Rags, what a wonderful insight from your mom. She must be one smart woman. Do you think she might consider a guest appearance as the "sage of step-talk" when we are in need of brilliant insight. I totally agree with her.

At somepoint (not sure where but I'm thinking from about age 14 onward though it depends on the kid. some earlier, some later)there need to be an end to the "poor kid, this is his parents fault, we excuse this behavior" attitude and the kids need to be responsible for how they act with the cards of life they have been dealt. The simple fact is life is not fair. We all ended up with different genes, different socio-economic circumstances, different geographies.

Often when I relate to a co-worker or new acquantence the story of SD16 and her impact on my life and BF's life, I get the "well its not her fault this...." or "it's obviously her mom....." and it just makes my blood boil! I'm willing to excuse the hurtful things SD has done up until about age 14, after that I hold her responsible for them. I hold BM responsible for all the things before age 14. I feel SD is now a "full player in life," for lack of a better term, and it is up to her to sink or swim. I can't change the split home, her stupid BM, her socio-economic status-- at this point only she can. I've tried to articulate this theory before and never could quiet lay it out like I wanted. I think this quote from your mom nails it exactly.

I remember making some very clear choices to do things as a teen (good, bad and neutral), things I knew my parents had tried to teach me not to do or thought were a waste of time and money, but I made conscious choices to do them anyway. I knew right from wrong. I knew I could hurt people, hurt myself. I knew I could excel or fall behind.I had become a fully aware person and I had only myself to blame from that moment on with how I handled my life and the cards life had dealt me. I once watched an interview with Christopher Reeve after his accident where he said the real interesting part of life is how you play the hand you are dealt. None of us get to pick, we are dealt a family of some kind my fate and then must do with it what we will. Watching him say that from his wheelchair was powerful and I've never forgotten it. It was actually a really freeing realization for me as I watched his interview. I was in charge of my destiny and I was given some good cards and some bad cards as a starting place, the rest was up to me.

That was rambling, but I hope your mom's quotes inspires a lot of good comments and dialogue. Thanks Rags for throwing this out for discussion.

I would rather be hated for who I am, then loved for who I am not.

When it was stated that the sins of the father passes to the son. If we as parents do not have integrity, morality, a sense of responsibility, and instead pass along to our children that which we truly should be ashamed of,( and indeed we all know our failures as people, as neighbors, as friends, as sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives and as parents.)then in these area's WE are responsible for the example and the influence that we have set before all those who have watched and been affected by our untowards behaviors. As we become older, I believe that we gain a sense of right and wrong, no matter the external influences in our lives. While everyone around us drinks, does drugs, steals, lies ect, most still have that inner voice that knows these things are wrong as well as the instructions of other outsiders . At what age? Unfortunatly, the age in which someone is truly responsible for what is right and wrong has a lot to do with their mental capabilities, however, being what is deemed as mentally competent, I believe not only does one know the difference between right and wrong, but one becomes responsible for the choices we make in these areas.. no later than our teen years. I say this, because while we CAN be held responsible sooner, logically speaking, we have to also take in to account the younger the child, the easier it is for them to be influenced due to fear, being unsure of themselves, or a desire to belong or fit in. The younger the age, the more these emotions direct the decisions the make, or the lack of making a decision and allowing another to make it for them. Personally, I did not have the greatest childhood, many didnt, but I KNEW that certain things done to me were wrong even when the offender tried to justify their action or words towards me. I COULD have repeated the pattern( sins of the father, ya know) but I chose early on in life who I wanted to be, who I refused to become, and what actions would be required on my part to achieve becoming the person I am today. To often I feel teens and adults lay blame for their actions at the feet of their parents, or others. The BLAME GAME begins early for them and rather than accept that NO CHILD grows up without some scars from the mistakes of their parents( as there is no hand book on raising kids, and most didnt have shining examples themselves) we can either learn from those actions that left the scars, change that in ourselves, or we can boo hoo and live in selfpity, and possibly repeat the actions that caused us pain, on others. To sum it up, the point at which a child has responsibility for the parental influence or problem inherited is the point when the child knows that the parents behavior/actions are wrong. From this point on, it is a choice to continue down that same path, become even worse or make the decision to change. While some believe that people can be born inherently evil, I believe that we are all born as blank as a chalk board, genetically we CAN be predispositioned to be more aggressive ect, but I believe that it is the enviroment, the outside influences and personal choice that makes one truly evil or good. Just my personal opinion.

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

Exactly exactly what I tried to explain about SD18 to the ever besotted STBX.

All of us who are parents, be it step or bio, and went thru raising kids from an early age, know that when a 2 yr old hits another child, it's lesson time. After that, say, when that child becomes school age, he is accountable for doing that very thing. So why, when these kids become teenagers, is it BM's fault, or Mom's fault, Dad's fault, Smom's or SDads fault??

My dad's parents divorced when he was six (almost unheard of then). He lived being shuffled from half-brothers house to sisters house to his Moms house. And was on his own before he ever reached 18. And was totally accountable for his actions.

Mom's Dad died when she was 9. Her Mom had to work constantly. It was the depression. No babysitter, no down time, not much parenting time. She, too, was accountable at a very young age.

My youngest BS (well, both my sons, really) made some bad choices in their teens. When my youngest lost his license and had to walk thru freezing temps, ice & snow, I offered him a ride. His response? No thanks, Mom. What I did was my fault, and I have to pay the price. (I am so PROUD). When he grew up, I once asked him what I could have done different so he didn't make the mistakes he made. His response? Nothing, Mom. I made those bad choices all on my own. I knew what I was doing, and wanted to do it anyway. Now, from STBX's viewpoint, my BS could've blamed the fact that his parents divorced. Or he could've blamed the fact that his father is an alcoholic. Or he could've blamed the fact that his Mom (me) had to be at work most of the time. But he didn't, and doesn't. He takes responsiblity for his actions, good and bad.

In recent discussions with STBX, now that I have filed for divorce, he is changing his statements regarding SD18. While we were married, I was blamed, or BM. BM was blamed for SD18 dressing and acting like, well, whorish. BM was blamed for SD18's treatment of others, including her sister. I was blamed for SD18's treatment of me. Now that I've said no more, never again in my life will I have to take this tag team behaviour from STBX & SD18, he changes the story. Now it is his fault SD18 treated me like she did (tho that is partially true, as he was a participant in the let's use Bewitched scenerios)and BM's fault. Never once have I heard him say SD18 is accountable for her actions. Except after he saw the F*cking Freshman Whores vido she put on My Space. He did hold her accountable for that one...for about 3 days.

This business of no accountability, hand in hand with the entitlement, is just so much garbage.

Thanks for the post, Rags.

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