OK ladies (and gents) some help please... (SMNikki??) :)
As per my previous blog, we had never changed the custody agreement from when it was 50/50, even though SD started living with us last year. Now DH may try to get BM to see the Mediator to make this new change "legal in the eyes of the law". Ugh!!
Anyway, I am preparing some materials for my husband for mediation. SMNikki - I know you said you helped your DH prepare some things and that he looked "very professional"!!
What I am looking for advice on is this...
The Paralegal advised me that I may want to write my own letter or affidavit, stating what I do for SD on a day-to-day basis as her primary caregiver. Since SD lives with me solely while DH is away, it is pretty obvious / easy. I am doing all the day to day "mom" things. But I was wondering if anyone had experience with anything like this and had wording for it?
I have to say, it's very very frustrating to compile everything for DH. Since he is more artistic than I (painter, poet, carpenter) and I am the more "organized" one.... I have everything pretty much at my fingertips, or can find it online. It's just annoying more than anything, I guess, to see what BM has really gotten out of contributing to, or even taking responsibility for.
SMNikki - your blog the other day about it just eating at you and getting in the way of you relating to your DH.... That's definitely where I am at the moment. (sigh)
I mean, I still LOVE him more than anything in the whole world. And he is so worth this to me!! But I wish I could just let it go. I wish I had his ability to not let it drive me crazy the way it does!!
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first i want to say that my
first i want to say that my documenting and preparing everything for dh was worth every second of my time! i may get frustrated with dh, but the first thing he did when he got out of mediation was call me and say (and post on his facebook) thank you baby i couldnt have done it with out you, you are amazing and together we are too stong for anyone to try and fight against!
at that moment all my stress and free time i had given up to help get it all together was nothing compared to how much i knew dh needed me and appreciated what i do for him!
i would get a plastic accordian file folder. lable the tabs, and carry this all in to court/mediation
1.pictures we included photos of us as a family, pictures of dh with ss at tball, marks/bruises from time with bm. mysapce photos, pictures of bm drinking while ss was with her. lots of pictures of just ss and i together.
2.statement from you AND dh. more like a decloration of the care and home you provide for skids, i would include discipline, breif schedule stuff, education etc.. dh's was a response to bm's accusations in her statement for why she was seeking full custody.
3.documentation (chronological) i did by year, month, day, and explained each event
4. police reports(if any)
5. recipts
6. daily schedule(when husband is and isnt there)
7. get frinds/family/and un biased parties to write you letters that speak of your character and care of skid in your home and make character letter a tab.
8. current court paperwork (with highlighted points you want to focus on)
9. old court paper work with things highlight of broked court orders, and proof skid has lived with you
also, go in with a list of all your major points so that if you get sidetracked you can be sure to touch on all of them!
ive got ss here and i havent seen him since friday and im making dinner...ill write more later! anyother questions just let me know! id love to help another sm any way i can!!
also...if you know any
also...if you know any teachers or other type of caregivers that can write you letters that speak of bm's character as opposed to you. it really helped us that the daycare lady wrote to say that dh and i are very cosistent with ss and ss does not listen or behave with bm
another thing i added was
another thing i added was the workbooks i bought that ss and i work on to help him learn the alphabet, sounds, and numbers. they are ones we have already worked on together. bm does nothing with him and only has him play video games 24/7
smnikki QOUTE; (the first
smnikki QOUTE;
(the first thing he did when he got out of mediation was call me and say (and post on his facebook) thank you baby i couldn't have done it with out you, you are amazing and together we are too strong for anyone to try and fight against!)
I can tell you that as a man this is a very strong statement.
To have someone who is there like that for his kid/kids when the BM is just not doing her part.
Is a huge for him.
The unbreakable bond feeling is a value to a man that puts him at the top levels of euphoria. He feels so much love from this. And to know you are there for him in every way, backing him and fighting for him, right by his side is another unbelievable feeling. His inner strength is that like a King. He feels as powerful as the president right now. And feels so blessed.
He knows his kid/kids are getting cared for in a way that will carry them throughout their lives. He knows you will build their confidence and strengths like you have in him, and that is the world to him.
SMNikki - THANK YOU SO
SMNikki - THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! You rock girl!! I had started something, but your tips are so great! For example, I didn't think to put in pictures of SD with her dad, or me, or the home we have here. I didn't think about some of that more personal-type stuff. DH is still out on the road, but today he sent SD a book.."Pride and Prejudice and Zombies"!! Which she is very excited to read! It's little stuff like that, that also helps prove their bond, in my opinion.
Also, I really liked the idea of the daily schedule, and information on discipline, etc. I have called SD's Therapist and Psychiatrist, and will be calling her general practitioner as well, for letters.
I am hoping we can give enough information that they can work out our custody, etc. in Mediation, as opposed to court. The Paralegal from Father's Rights that we saw has said that in court, because SD is 16, they may ask her to testify, etc. We are trying to do all of this WITHOUT SD knowing. She already knows she lives with us, so why stress her out on the "legality" of it all? And that's what we are trying to stress to BM, the Mediator, and her physicians.
THANK YOU!! I know what you mean about how good it feels when DH acknowledges your efforts. DH here has been pretty wonderful about that too. It makes it all so worthwhile... and I know it has brought me and DH closer together. It sounds like it has brought you two closer as well. He is so lucky to have you!! REALLY... THANK YOU!!!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
you're welcome!!! im not
you're welcome!!!
im not sure if mediation is the same where you are as it was for my dh, but the mediator was only there for the sake of the child. yes, she did come down pretty hard on bm for her insecure actions and how it was effecting dh, me and ss, but really they are there to decide whats best for the child.
16 is pretty old, as far as kids go, and i would say that unless you can prove that it is in her best interest to not know of whats going on, they will question her.
can you get letters from you therapist and psychiatrist that she shouldnt know? they might argue that she is there with you but thinks its not set in stone, but may feel differently if she knew it was a court order. is bm fighting you on this? is there any question that sd wouldnt want you to get full custody?
i havent kept up with blogs about your sd, but i would think that at 16, if you have proof that sd has already been living with you, and she will say she wishes to keep things the way they are....that would be enough.
SMNikki - Thanks for this.
SMNikki - Thanks for this. I am asking the Therapist and her psychiatrist for their letters, but as per your suggestion, I am also going to ask them if they think it would cause SD additional stress for a letter from her.
SD is old enough to have her wants considered in court. When we decided to allow her to go low contact with her mom for a short amount of time, she was starting to stress that her mom would take us to court. And she was ready to testify!! But both her dad and I think that she's putting on a front of how much she would "want" to do that. She is going through a lot of "grieving" of her and her mom's relationship (as per her therapist) so to put her on the stand saying she doesn't want to live with her mom could add stress. But we will ask both the therapist and psychiatrist to see if they agree. We could be being a little overprotective too!
BM will fight it because she doesn't want to pay child support. When it was 50/50 both of them made the same money so there was no child support. If she agrees that we have custody she could possibly be liable for child support and that is why she may try to fight it. DH has not asked her for anything for the past year. DH is trying to let her know in Mediation that it could end up being long and even more expensive for similar results.. especially if they take SD's wishes at 16 into consideration.
If it was up to SD, in her own words... melordramatic as they may be... "If I (SD) have to go live with mom again, I will kill myself." Melodramatic ... VERY!! Scary though too, since this girl was expressing suicidal thoughts when she was 50/50 at her mom's. And when DH and I were both gone on a business trip for a length of time and SD was fully at her mom's, she was even more suicidal. When we think of that, it takes on an even scarier tone, and we don't know that's truly an empty threat or a real concern. It's also part of the reason we don't want her to have the "stress" of testifying.
Obviously, if her therapist okays the letter, we would have her refrain from some "over-the-top" statements for dramatic effect. She is a very eloquent writer, and very smart. So I know she could give some very effective testimony. It's just... do we want to make her write in that way?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***