wow, where is this anger stemming from? You might surprise her and say your interested in talking to her together to get it all out in the open, in person. Sounds like she's being selfish as most teens are... Keep a united front. Good luck!

p.s. she sounds manipulative herself... has she tried therapy?

geez...you are totally expanding my fear of this entire scenario. My SD isn't old enough to express her feelings in words, but I feel this is exactly how she feels by her actions. It might just be me, but my family was never about a separate relationship between each individual. What I mean is that if she wants to have a one-on-one relationship with her Father then she should be willing to accept you, and to have the same thing with you. I don't know how I feel about alone time. I understand that it is important, but to me, it seems like your SD and my SD are just wanting it to make us feel bad. They want to feel they are being chosen over us and that they are the most important thing EVER. Almost to the extent of, spend time with just me dad so SHE will be left out. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a pessimist.

I would never do a damn thing for that kid ever again.

Know your place? That would be the place as your DH's spouse, right? By his side, as his partner. Making decisions together, etc.

How can a person be jealous of a dog, anyways?

Well, she was being honest and telling you how she felt. Whether you like her feelings or not...she obviously knows that her letter/email will not be liked by the both of you. You have a choice...you can either respond with a letter of your own explaining how you feel (about the way she and her sisters treat you, etc.) or leave it to your DH to deal with and disengage. If it were me, I would send her one back, telling her that you appreciate her telling you how she feels, and telling her how you feel as well (albeit tactfully). I would hope that DH would help with this letter, and show a united front/firm partnership with you.

Good luck with that one. I sympathize, it can't be easy.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

I read your sd's letter and can only say that at least she is comfortable opening up to you and your DH, which might at first seem to alienate you, but what better way to expand... I would probably not write a letter to the SD, but instead (if possible) sit down with her and your DH and say thank you for feeling that you can come to me with your inner most feelings and although it hurt reading the things you feel, that her being able to express herself is a wonderfuul thing. I am a stepdaughter, stepmother and a bio mom and can relate to each role. I can say this about being a SD... we do feel as if our daddys have abandoned us, and I think your SD expressing it is wonderful, because most SD's would hold it in and stew for too many years.
Embrace this as a chance to build a relationship with SD. Don't be offended and don't retailate. Your SD left the door open for you to communicate back to her, which speaks volumes.
Maybe DH should take her out to lunch alone, talk to her about some serious issues like the feelings of being abandoned, and then the three of you meet up afterwards for ice cream/coffee and continue this conversation.
I think the reference to the dog was just showing her feelings of jealousy and abandonment... as if the dog were a new child....
Don't bite into this letter until you've put yourself in this child's shoes. I don't know your situation personally, but your SD seems to write like she's in her teens and everyone at that point in life seems angry at everyone for everything.
Take a breath, rejoice in the fact that she wants to communicate at all, and then remember she fells like she's lost her dad and you being there is just a second to those other feelings.

--------------->I love my dad and therefore respect his choices.

This email all in itself PROVES that SD does not respect her Dad's choices. I remember writing a VERY similar letter to my dad about 12 years ago. My "SM" was a manipulative WITCH, and I hated her... funny, there are 4 daughters in my family too. Hmmmm. Strange. Anyways, while I was completely out of line for saying these things to my Dad, if I truly respected him, I would have allowed him to love who he wanted to love without my opinion bursting in... but SM continuously drove wedges between my dad and all 4 of us girls.

SO~ while I disagree with her sending this... I have kind of been there. I hope to God you are not like the weasle of a human that I was unfortunate enough to call my STEPMOM for 17 years... I don't think you are. SD should have sat down with her dad and expressed her feelings to him face to face, and in a mature mannor trying to come to a resolution, rather than a hurtful letter that really resolved nothing.

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ ; )

I feel so sorry for this young lady. She has so much anger and so much hurt inside. Maybe you can help her by trying to set some time just you and her. I'm sure the anger is not really with you per say but deep down she feels left out by her parents someway. So you being the outsider gets the hot water pour into your hands.I wish you luck and just don't let it get to you sweetie. Hugs Ani

From waht I read on your blog, these are not children - these are adults. This letter could just as well been written by my adult step daughter! She also expressed jealousy of our dog before we had BDs!

I agree that this girl needs therapy badly to help her with her anger problem! She cites as reasons for her uncontrolled anger that 1. you don't "feel" your place 2. that your husband always places you first , 3. that you must have asked to be callled OMA or stepmom (how dare you LOL!)and 4. that she doesn't have the one on one time with her BD which she blames on your actions. None of this, however, seems to give adeqate explanation for this level of rage!

One question - Since this SD and the other SDs are adults why does she care what your husband's financial situation is? She mentions the fact that you have money to spoil the dog while husband complains about fiancial state as one of her complaints when mentioning the dog. Is she asking for money/things and getting turned down by BD?

It is my experience that when adult SKids get ugly it is usually over money - they seem to have the delusion that a step-parent is taking money that should go to them. They seem to conveninetly ignore the financial contribution that this same step parent brings into their marriage. If they acknowledge this at all they think that the steppaprent's money should go to them also!

What do you thiunk that she meant by the following?

"(Dogmom) how dare you getting it in your head
to even think you could be called Oma or see
yourself as our "Stephmom" in any kind of way other then by LAW whichfreankly does not mean a thing other then MONEY!"

I note that theword money was in all caps and she mentione dit twice in the letter. I personally recommend having gone through something like this that you keep as much disatnce as you can whenever she is around you. I don't recommend that you respond to the letter - I mean what can you say - she would most likely attack and criticize anything you said and it could just escalate. Let your husband deal with them - hopefully he will not offer any type of apology or excuse that will give them the idea that this behavior will be tolerated in the future.

Luckily for you they don't live close by.

From what I read on your blog, these are not children - these are adults. This letter could just as well been written by my adult step daughter! She also expressed jealousy of our dog before we had BDs!

I agree that this girl needs therapy badly to help her with her anger problem! She cites as reasons for her uncontrolled anger that 1. you don't "feel" your place 2. that your husband always places you first , 3. that you must have asked to be callled OMA or stepmom (how dare you LOL!)and 4. that she doesn't have the one on one time with her BD which she blames on your actions. None of this, however, seems to give adeqate explanation for this level of rage!

One question - Since this SD and the other SDs are adults why does she care what your husband's financial situation is? She mentions the fact that you have money to spoil the dog while husband complains about fiancial state as one of her complaints when mentioning the dog. Is she asking for money/things and getting turned down by BD?

It is my experience that when adult SKids get ugly it is usually over money - they seem to have the delusion that a step-parent is taking money that should go to them. They seem to conveninetly ignore the financial contribution that this same step parent brings into their marriage. If they acknowledge this at all they think that the steppaprent's money should go to them also!

What do you think that she meant by the following?

"(Dogmom) how dare you getting it in your head
to even think you could be called Oma or see
yourself as our "Stephmom" in any kind of way other then by LAW whichfreankly does not mean a thing other then MONEY!"

I note that the word money was in all caps and she mentioned it twice in the letter. I personally recommend that you keep as much distance as you can whenever she is around you. I don't recommend that you respond to the letter - I mean what can you say - she would most likely attack and criticize anything you said and it could just escalate. Let your husband deal with them - hopefully he will not offer any type of apology or excuse that will give them the idea that this behavior will be tolerated in the future.

Luckily for you they don't live close by.

WOW! My DH would not tolerate this kind of behavior from either of his daughters. I think you should let DH handle it and stay out of it and NEVER even speak to those entitled brats ever again. You and your DH have a marriage, which in the bible trumps kids. The husband/wife comes first, then the children. They need to respect you, period.

He needs to put his foot down. And seriously, the people on here who are telling you to use this as a chance to build a relationship with this child???? Um, she has clearly stated that she is in no way, shape or form going to allow you to be in her life in any significant way. I say, screw it.

Build your life with your DH and be happy.

Love

The first thing that came to my mind is that I hope my bio son is one day able to express himself like your sd has done. What did your dh say? Has he talked to sd since the email was sent? Is this the result of PAS on the part of bm? Without knowing all the background (which I realize we'll never get ALL of it).... its hard to get a grip on why this girl is so dang angry.

OMG! You are the scape goat on this one. Notice how every time she attacks you she references her fathers failure to do the kind thing YOU did.

She attacks you for being kind to her and saying things the she likes to her! Then she attacks your DH for NOT saying those things?! OK.....

Oh and how dare you treat a pet as a family member now that you 2 are empty nesters! Good grief she doesn't want you to be a normal emptynester either. She apperently thinks you should be spending ALL of your money on her and her sisters......even though she dislikes you. She will treat you like crap, and then hold out her hand for your cash.....nice, real nice.

Then she states that a "family" vacation had nothing to do with you! That is was about her and her father, that you kept butting in saying nice things to her....how dare you!! LOL!!

I could go on but i will spare you. If my SD ever does this she will get a email saying EXACTLY what I think of it.

She sounds like a brat and you are better off if she does stay away! I can't believe this is a 27 year old woman!

I would be incredibly tempted to respond, in fact I would HAVE to draft something and read it to DH. It would definitely include the 'I do know my place - by your father's side, as his WIFE'! that was really good!

But its almost too whacked out to respond to, maybe you should just nod and smile politely, like you would if she passed gas or something. It sounds like she wants to pick a fight, so why give her the pleasure, instead just ignore it?!
_________________________________________________________
"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)

I love that idea Gettingby... I thought this SD was a teen, but since she's 27 it does make it a tad different. I still say she's opening up and maybe mentally she's only in her teens... I am a SD and I have never thought of my sm as a gold digger, and because I am a stepchild I have made sure provisions have been made in case my DH passes before me and vice versa for my bio children and him. We have insurance that goes directly to the children (on both sides) and another policy for me and him. I think that as a stepchild we sometimes get older and realize that we are not going to inherit anything from our biolocal parents and that's not a money issue it is a family heritage issue. When your parents remain together you do get whatever estate when they pass, but when your parents part you no longer have that sense of belonging that you once had. I hope no one takes that the wrong way, because we all want something of our parents when they pass and some of us stepchildren have a weird way of getting that point across.
Take me for example... my dad and sm currently have 50 acres of land, which I have no desire to have, but if my father passes before my SM (who I love dearly) I would no longer have any entitlment to anything that my father and sm worked hard to obtain unless my sm had the foresight to create a will and divide accordingly... if she neglects that and has children (which mine doesn't) or other immediate family then I'm not going to get anything of my father's estate. Luckily me and both my steps have a great relationship and I felt comfortable enough to communicate my feelings and there were no hard feelings on this issue. I really think they understood where I was coming from and I wasn't coming from a point of money, just heritage and family belongings. Trust me from a stepmom's point of view I know that sounds horrible and one day I will tell my ss's what their father and I have put into place for the just in case day, because as everyone gets older you become more aware of the what ifs... I dont know if that is what this particular SD is thinking about, but I do know that it does factor into some of the things we stepchildren think about. I know it definitely effected how my DH and I set up the future for all of our children, that way there are no hard feelings after we go into the great beyond for any of our children. I hope that made sense.

My SD10 already asked us this! Young I know!

We told her. She will split H things with her brothers (my BSs). And the insurance policy is split evenly btw the 3 of them after I pass. My policy and H is split evenly for the kids.

All of my things go to my BSs.

I think this is a concern of kids as they get older. If she asks again I will remind her. Although she is a bit young to think of this---I think her BM went over these things with her. Which is why she asked....

It is a good point, I wonder if she is worried about these things.....