- I know, but I had to make the decision and let him know he couldn't continue to buy their love) that the only time he threatens divorce is when we fight about those kids. I don't get it.
What exactly is the context
What exactly is the context of the fights? How do they initiate?
The reason I ask this is because there have been many times where I was in the midst of a fight with BF about step related issues and I wasn't even exactly sure WHY I was bothered by what I was bothered by, I just knew I was. Going into it that way only creates fights that could have been prevented. The most important thing I have discovered, which is still a work in progress, is to reflect to yourself privately what the situation is, figure out why it really bothers you if there is some other underlying reason, sleep on it, then if it STILL bothers you the next morning, discuss it. Also, it allows a cooling off period so that instead of it being a fight, it can be communicated effectively.
I'm not saying this is the case with you, or that you aren't justified in feeling the way you do, because regardless if it's something that others feel you shouldn't be angry/hurt about, your feelings aren't *wrong*, they can be reflected upon and expressed differently but they aren't wrong.
___________________________________________________________________________
“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."
Middlemom, thanks for the
Middlemom, thanks for the questions, they make me think deeply. Each and every one of our fights is ALWAYS about his family (elderly mom and two sisters and their families) and his daughters, ages 31 and 38. NEVER about my ex, my wonderful son (age 33 and lives out of state), or my family. My mother died unexpectedly back in Jan. 09 and we went back home to Nebraska twice for the first time in eight years. And the only reason we went back then was because my beloved aunt and uncle died within six months of one another. Basically, I am also a child of divorce, an ex-wife, a mom and a step-mom. I wasn't close to my mother; my dad died at age 56 of cancer and I was terribly close to him. My point is, the only time we have been fighting and he threatens to call the lawyer is over his daughters and their disowning HIM. It seems like DH is using two incidents that happened between me and his kids twenty years ago against me. I am not proud of the nasty letter I sent the oldest, who was 16 at the time and made me furious; and I did make a decision to withhold Xmas cash from them ($25 he put in each card) since we had already shipped them each $300 in gifts from Florida. I felt they had ENOUGH and I was sick of DH trying to buy their love. It didn't work anyway after he continued trying!!!! He throws this incidents in my face and doesn't tell the WHOLE story to his family and friends (I know this because it has gotten back to me that I NEVER SENT THEM ANY XMAS presents)! This is ludicrous! This past Monday morn I did think about it over night and I confronted him with it early that morn before he left for work. I told him it was ONLY THE CASH that didn't get sent -- get the story straight. Again, he blew sky high and said "Who's going to file, me or you" and "I'm calling our friends, our friendship with them is OVER". Well, I talked him down and he agreed to let me live here til spring since we couldn't sell in this market in the dead of winter in Wisconsin anyway! We also fought Sunday morn when I caught him outside using his cell phone to leave yet another failed attempt at a message to his oldest . . . I am hurt that he has to sneak around and won't let me "in" on anything regarding his family. But it's always been this way, so I guess i can't say 28 yrs later, I'm not surprised by it. I think in his sickness (because he is so guilty he IS sick) he thinks that if they will take him back without me, he'll do it. He is not only sick, he is delusional. These girls are NEVER going to let him back in so to speak. And I'm the one paying for it all these years later. I'm hanging in there -- trying to go on with my own life and this site has helped me tremendously! Thank you!
Well it sounds like he is
Well it sounds like he is having some kind of crisis, the only thing is I suggest is that you be supportive. Let the cards fall where they may, with his daughters. Support his reconnection with them and leave the past in the past.
It sounds like they are close to their stepfather, and if your DH comes back in their lives Im sure it will just be as a friend. He cannot make up for all those lost years. These daughters are women and can make their own decision. Im sure they see things very clearly regarding their father.
Support him, and take it slow. Once this issue with the daughters resolves itself, and he still wants out. I suggest maybe you can try counseling to help him sort his feelings.
Thank you for replying . . .
Thank you for replying . . . it's ALWAYS been about HIS kids and the ex-wife. It's always been "His against Mine" . . . he throws things up in my face that happened 20 yrs ago (I shipped $300 worth of Xmas presents to them, but when he wanted to send them each $25 in cash, I pulled the envelopes and hid them, he found them, and is holding it over my head). He keeps trying to "buy" their love. They are older now and say "he was never there". Oh, and I also wrote a letter to the oldest (again 17 yrs ago) and told her she is a "spoiled brat" that "can't be trusted" and to "think for herself". I made two mistakes but should that rule out 28 yrs of life together??? I think they wanted this to happen, they will never let him be happy. He WILL NOT go to counseling or see a minister or anyone. He says he just doesn't love me any more . . . always about HIM and HIS FAMILY. We've NEVER fought about or over my son or MY family. Any advice?
Hi lonely!! I'm going to
Hi lonely!!
I'm going to take a stab at this, and I'm probably going to fumble what I'm trying to say so bear with me. My brother was a heathen when he was younger. Terrible kid..........hated my mom. And for nothing, mom was a great mom! But he felt like she was keeping him from our father, truth be told our father wanted nothing to do with any of us. My brother couldn't admit that until about four years ago. He's 34 now. But our father also committed suicide when I was 15, brother was 19. That nearly killed my brother. Me, as shitty as it sounds, not so much. I didn't know him. I felt like everyone expected me to grieve a stranger. My dad was my step dad, he was always there as long as I can remember and raised me. Not my "dad". My brother didn't see it that way. He's held resentment against my mother for years and years.
A few years back, when he was 28 he finally reached out to my mom again. He wanted to "know" her again. My mom would have walked on hot coals, cut her arm off, anything she needed to do to get back into his life. If she felt for a second that my step dad was standing her way she would have cut him out of the whole picture. Of course, it's all backfired and my brother isn't in her life anymore..........so it was all for not. And that may be what happens with your husband and SD's. Who knows.
But I can understand how he would feel that this is his last chance to have a relationship with his children. I can also understand how that is huge to him, and anything that stands in his way has to go! Now, I'm not saying that you are standing in his way, I'm sure that you are nothing but supportive.
BUT......it seems as though he feels that you are.
Do you think that's true?
Thanks for your story, I'm
Thanks for your story, I'm sorry it didn't turn out for your mother. You are correct in saying that this is huge to my husband and I feel that he has "been setting the stage" of sorts -- and I even confronted him saying that he is "waiting" to see if they will take him back "without me" and if so, he'll divorce me, but if not (they never want to talk to him again) he will not divorce me. He denies it. He says this is one of MANY things wrong in our marriage; remember, he just threw this at me suddently on Labor Day saying he doesn't love me any more and wants out. I was/am in total shock. I have been very supportive -- I even e-mailed his oldest and asked her to please contact him when he didn't have the guts to do it himself. I just wanted this to be resolved once and for all. The bio-mom has a LOT to do with this. I think the youngest daughter, age 31, will never let him back in, and if the oldest does, it will be VERY tentative and only on e-mail or voice mail. So far, NOTHING is happening, but he is a mad, very mad old man -- the world has done him wrong . . . is there anything I can do to save this?
SOunds to me like a
SOunds to me like a combination of mid life crisis and unresolved feelings his kids. There is so much guilt with dads and their kids. I finally made an ultimatim with my DH last year after SS28 and his girlfriend decided to have a kids they can't afford or take care of. I told DH to go to counseling or lose me. He went and it has been helpful to him to understand why he always feels sorry for the kids that were a product of his two failed marriages to dysfunctional women. He realizes that the kids are a product of their enviroment/their moms.
I doubt if your husband does not love you. He is trying to get back the relationship he does not have with his kids.He won't gain a thing from divorcing you for them, except being all alone as he ages.If he won't go to counseling with you then go without him and figure out what to do and where your life might lead you if he chooses those kids over you. He is chasing a dream. Take care.
I like your line "kids are a
I like your line "kids are a product of their environment", especially in the tiny town they live in, and the bio-mom has orchestrated this ENTIRE thing, I have been telling him they are a different generation who sees life and our history as non-fundamental in their lives. They somehow think life and feelings are "expendable" and nothing matters. They are truly victims. I appreciate your counseling idea, but he won't go . . . but I'm not giving up until I really do believe he doesn't love me -- I think he does but is a proud man and doesn't know how to "fix" this broken part of him. Thanks!
Boy, you hit the nail on the
Boy, you hit the nail on the head! I've been so worried about what he will do if they DON'T reconnect (which right now, they claim they will not), I have forgotten to think of myself if the DO. Thanks for that wake-up call!
Why did his children choose
Why did his children choose to be adopted by their stepfather so late in life and why did your husband let them?
We have had nothing but
We have had nothing but problems with the ex-wife and these two kids for the 28 yrs we've been together. My son and I have ALWAYS played second fiddle. He has even gone to visit his 82-yr old mom and two sisters and discussed me with them, what I did and didn't do and what a lousy person I am. The girls NEVER accepted me because my husband was never man enough to acknowledge me in his life. I tell him he didn't honor me or support me as his wife, so why should those kids EVER respect me? Now he's going thru mid-life and all this is coming out. His youngest age 31 was getting married and she didn't want him to walk her down the isle or be at the wedding, so her stepdad's cousin-lawyer (who took him to court every other day thru the years for child support, etc.) came up with the adoption idea so they could cut all ties and people in the small town wouldn't question her decisions. We were not invited to the wedding and he didn't fight them on the adoption because like everything else all these years, he simply did not have the guts. Now I'm paying for it. I'm willing to be a family unit, including these "women". But he seems to think they are still little kids and he can make it all better. Now I'm reeling from the fact that he's discussed me with his family, and how can I ever face them again???? This is tough.
This is not a stepkid
This is not a stepkid problem lonely. This is a marital problem. You guys seriously need to get some counseling and try to mend the marriage. He needs to respect you as his wife.
I don't know all of the details, and clearly none of us could. Only you know what precipated your treatment of this children when they were younger. I don't know if that is a catalyst for his thoughts about you now as it appears that neither of you ever worked on the core problem from the beginning.
If you want to save your marriage, try counseling. I'm not sure if it is a viable choice after all this time or not. He may not be willing to work on it anymore. Ask him and go from there.
Totalybogus, you are right,
Totalybogus, you are right, the lightbulb just went off for me. He tells me when I ask him "why now", that it's all his fault for failing to communicate twenty years ago. He says he blames himself for letting our relationship go, but then turns around and disses me. In all those years, I treated his kids as my own, only stepping in when I felt it was best for all of us, not just me. We all do it. We make decisions about ALL our kids, that's being part of a blended family. He NEVER had regular visitation rights, nor did he want them. We moved from state to state with his job and he only saw and visited the girls when/if he could. When he asked his oldest why she disowned him she said "because you were never there". At one point we lived in Florida and he saw them only twice in four years! He saw them as "holding him back". He told me when we met he divorced his ex because "she wouldn't move" and he had to move in order to get promoted. He now feels the guilt over that decision, seeing it as being selfish on his part. Again, communication is key. I'm trying to communicate all this now, bring it out in the open so we can move forward in our own lives, not just as a couple, but also as individuals. His kids and ex-wife have been bent on revenge for always, and they are still doing it to him. He refuses counseling. But thanks for making me see the light!
It sounds to me like your
It sounds to me like your husband would greatly benefit from going to a counselor by himself to talk things out with a neutral party. I don't know if he'd be open to that -- it sounds like he's thrashing around desperately trying to find the thing that will "make it all right" in his life. Unfortunately, he's trying to cut one tie (your marriage) in the hope that he will magically have a restored, perfect relationship with his daughters, -- which is very unlikely to happen. Fast forward a few years, and he'll be a divorced man who still barely has any contact with his daughters.
He may not be able to hear something like that from you. Perhaps there's someone in his family or one of his friends that you could talk to, and ask them to talk to him about getting some counseling.
BB
"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin
.... if only he would go to
.... if only he would go to counseling. And I've laid out this very scenario to him, that he's going to end up a lonely old man. He is sick. I try to hate the sickness, not the man. So far he did meet with his oldest for a couple hours and according to him, they said a lot of things that needed to be said, but, it "will never happen again". He has been replaced by their stepdad, even legally, and it hurts. I understand that, but why would he throw away a good woman and a wonderful marriage unit, and a great stepson who loves him tremendously? Sometimes it is just true, life isn't fair.
.... I know this isn't
.... I know this isn't exactly "politically correct", but I always told my husband, "you can't sleep with them, you sleep with me", meaning, they will grow up, have kids of their own, and then it's just you and me. I tried even all those years ago . . .
Wow, that is good! You are
Wow, that is good! You are so right, he is so full of GUILT and ANGER about being the lousy father that he was, he can't see the good things in front of him. I'm trying to coax that anger out -- thanks for making my day!
I always try to tell my DH
I always try to tell my DH that men are from "Mars" women are from Venus, and I really think that is true. I am mad at myself for not seeing this sooner; I was looking forward to retirement and our future together, while he was planning to finally put his kids first. Only thing is, they still won't connect and he will never be allowed "in". That's so interesting that your bf has "abandonment" issues -- my DH's dad died at age 36 of heart failure so my DH was raised by his mom and two sisters. His mom did remarry, but after the kids were old and gone. The man she married was an alcoholic, severe alcoholic, and after 16 yrs of putting up with his abuse she finally filed for divorce; two weeks later he died "of natural causes" and since the divorce hadn't finalized, she ended up with his pension -- she made out good! The point is, my DH was raised without a man in the home and he has told me that maybe that's his problem with marriage. I'm so sick of him "copping out" on his life and the people he loves. Why is it everyone has a damn excuse??? I told him mid-life is God giving us another chance to straighten up and not screw up so bad in the next 50 years!
Why is it that some ex's
Why is it that some ex's hang on for revenge sake? Does anyone know anyone like that? My mother did that to my father -- she tortured him for YEARS. They divorced after 20 yrs of marriage and neither of my parents ever remarried. But my mom made it sheer hell for my dad. She just died Jan. 1st of 2009; so on top of dealing with the death of my own mother I didn't get along with, my husband comes home on Labor Day and says he wants out, he doesn't love me any more. In all of our problems now, I see the ex-wife in my mother. The ex was remarried TWO years before we were. She has a lovely husband. He's the one who agreed to "adopt" the stepdaughters at ages 31 and 38 (actually they were 9 yrs younger when this happened, but now they are older and have kids of their own). But she has never let us be happy; when she couldn't get money out of us any more, she turned the kids against their dad. They "disowned" him, did all this to him, and still, he wants them back! I agree with that; the past is the past, but when will he see/admit that their mother is NEVER going to let this happen! Gees.
If only the courts would
If only the courts would recognize that syndrome! How do you know her so well . . . again, you all made my night so much better -- I have confidence in my tomorrows and will move forward with all this information! Maybe it will be Xmas for me afterall!
Your SK's are 31 and 38 and
Your SK's are 31 and 38 and the stepdad adopted them 7 years ago?? Is that even allowed? They were adults... why would they do that if not only out of spite for their bio dad??
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
I am so very glad I joined
I am so very glad I joined this site -- I only wish my whimpy DH would! Great comments, DISbelief! You're the best!
You know my dh just walked
You know my dh just walked him and he read your post and he thinks its not a midlife crisis at all. he thinks your husband is a whimp! was a losey father , blames it on others other than himself. He reconnected with his daughters and wants to prove he is on their side. And since you always came after his daughters and mother, he is willing to sacrifice you to prove his love to his daughters.
My dh said its not a midlife crisis. If it was , your husband would be wanting to go out, reconnect with friends, not his daughters, he would be trying to party, look younger, check out other woman..etec..etc...
What he is showing is guilt, hung up anger which he is takign out on you.
I agree with vickie....i say let him give you papers. You have always been last...and i think to me, it sounds quite abusive. Take your share of what is yours and let him serve you papers. Cause he is delusional if he thinks his daughters will take him back. They were 'adopted' by stepdad. THey are women with families now.
My dh just said somethign veyr interesting. He said' i'm not gonna let my daughter dictate what i will do. NEVER. who is she?, she's not first in my life and never will be.' AM i glad...you bet!!! cause he values our marriage and does not put any of his kids above us!
So, the questions here are, do you really want to save this relationship? honestly. ARe you happy in this or are you his doormat? When he reconnects with older daughter, you will bein the back burner with such verosity on his part to prove himself, that you will be nothing to him....so do you truly need this? Even after 28 years...are you truly happy with him?
I am so glad that wonderful
I am so glad that wonderful DH of yours walked in to read my post . . . I needed to hear a man's point of view. Thank you thank you for calling him a whimp!! You are so right, I am so tired of being the doormat. And he is delusional where his daughters are concerned. It's wonderful to know that there exist wonderful men like you DH!! Some day I hope to find one JUST LIKE HIM! You made my day . . . no, you made my life! Bless you!
Dear lonelyone, I hope all
Dear lonelyone, I hope all this works out OK for you. To me, it sounds like your DH was a typical exec absentee father (they are almost a cliche) and when he "had time" for his family, they had moved on. Only you're there, and you have become the lightning rod for a situation he and the ex cooked up between them. HIm with his neglect, her with her sabotage. I find this desire to devote himself 100% to his kids rather sick. Why would they want that? Boy, so many people have things twisted.
I agree, next time he mentions divorce, say OK. Take some time and think about what you want from a marriage. Don't you want to be cherished and adored? You deserve that. I find his knee jerk reaction to throw you out for them really hurtful. It shouldn't be a choice. The relationships are different.
LizzieA, you have the
LizzieA, you have the definition of DH down exactly! He was off nurturing his career and moving up the ladder while I was left at home to deal with it all. Someone here said I've been a "doormat" long enough and I'm finally beginning to see the light! The only thing I ever wanted was to be "adored" -- again you hit it. I don't expect to not work at tho, and that's my part in a good marriage. Great advice from you, many thanks!
You are the second person to
You are the second person to suggest it is not a "mid-life" crisis . . . and I'm beginning to agree. I think and I know (!) my DH has always been a self-involved, CONTROLLING entity, and all of a sudden his career path isn't what/where he wanted it to be, our money situation took a down-slide with the economy and he's mad that he can't retire, and suddenly if this wasn't enough, he decides to try to reconnect with his daughters after ten years and dump me in the process. I'm beginning to realize he's always been a jerk. That isn't very nice of me, maybe "wimp" is a better term, but either way, he's finally gone crazy! I wish I could hear from more men on the subject of mid-life and how it has affected their spouses and kids. Not many books out there on "men" in mid-life, it's all about the women. I think it's because of the man that I had so many mid-life problems! I appreciate your input!
I am sorry to hear that you
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this at this late stage in your life.
I hope that you can go for some help to sort through this for yourself,and start to work on how your life is going to be for you,in the future.
To play the blame game,or look for the minutia as to why this has 'suddenly' come up is a waste of energy and time. Unfortunately,maybe it really is about the relationship,and not the daughters. They can't be any further removed than they are,hell they got and have had a daddy in their life,and have continued on with their existence,despite your DH.Short of getting a lobotomy so he doesn't remember they ever existed,they can't be any further removed. The dawning of reality has hit him like a ton of bricks and karma has kicked in. He probably realizes that since he didn't put in the time and effort with his daughters,that he will have no relationship/contact with grandchildren,and when he is in his twilight years all he is left with is a little money,and his 'freedom'. He wanted to be 'free' to move about,get money,be all he can be,now he is reaping what he sowed. Funny enough you accepted him being a 'wimp' and a 'jerk' as long as he was willing to be with you,but now that you are looking for some great revelation as to his behavior those same traits that got him to where he stands today,are backlashing on you.
You mentioned that in some of the things that you did in the past,you may have been wrong,but if you were,you were acting in his best interest. He may not have expressed to you then how he felt,but some of it may have seemed petty and self serving,and he overlooked it then because he was being petty and self serving.
It is good to see that you are fighting for your relationship,but it takes two to be together,and it seems that there is a tenuous thread holding you together. While you are trying to 'figure' things out,he may be making plans to move on,and may suddenly move out,or hit you with divorce papers,so please get your ducks in a row. Get healthy and strong now,because as you said, you can only control you.
Our future depends on what we do in the present. - Mahatma Gandhi
EmpatheticE, you are so
EmpatheticE, you are so right and I loved your wordage, especially the "lobotomy" part! Reality has hit him in mid-life and he just can't handle it. He's a control freak, a very spoiled executive on the verge of losing his good job, feels he can't afford to retire, and if that isn't enough, he can't take back the past with his lousy-fatherhood and he can't control his daughters or me. I still see love in his eyes; but I'm moving on, getting my ducks in a row as you say, but still praying we will come out the other side. It has happened I think, but it does take a lot of work. I guess I'll see what happens. My daddy used to say, "What goes around comes around". He may well find himself very old, very alone and very sick one day soon. Thanks for the input!
Wow, it's good to know this
Wow, it's good to know this has happened to someone else! I have given him my blessing and he did get to meet with the oldest, but they want nothing to do with him. The youngest wouldn't even show up! He is missing his grandchildrens' growing up and in mid-life it's killing him. I think, in part, he feels this has negatively put pressure on his elderly mom, too. She lives 45 min. from the girls and has been a part of their lives (when invited). I tried to tell him they will never come back, we didn't close the door, and I've dreampt that they would show up on the doorstep, but it's a pipedream. I just wish he would see the good things I've done and my son has done and how much my family loves him. But he is sick as I have said. And the daughters are playing on that and will continue to punish him (while he punishes me!) the rest of his life. He needs to move on and away . . . but he sneaks in the garage and uses his cell to leave messages on the oldest voice mail. She doesn't reply of course, and I'm afraid (since they were legally adopted by their stepdad ten years ago, to further stick the knife in the back) she will report him for harassment! I am done trying to control the things I cannot control. I am concentrating on my own universe and moving ahead no matter what!