hey babe - dunno what kind of advice i can give you but i am your age and married to a guy with a kid from an ex gf. read my blogs, maybe youll get an idea of what its like to be 21 and a step mom.

"i am but a lowly non baby's momma and you, you crazy girl are
the almighty goddess who bore life! how dare i speak. how dare i dirty the air waves to your blessed ears with my voice! to the dungeon - i must be punished for my audacity!"

My advice for you is to take your time in this relationship. You are already feeling resentment towards his child and his ex wife now, and that can only get worse. I wish I lived with my husband and his two kids first before going down the aisle. As much as I love him with all my heart, dealing with kids that are not yours and dealing with his ex wife is very challenging. You are young, think about it very carefully on what you are getting yourself into. Good luck!

Welcome to StepTalk!!

I'm 24 and I've been dealing with a slightly similar situation for over a year now. My partner has a 5 y/o boy from a previous marriage and our relationship has been great. We see him for about 8 hours once a week, but not consistently. This part is obviously different but it hasn't always been so good and we've had struggles. What struck me by your post is that you mentioned being too young to deal with this situation. I've felt like that as well and I'd like to share with you that you should keep your eyes WIDE open and observe their relationship and how things progress as objectively as possible. You should know that if you marry this man, regardless of how good or bad his relationship with his son may/may not be in the future, you will be marrying the man, his son, and his ex wife. You are getting a whole chunk of this man's past that will never ever actually be "the past". The extent of this varies from couple to couple and I don't mean to be negative (things worked out well for me so far) but I had to learn to be very careful of my expectations when loving a man with kids. His kids will always be a priority, his ex will always, to some extent, be in his life (it's not like your ex boyfriends who you'll never ever see) and you will never have your very own nuclear family with him. You should expect him to go through a lot of hard emotional situations and expect yourself to be able to understand (when sometimes you really don't want to) and support him. I had to access very early on if I was willing to be A LOT more selfless, understanding, cooperative, and way less egotistical if I was going to be with this man.

In my opinion, the hardest struggle for people our age is forming their own identities, figuring out what we like, dislike, what we're willing to take. When you put kids into the mix, your own selfish needs go on the back-burner. When you put OTHER people's kids in the mix, kids you need to welcome into your childless life and have affection and care for, it becomes much much harder. Kids really question your identity because you're not longer just a person for yourself, but for others. If you stick around, this kid will test your morals and needs and patience in ways you never expected. In strange, indirect ways, because they're not yours.

I'm not sure if any of this is making sense. I'm sorry if it's all a giant pile of confusion. I don't know how to explain it any better but I just ask that you are aware. Don't settle for what's okay or good. Get what you WANT out of life. These types of relationships often make you feel like you're not getting your way in MANY ways because you're not the center focus of the relationship if there are kids involved (again, the extent of that varies). You often give up your right to decide on certain things just because the well being of a child that isn't your own comes first.

This may be an indirect rant of my own but I hope it shines some light. Good luck to you and keep us posted on how things progress!

Great advice misfit and well said. So true. Please take a real good look at the WHOLE picture and not only because you are in love with him.

Are you and your BF living together or have plans to marry? It's really hard to truly know someone and their situation in a year. I was with my BF for 3 years before we moved in together and I thought I knew exactly what I was getting into, after 3 years, who wouldn't? BUT, after living together for the past year now, it's so much more involved, stressful, and exhausting than I imagined it would be. Don't get me wrong, I love my BF, and I care for his children deeply, and I'm finally at a place where BM and I get along pretty well now (which does help the situation tremendously), but there are still issues that arise and will continue to arise for the remainder of our relationship. Issues that ppl in a nuclear family don't have to deal with.

It's a constant struggle that makes you look at yourself in the mirror almost daily and question whether you can continue on. My advice to you is, if this is what you want, don't rush things. If you and your BF plan to spend your lives together, you have plenty of time. Take things slow and allow things to fall into place and let things happen on their own without trying to force it. You may find out this isn't what you want afterall, and better to find that out before diving completely into a situation so that it's easier to get out.

___________________________________________________________________________
“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."

A little off topic, I'm curious as to why he only sees his kid if XW allows it; 1-6 hours after a two hour drive? I can gather that in the beginning of their split the boy was infant therefore having to be in predominately in mom's care but he's 3 now. Have you talked to BF about this? Is he content with supervised visits?

Given the current situation, I wouldn't take it personal that you haven't met your boyfriend's son. There's just not enough time BF has with him. And would you want to given the current arrangement?

Direct your youthful energy into having a wonderful time with your man. You'll have plenty of time later to stress about life tribulations. Ah, to be 22! I'm so envious

"that might be the wrong mentality though given the boy is only 3"

You have the PERFECT mentality. You're thinking of the boy and yourself. You can't be happy if don't include your own happiness.

Kudos to you Loll and Misfit...that was a GREAT response. You are at such a young age right now in life and have so much life ahead of you. If you know what you want in life right now that is great because that is one of the most important things you need to know, where you are going and what YOU want. And I agree with previous posters, you will not only be with this man, but his ex and his child and that takes ALOT of patience and understanding even if the situation is a good one (to which right now it doesn't sound like it given the exes influence and need to supervise visits). One question you need to answer...are you ready right now to give you life to this...CHILD? Not your BF, but his child because that child will be his son FOREVER. And if you and BF get married and have a family of your own that child will be YOUR childrens brother...FOREVER, good bad and everything in between. Please take the time you need to think about these things because that really is what you are looking forward to when you get involved with a person with children. PS I'm not a hater...married my wife with a SD and have our own children now and I love her to pieces...but SD has made it tough...:) Good Luck!

at 22, i would say they are still way too many men to settle down with one with all these issues. I came on this site though at the age of 27, and was given the same advice, and i chose to ignore it.

but...ive now been married almost 4 months, i have an amazing husband, but any friend of mine who meets a guy with a kid... i tell them to run fast and run far!

under three weeks of us getting married...we were served papers that she was trying to get full custody and take us to the cleaners for child support...shes an idiot so of course she didnt get anything and actually kicked he self in her own butt, however three missed days of work later, and a couple of hundred in lawyer consult fees...we are now just sitting ducks waiting for her to flip out about something else and try to take us back to court.

you guys have been togther 1.5 years? my dh and i got married after knowing each other that long. but i was 27 and he was 30....i look back at when i was 22 and i can tell you who i was then (in college, party girl in hollywood, single still living at home) is very different from who i was when i met dh.

I would say that if you love bf, dont rush, because the worst thing you could do is get your self trapped in a crappy situation. It seems that bf eother soesnt care enough about his son to stand up to bm to have more time with his son, or he doesnt see you as his future enough to bring you in to all parts of his life.

im curious, how old is he? who does he live with? does bm know about you in his life? have you met his family and are you close with them if you have? im asking because it seems a little weird that after 1.5 years you still havent met his son....if he is in love with you as much as you say you are in love with him, i would think that he would fight to include you in this part of his life....but then again you are really young.

but really, no matter what, the controlling, money grubbing drama of bm will NEVER end, so if you are going to pursue things further, go in 100% knowing that you life will never really be all about you and your husband and your family, you will constantly have another woman trying to tell you husband what to do.

Loll5, honey 22 is REALLY young but I can't be critical of you bc I was involved with my husband at 22 also. There were so many opportunities for me to just shut the door on him and not look back but I CHOSE to stick with him. I did it because of love and loyalty. No one wants to be in situations like yours but no one wants to leave the person they love and never look back. Stay or leave...that's the hardest decision especially when deep love is clouding your logical thought process.

I won't suggest that you just walk out and leave the man behind. It doesn't appear you're ready to do that and you may never be ready to do that. I can tell you that you have to make up your mind about how far you're willing to let this situation push you. Then you have to share these limitations with your BF and MAKE SURE he understands that you have limits in what you're able to handle. But you have to respect his limits as well. Stop trying to be his mommy and protect him from the vicious biomom and the ungrateful child. You can't protect him sweetie and you can't save him from his choices. Your job as his girlfriend,fiance',wife,lover is to be there to love him and show him that YOU value him even if no one else does. I know it's irritating that he has to deal with another woman and I know it hurts to see him hurting over his child but if you don't separate yourself from that battle your resentment will tear you apart and ultimately cost you the love you feel for your BF.

An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind. ~Mahatma Gandhi