I don’t know what to do.

I feel like every day my resentment for the skids is eating away at me. And the last few weeks (since I found out I was pregnant) have been hell! Me and DF have been fighting more than ever because everything is irritating me even more than normal with the skids. I have tried to explain to him that he needs to step up as a parent and do what needs to be done for the kids. He always has an excuse for why he can’t do this or why he has to wait to do that.

I feel like I do so much for them, I’m the only one working and once I get home I have to help with homework, help get their clothes out, make sure they are doing what they’re supposed to be doing, break up fights, etc. It’s like I work 24/7. His excuse for why I have to do these things when I get home? He’s tired. Like I’m not? He takes two kids to school in the morning, then he’s home with SD3 till the others get out of school, and two hours later I get home from work. What on earth does he do that makes him so tired?

Really, my big issue is SD7, I hate her. I cannot stand her. I don’t like when she is in the same room as me. And not only do I feel this way about her, when he is around I feel it about him too, because he does nothing to fix her. He doesn’t discipline her, sure he SAYS she’s going to be in trouble, she might be in the corner for 5 minutes, but nothing that will actually make her change her ways. She lies, steals, breaks things, doesn’t do homework or class work, she makes messes, writes her name on everything, is always hiding stuff. I am tired of finding my stuff in her drawer, or finding something else that she has wrote her name on. Tired of finding broken toys hidden because she didn’t want us to find them. And he does nothing about it! I’m tired of working my ass off for him and these kids and not getting anything in return.

I wish they would just go back to their BM and leave us alone. Before they came everything was so much better. We never argued, he was never ‘too tired’ to do anything, and I wasn’t stressed out of my mind. But because of his POS ex and his unwillingness to step up and be a real dad I feel so stuck.

We got in a fight this morning about a few things. He found a notebook where I have all the txts between me and my ex saved for court, to use in case anything comes up. And he always gets really upset whenever he finds out that I’ve talked to my ex. And he started asking why he didn’t know of all these conversations and this and that, and I’m like are you serious? It’s not a big deal. It’s not like I’m hiding anything, you can read the txts and see that I’m not doing anything. And then he started saying how I’m sneaky. I brought up the fact that he talks to BM way more than I talk to my ex and he doesn’t say anything and starts asking why I’ve been so moody lately (hello, im freakin pregnant) and I was saying that there are things that he does that I don’t like, but I don’t say anything most of the time because I hate to argue and everything turns into an argument with him now days (which could be because I’m hormonal and push his buttons but idk). And he starts going off about how he’s used to being irritated by the kids and BM but how hes not used to me being like this. And if I’m so unhappy with the things he does maybe we shouldn’t be together. I didn’t even know how to respond to that so I told him we’d talk when I got off work and I left.

I feel like he doesn’t understand how stressful this whole thing is on me. I went from having BD2 50/50 to having 3 skids almost full time and without him getting CS it’s killing ME! Its so much more weight on my shoulders. Whenever I try and explain it to him, he starts saying about how I have no idea how hard it is on him to have three kids to watch (is that my fault? That’s his problem it’s a mistake he made before he even knew me. So he needs to man up and deal with it or stop trying to look good in the courts eyes and let them know he can’t handle it) and how difficult it is for him to be staying home and having me work. (I know this is a macho thing, but get over it).

He keeps saying how I always backed his decision to get visitation, and I did back him. He needed to take BM to court and get something, but we were expecting every other weekend or something.. not 24/7. I could deal with them every other weekend, hell that would be amazing! But he can’t admit now that we are struggling because of them.

I have really been thinking about disengaging, but I don’t think I can. If I don’t help those kids with homework and things they need to learn about being good little kids, they wont do their work and they will turn out like BM and I care about them too much (even sd7) to just let them be another statistic of divorce and crazy parents.

When it was just me df and bd2 everything was amazing. We were a perfect little family and when the skids showed up everything changed. I’m being selfish in the fact that I want it to go back to how it was, and I know it probably never will. But I don’t know how to keep my sanity, keep my relationship, and make everything better.