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Discipline and WEEKEND Parenting

stepmom31's picture

Submitted by stepmom31 on Mon, 11/09/2009 - 12:30pm

I am now beginning to realize just how tough it is to instill some kind of discipline in the kids when the ONLY time you see them is on the weekends. There is simply not enough time to follow-through immediately after. BM does not share the same values and so it's no use trying to get her help in shaping behavior at her house. And the un-predictability of plans for the following weekend make it almost impossible for consequences to "roll-over".

E.g. Trying to get SD11 to not waste food or to help with chores rather than be glued to the TV all the time. DH can make threats, but never follow through with them. Or if he does, SD will mope around and spoil everyone's weekend if really forced to do something. Taking privileges away will impact on everyone's weekend too, because she will be bored. And THEN, coming to visit dad becomes NO FUN, so she's going to stop coming.

In normal families, the consequences of negative behavior can be truly defined and implemented in the days directly following the behavior.

In normal families, negative behavior can be consistently corrected day after day after day until the kids get it in their heads.

In normal families, parents don't have to worry that their kids will stop coming to 'visit' them, and so there is no need to pander to kids to try to 'keep' them in their lives. They have NO CHOICE, well at least until 18 perhaps and then they can move out.

I used to think my DH was simply lax, which surprised me, knowing the family he comes from and knowing the values he has grown up with. But I now see the whole DISCIPLINE THING as an emotionally wrenching exercise in futility for BOTH of us. Caring about them enough to discipline them, is the same as - in their eyes - not caring about them enough, and they have the POWER to take themselves out of the equation.

So really, what is an Every-Other-Weekend or Every-Weekend parent to do?????

Comments

PnutButta's picture

Submitted by PnutButta on Mon, 11/09/2009 - 12:39pm

This posed a problem for us in the beginning. So, we implemented "punishments" that would work while they are at our house, like going to bed early, no desserts or snacks, picking up dog crap in the backyard, no tv or video games, etc. Also, I have no problem carrying over a punishment to the next weekend. If your steps decide they will not come over because they are still being punished..well, that's not their decision to make. And things can always be written down for the next time they want something (like a toy or money).

Let the kid mope. She needs to learn that everything will not be her way and that her dad's house is not just for "fun". Our list of rules is on the wall for everyone to see, they helped make them so they know the consequences.

"To us, family means putting your arms around each other and being there." ~Barbara Bush

EPMom's picture

Submitted by EPMom on Mon, 11/09/2009 - 2:02pm

My dh makes it hard period. *sigh*. "I only have her eow. I don't want to spend the whole weekend correcting her." Yet, he doesn't mind correcting my son. Or when sd is over, I hear " you'd better speak to your son, is he suppose to be doing that??" It's almost like he doesn't want his daughter hearing him speak that way. So the last time we had her (she's 5 btw, and my son is 7) I said, "I'll speak to my son and soon as you learn to speak to your daughter". He DID NOT like that! So, I disengage. I try not to bother with them at all. Saves for a lot of arguments.

stepmom2one's picture

Submitted by stepmom2one on Mon, 11/09/2009 - 3:09pm

Well I agree it is very hard. We do punish that weekend if she doesn't like it she can stay in her room. If the punishment needs more than the weekend--itis extended to the next time she visits.

If SD doesn't want to come over, to bad she comes anyway.

I do have it a bit better since BM does seem to share the same values and morals as us. I have extended BMs punishments here once before....I would hope in the future that she would do the same if need be.

buttercup123's picture

Submitted by buttercup123 on Tue, 11/10/2009 - 6:42pm

PNutButta is right; that's exactly what you do. Does DH have a court order for custody? If he does then the kid has too come and if BM stands in the way of that and let's the kid not go to your house then she will have to face a judge.

I agree with SnooterBoot too, that's a great way of doing things. The key is consistency and being a team with DH. You can't undermine each other.

stepmom31's picture

Submitted by stepmom31 on Mon, 11/16/2009 - 9:15am

Thanks guys.

I saw for myself this weekend how CONSISTENCY is the magic word.

I guess the most important thing for us is Consistency of Visitation - the less DH lets changes to the schedule happen, the better they behave. Full weekends are optimal! There is enough time to have planned activities and get creative and build some family traditions of our own. Court order gives him EOW, but he has had a verbal agreement with BM for EW ever since the divorce. Recently she started keeping them regularly on some Saturdays or Sundays, and she threw a fit this weekend because he asked to put the EW arrangement in writing as they were putting some other stuff in writing that does not follow the divorce agreement.

So it's up to DH to enforce his EOW at least, and document but he doesn't always. I am thinking about simply doing the documenting for him, and telling him rather than asking because he seems to see it as a petty issue and a chore, and I want to make sure his @ss is covered in case of anything. Have any of you all resorted to this??

When he does step up though, the weekend is good! This weekend we had them from Fri to Sun and he consistently reminded the kids that "this is how we do things in THIS house", no matter how things work at mom's. They DO get it when DH says it over and over. And he did consistently focus on the biggest issues which for us are A. Wastefulness B. Cleanliness(chores & hygiene) C. Schoolwork. They were like new kids I tell you, not rushed, not stressed about time, with enough time to fit everything in - Fun, Chores, and Schoolwork!

And he mentioned to me that BM asked him how he gets them to do chores because they do absolutely nothing at her house, and I can tell how proud he was, which gives me real hope that he will build some consistency in this area, and I am always there to support him.

The whole punishment thing is still to be worked out though, since this weekend went so smoothly there was no need. I have to keep talking to DH about this. I'm going to keep filling his head with the ideas I'm collecting from you all so that when the time does come for punishment, he isn't 100% clueless. But consistency of enforcing is where he would have to step up.