I know this has been done and asked alot, BUT, do your Skids call you mom?

If my SD called me mom my eyes would bugg out of my head, hit the floor, roll around, catch on fire, and then explode. Once I got beyond that I would seriously have a issue with it. I see her EOW and sometimes through the week. I'm not her mom. I am a parent to her.....but I think mom and dad titles should be reserved for the mom and dad.

Now, just so you know, I know many of you have had your skids since birth pratically and that you've raised them.....okay, I can see that and understand that you aren't just being called mom, you are mom!

But I think for a EOW SM to allow her skids to call her mom is just truthfully disrespectful to their mother. Weather you think she's a decent mom or not doesn't matter, IMO anyways. Regardless, she is their mother.

On the flip side of that......my son whom lives with me and DH does not call DH dad. DH has been in his life since he was 9. DH takes care of him, feeds him, loves him, plays with him, once even took him cloths to school when he was sick and had a oopsie! He is in all aspects dad to my son. However, if my son ever suggested that he wants to call DH dad, we would both sit down and talk to him about it. We could come up with a different knickname, etc. But just out of sincere respect for his father we wouldn't want him to call DH that.

Also, on the flip of that, if my son ever suggested he was going to call his SM mom I would have the same talk with him.

And again, I know some of you ARE the MOM! You're not a SM, you are the one, the only one there for these kids. And this blog isn't at anyone in paticular, it was just mentioned today and got me to thinking.

How many of you feel the same? And the ones that don't why and how do you justify letting kids that aren't yours call you mom or dad? And also, for the ones that don't agree and do allow Skids to call them that, do you have bio kids and how do you feel (truthfully now) about your kids calling another parent by your name?

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ITA to everything you

ITA to everything you mentioned Jen

___________________________________________________________________________
“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”

Me too. I think it all

Me too. I think it all depends on the situation. Everyone's is different and we are all involved to a different degree.

Everyone is involved, that's

Everyone is involved, that's for sure. That's why me and Squillion went round and round about being considered a "parent" in our skids lives. I do consider myself a parent to SD, a step parent! I do also consider my DH a parent to my son, a step parent! And all the glory that comes along with it......LOL

And again, this is just how we roll. To each their own, diff. strokes for diff folks, etc etc etc and blah blah blah.

But......I still could never let my SD call me mom. Not because I don't wish I were her mom, but I believe it to be very disrespectful to her mother. And as much as I don't care for BM I'm not here to trample on her mommy toes!

My sks would never, ever,

My sks would never, ever, and they love me very much. While I mother them 2-5 days a week, I think that privilage resides with the woman who gave birth to them who is still very much in their life.

I totally agree, When I

I totally agree, When I started dating my now DH he knew MY KIDS came first, since I have raised them by myself. And my feeling is I dont want to be anyone else's mom. I love my SKIDS but I am not their mom nor do I want them to call me mom, the title of Mom soley is for my kids.

Shortly after we married PHYSCO BM asked my DH what the kids call me and he told her exactly what I stated and the reason for it. And she flipped out on him, telling my DH, that I think I am to good for her kids.

Before all the jaws drop. She was looking for reasons to justify her and her hubby demanding my SKIDS to call BM's new hubby dad. And to teach them to write their names with his last name.

And she is just one of those damn if you do damn if you dont. We have since gone to court to fix that problem....My DH actually has papers that states BM spouse, or any future spouse, BF is to be addressed only by first name. But we have huge PAS problems we are constantly dealing with.

I totally agree, When I

Before all the jaws drop. She was looking for reasons to justify her and her hubby demanding my SKIDS to call BM's new hubby dad. And to teach them to write their names with his last name.

Totally agree with

Totally agree with everything you said Jen.... SDs have occasionally accidentally called me mom and when they have the look on their face is priceless... like OMG I just called you... MOM! We have a laugh and I remind them they should probably be thankful I'm not their mom.

Yes... no matter what a piece of crap BM is, and she IS a piece of crap mom.. she gets the Mom title.

My SS is with me full time

My SS is with me full time but I would not be comfortable with him calling me mom. Even though BM is barely involved, when it comes down to it, she makes the major decisions in his life. That's her right for having given birth to him. These are also often decisions I don't agree with and would never make for a child of my own, which all the more reason why I don't feel like a mother in this situation. Age also plays a factor. My ex SS wanted to call me mom and we were very close in age, which was just creepy.

My ex SS wanted to call me

My ex SS wanted to call me mom and we were very close in age, which was just creepy......................LOL

This made me laugh. Your SS had a crush on you....that one is priceless!! Now just image if you had let the little perv. call you mom and now you aren't a part of his life, because that's how it is right?

Our relationships with Skids begin with a marriage license. It can end with a DD. My life with my bio's is never done, nothing, no one can end it.

Another reason why I believe in the mom is mom and dad is dad thing!

**Though, I do believe my impact on my SD has made a huge difference in her life and though I'm not blood family I do see some of me in her these days.

**Though, I do believe my

**Though, I do believe my impact on my SD has made a huge difference in her life and though I'm not blood family I do see some of me in her these days.**

Me too Jen!!! DH has even said SD 10.5 acts just like me now (which is NOTHING like BM)... and yes, I love it!

awwwww.......those moments

awwwww.......those moments are sooo sweet!

My ss doesnt call me Mom, he

My ss doesnt call me Mom, he calls me by my first name, but if he introduces me to one of his friends, He will say this is my "stepmom".
which makes me feel good.

On Mothers Day I didnt get a card or a phone call and that was really hurtful, I was totally upset I didnt get recognized.

hey, has anyone ever seen a Hallmark Mothers Day Card for Stepmoms?

Neither did I, Your

Neither did I, Your Right.

I've been a part of my SD's life for better than 4 years now but I didn't even get a call. I was HURT. I gave the phone to my son and told him to call his SM and tell her HMD, though his dad and her weren't officially married yet.....I still wanted to make sure he told her. He looked at me all sad and asked if SD had called me, I told him no but don't worry about it. I had to turn my head before he saw me crying.

Guess what, about ten minutes later I get a text from SD saying it, then a hour later a whispering phone call. Come to find out my son had called her and laid into her about not calling me! LOL

But I understand that she can't......her mom would flip. But why not tell me at some point when she isn't around, or the day before, or SOMETHING?

That kind of crap does hurt, I don't care who you are!

And yes, I do believe they make cards for SM's.

I have two SD's. The oldest

I have two SD's. The oldest is 6 and the youngest is 5. I have been in their lives since the youngest was 8 months. Just this past year the they started calling me mommy. I'll be honest, at first it felt a little weird. Before they called me mommy they called their Step-dad Daddy. At first thought they shouldn't be doing that but my DH said he didn't mind, he knows he is their dad and is not threatened by BM's new husband or what his BC call him. Not long after they began calling BM's new husband daddy, they began calling me mommy. The youngest has since started calling me by name but the oldest still calls me mommy. I have to admit, I'm not going to be the one to tell them they can't call me mommy. After awhile I don't really mind it and it seems to not be a problem all around. If they feel comfortable calling me that, why should I tell them not too.

Thank you. I feel the same

Thank you. I feel the same way

If they feel comfortable

If they feel comfortable calling me that, why should I tell them not too

To me, and this JMO, but......that's like saying well if they feel comfortable staying up until 2 am eating cheetos and ice cream why should I tell them not to?

Because you are a parent....sometimes you have to put yourself in those situations and tell the kids what is and is not okay.

Granted, you've been in their lives since early on, so I can understand why you feel okay with it, somewhat. And the fact that SF is addressed as dad......IMO though that should have never happened at all.

And I'm fully assured and comfortable with the fact that I'm my childs mother and am not threatened by another woman that is a part of their life either. She is a big part of his life, even if she only sees him once or twice a year she is his father wife therefor a parent to my child. But she's not his mom. I am.

I see where you are coming

I see where you are coming from BUT staying up all night eating cheetos and calling their SM mommy are apples and oranges. It is obviously not right to let them stay up all night and eat junk food. However, if it makes them feel comfortable and more a part of their dad's family at our house, I don't have a problem with them calling me that. I don't always agree with what my SD's do and DH and I don't have a problem laying down some ground rules when it comes to our house. BTW, we don't have a traditional schedule, we have them more than the BM. So, if they want to call me mommy, I let them.

Well I asked why and you

Well I asked why and you told me!

Thanks for the diff. op!

Oh, and do you have any bio kids? That's part of the poll I'm taking! LOL

Thanks for understanding. I

Thanks for understanding. I realize I'm the minority on this issue. Everyone is different.

Yes, I have one bio child, just turned one.

i have 3 boys and i have 3

i have 3 boys and i have 3 soon to be step kids which 2 step kids live with me. before i moved in the fathers home the oldest girl wanted to call me mom and i told her no it wasnt apporate at that time. well me and the mother of the kids get along and i stayed with her for 2 months when i was in transiton of moving accross the country and she started to call me momma and then my name well kids picked up on it too they all call me momma and my name. now that i have moved in to my soon to be husbands house his daughters call me mom, momma or mommy and no im not their mother but i feed them, make sure they have clean clothes buy their clothes make sure the house is clean comfort them when they are sick and take them to doctors when needed i do everything a mother does for their own children speak to teachers and confrences and if there are issues at school they call me.
my boys didnt call my boyfriend dad but since we have combined our family my oldest son has now started to call him dad reason being he is dad he takes care of them he loves them like his own just as i do for his children even thou his oldest calls me mommy, she gives me hell everyday pushes me to my limit and im fed up but at the end of the day she still looks at me like im mom!! i really believe on how the kids feel about the step parent and how the bio parents feels as long as no one is stepping on toes it dont matter! and another thing is too if your loving,nuturing, and doing everyhthing for the child as you do your own your mom,cause anyone can make a baby dosent mean they have the rite to be a mom or even be called a mom!!!

Let me throw this in since

Let me throw this in since you mentioned biokids. Perfectson one time overheard SD14 call me mom by accident and HE jumped in and corrected her that I was HIS mom, NOT HERS! So I believe there would be a huge amount of jealousy if SDs ever tried to call me anything other than WSM.

WSM, me to. My son would

WSM, me to. My son would hit Jupiter if he ever heard SD call me mom, just like she did when my son slipped once and called DH dad. She went ballistic. We heard about it from her, his other daughter, and BM (of course had to throw her two cents in there)!

I dunno, I guess all I can say is I really feel the mommy position is filled with my kids. I filled it when I gave birth to them, and continue to fill it by being with them every day and raising them.

But......when SD is talking to mine and Dh's BD 2 about me, she'll say "go see mommy", or "Mommy has it", stuff like that. And my BS son does the same when speaking to BD about DH. It's like we all just get it and all agree on how it should be! LOL

And thank goodness for it.......it's a big issue to us so I'm very happy we are all on the same page.

Ya know.....I was thinking

Ya know.....I was thinking about this.....and I really AM Mom to my skids......and they refer to me as their "Mom" to others, but always call me Lotus.....I don't think I would feel right if they called me Mom....I think when they call me Lotus....it reinforces, to me anyway, that I don't HAVE to do any of what I do for them as I am not their bioMom....and in a very weird way, I think it helps to remind them to appreciate me.....cuz their "Mom" took off and didn't do her job......do I make sense?....LOL

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

This makes perfect sense to

This makes perfect sense to me and I give it a "two-thumbs up"!

maybe i should make my

maybe i should make my stepkids do that to me my 12y/o does not have any respect for me and she calls me mom and she refers to me as mom but no respect and lies to me constanly!! and i have been nothing but good to her!! and i even told her one day i dont have to do what i do for her i do it cause i want too not cause i have too!!!

I've kind of explained this

I've kind of explained this elsewhere, but I'm not sure if I was very clear about it, so this blog gives me a chance to try again.

In principle, I agree that there is a Mom and there is a Stepmom. In certain situations, the Stepmom really becomes the mom (like if the biomom drops out of sight for many years and the young kids grow up knowing SM as Mom). But in general, I do agree that it's weird to let a skid call a SM "mom."

However, in my situation, there's a weird grey area. I have a younger SD, whose mother treats her very poorly, and who has all sorts of issues with her mom. The situation is complicated by the fact that she is adopted, and her older sis, who is not adopted, gets 90% of the attention and praise. It is very clear to YSD that she is a second class daughter to her mother. And that makes their relationship very fraught.

YSD lives in a group home, and sees her mother one weekend a month, and us one weekend a month. When YSD comes over to our house, she generally does very well (better than at her mom's) and has a good, relaxing time in a stable, calming environment. We try to set a good example, and treat her like the girl she would like to be. Sometimes, out of distraction or perhaps because she wants affection, she calls me "mom." I do not correct her, and here is why: I think that she has enough trouble with feeling rejected in her life, without me saying, "No, YSD, I don't want you to call me that." I essentially do not acknowledge it one way or another. It's as if she called me the wrong first name out of distraction -- I know she's talking to me, so I don't feel the need to say "that's not my name." I do not encourage it, but I don't make a big deal out of it. This kid needs to feel like she belongs somewhere, and I think that policing what she calls me is just not worth it.

Does that make sense to people?

UCSM

"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin

Yes that makes perfect

Yes that makes perfect sense. I completley understand why you allow her to call you mom.

I am sure you've said it, but why does your YSD live in a group home?

My heart is really going out to this child right now.......she's begging for a family! If you were to correct her and say no I'm not your mom the very blocks that you've tried to build under her could come tumbling down.

Long story. The short

Long story. The short version is that she was adopted from overseas and she's got PTSD, Reactive Attachment Disorder, and some other issues. Her mom has physical custody of her, and so she pretty much calls the shots of where she is (because the mom is always the saint, as we all know). Honestly, though, I do think YSD needs to be in a group home situation right now, even though I think a lot of it has to do with sh*t that her mom brings out in her.

UCSM

"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin

I guess I got this stirred

I guess I got this stirred up this morning by my post. My situation is that I have been married to my DH since before SD was born... Another story in itself, but I am sure you can figure it out. My SD did live with us being BM could not handle being the mother to her. SD called me by my name for the longest time and then one day asked if she could call me mommy. I told her no being BM was her "MOMMY" so SD decided she was going to call me mom and I told her it was ok. SD was not giving up on that. We did talk to BM and she was ok with it too. SD now has a new Stepdad, which she calls by his name. If she wants to call him Dad she can and she knows that, SD will tell you that herself. My SD knows she has 2 dads and 2 moms, but she does know that I am her Stepmom and that BM is her Bio Mom being she came our of her tummy, and this was told to SD by BM herself.
My thoughts are... Being I was raised in a home with a stepdad that I wanted to call dad, but never could being of the situation, that my SD can call me whatever she chooses. Like I said in an earlier post, by my name, Mom or scooby doo if she wants. SD knows that she is loved very much in our home and she knows that we have a stable environment. We do have SD more than the normal every other weekend also. So we are not just the typical non custodial parties. We want her as much as we can get her. Let me mention too we live a few hours away and do drive to get her all the time. She loves coming and we love having her, so I don't feel wierd about her calling me mom being she is comfortable enough with me to do so and I am glad she looks at me in that way. I am glad that I can be a positive influence in her life and be a positive role model. I don't want to argue with BM and hopefully one day when she is over 25 she will grow up. For SD I will continue to do what we are doing and if one day she calls me by my name then so be it, that will be up to SD. Kids should be heard and not just seen being they do have feelings and sometimes if we really sit back and listen they make sense in certain situations.
Sorry if I ruffled any feathers today.

mommommom, you didn't ruffle

mommommom, you didn't ruffle my feathers at all. I wrote the blog for different view points and for explinations of why some people think it's okay, you gave me just that! So thank you!

The skids don't call me mom

The skids don't call me mom and I think it would feel weird if they did. They have a mom who is very much a part of their lives.

BUT, when we're out and about and someone says something like "go ask your mom" or refers to me as their mom in anyway, neither of us corrects them, usually. For all practical purposes, I am very much a mom to them - just not genetically tied.

On the other hand, SS got very confused about who his "dad" was. He's called BM's last three (in the same number of years) live-in boyfriends "dad". I took great offense to this when he told me one day he "had a lot of dads". I told him, that he might call a lot of men "dad" but in reality he has only one dad like everyone else and that's the man that's with me.

My skids don't have a mom

My skids don't have a mom because their mom killed herself when they were babies. They were 9 and 10 when I came into the picture. They asked if they could call me mom. I wasn't really comfortable with it put I didn't want them to think that I didn't care about them and didn't want them to feel left out so I agreed. However, as far as my sd is concerned, I wish that I hadn't agreed to it because I think that she only did it because my ss did it. Then she felt that I should be exactly the way other mothers were with their daughters and because I wasn't than I became evil. I didn't have anything to compare to because she was the oldest. My bd is 5 years younger so the rules couldn't be the same so she could see that I wouldn't be different with her than my bd. So, I do wish sometimes that I hadn't allowed it. Except with my ss, it's been more like a parent/child relationship.

You are here

I know this has been done and asked alot, BUT, do your Skids call you mom?

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