Does BM Have Right to Babysitter's Personal Info?
Small bit of background since this is my very first post: I have 2 stepkids (ss8 & sd12) of whom my husband has 50% custody. Their mother is a nightmare who has a history of scaring away decent babysitters with her antics (general craziness, not paying them, etc).
I work from home and we recently hired a college student to pick the kids up from school and help with homework (I guess that's usually called a mother's helper). When BM found out, she demanded to know the girl's personal contact information and DH refused to give it to her.
BM claims that she has a legal right to this info, but since DH has 50% physical and legal custody, I don't think she does. The last thing we need is for her to scare away this perfectly great (Megan's law certified) babysitter. Do we have to give BM her info?
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I don't think you have to
I don't think you have to give it to her.... Tell her you'll give her the info only if a judge tells you to.... And tell her why you don't want to give her the info. Do you demand to know who watches the kids on bm's time?? I don't think so.... She needs to get over it!
Thanks, Conflicted. I don't
Thanks, Conflicted. I don't think we have to give her any info, but her lawyer (who isn't even a family court lawyer) told her we do. If she wants to take it to court, that's fine with me!
Let her take it to court!
Let her take it to court! She would likely be laughed out of the courtroom! Plus, you would get the opportunity to explain your side to a judge and then have it put in writing (in the form of a court order) that you don't have to provide bm with the info the childcare provider that you use on your time. If dh has joint custody then clearly the court deems him a fit parent capable of making decisions for the kids while they are in his household.... This is nothing more than a control issue with respect to bm.
That's a good point. It's
That's a good point. It's totally about controlling us and what we can do during DH's parenting time. The funny thing is, she left him a voicemail earlier that day freaking out about it and saying he should just take full custody because she can't deal with the kids anymore. I wonder what a judge would think of that...
Save the message, and go for
Save the message, and go for custody
Exactly. She is at home, if
Exactly. She is at home, if the babysitter has a problem she can just ask for help.
BM is being crazy aout this, your time, you can choice a sitter for yourself.
As a biomom, I like to know
As a biomom, I like to know who is with my child 100% of the time...but with that said I obviously can't demand to know this information when choochoo is with his father for visits unless the custody agreement gets updated to state I get to know everything involving my kid.
Does this bm know intimate details about each and every person working in her child's school??? Last time I checked, during the week children are in school for more hours than they spend with their parents so maybe she should go to court and have an request sent for all details for all the school workers involved with her kid if she's planning on making such a big stink about the babysitter her ex has chosen. A reasonable amount of information to request would be: what's her name? is she cpr certified? did you check her record? does she have a license? THAT'S IT.
Those are reasonable questions that ANY parent would have a right to know regardless of the custody situation. You should provide babysitter with BM's info in case of an emergency though.
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
I would be livid if BM
I would be livid if BM refused to provide FH with information regarding where his children will be and with whom. I'm not saying an hour by hour breakdown, but phone number, address, name (obviously) should be a given. The babysitter should also have all contact info for both parents as well. What happens if there is an emergency?? What if she can't reach you guys, and has no info for BM?
How would you feel if the kids were spending a part of every day with someone, and you have no idea who it is?
If the guy cannot be trusted
If the guy cannot be trusted to hire a babysitter than he shouldn't/wouldn't have custody. Emergency info, well the sitter should be given the closets family members name and phone number--if the babysitter can not reach the father than she should call the person that can best reach him.
As a BM it will kill me not knowing what was going on but legally this woman has no right to the information--it really isn't up to her who watches the kids on the BFs time.
I don't see what the big
I don't see what the big deal with this is. Obviously I don't know the OP's situation, but in general, who cares if BM or BD wants the contact info for the person their child will be with? In our case, there are no close family members. And if there is a problem, babysitter should call the other parent if one cannot be reached, not a friend or cousin or whatnot. If she is only a "babysitter" and the other parent does not have a right to know who he/she is, that is akin to BM telling all the BD's on here that he has no right to know what daycare their kids are going to, or what school. After all, it happens on her time, right?? She has custody, and has the right to decide all of that, and can be trusted to make the right decision.
If BM had someone picking the kids up from school every day, you bet your ass FH would want to know some info on him/her. Who wouldn't want to make sure their children are not getting in to the car with someone with a prior DUI, or DWI, or whatever?? Bus drivers go thru this screening as well, so I don't see what the issue is. It's a power sruggle that does not need to happen.
"I don't see what the big
"I don't see what the big deal with this is. Obviously I don't know the OP's situation, but in general, who cares if BM or BD wants the contact info for the person their child will be with? In our case, there are no close family members."
This is very unusual, won't a personal friend be able to reach you better than BM? Maybe not, but I would guess that on you and Hs time you don't answer BMs calls. Afterall, you have the children at your home.
" And if there is a problem, babysitter should call the other parent if one cannot be reached, not a friend or cousin or whatnot. If she is only a "babysitter" and the other parent does not have a right to know who he/she is, that is akin to BM telling all the BD's on here that he has no right to know what daycare their kids are going to, or what school. "
Daycare and school are very different from a PERSONAL babysitter.
"After all, it happens on her time, right?? She has custody, and has the right to decide all of that, and can be trusted to make the right decision. "
So can BF.
"If BM had someone picking the kids up from school every day, you bet your ass FH would want to know some info on him/her. Who wouldn't want to make sure their children are not getting in to the car with someone with a prior DUI, or DWI, or whatever?? "
Read what you just wrote above.
" drivers go thru this screening as well, so I don't see what the issue is. It's a power sruggle that does not need to happen."
Yes a screening should be done. But can't we trust the other parent with that? The parent should do this research before hiring them, if we trust them I bet they did it already!
It surely is a power struggle that does not need to happen. BM should trust and respect the BF. Just like he would trust her to hire a PERSONAL babysitter.
Maybe because I am not in
Maybe because I am not in the same boat as a lot of these women in regards to BM, I do not understand this mentality. While I do not consider BM a personal friend, she is still the kids mom, and we ALWAYS answer the phone if she calls. Which is not often, we text more often than not. Again, not in the same position as many women on here, so my outlook is different. We will always answer the phone when the kids are with us, not so much when they are not.
Let me say again, if it has not already been stated, that my opinion is for the general idea of information sharing. If my children (if I had any) were to be cared for by someone other than myself on a consistent basis, I would make sure my ex knew that persons contact info in case of an emergency and just because it is the right thing to do. If they were only being watched occasionally while I ran an errand, not so much. But again, information sharing is very important, on both sides. To withhold petty shit only causes more drama. Again, this is OT of the OP. This is my general opinion on this matter. If the OP has a valid reason for withholding, then it is on her. But I do not see the need to withhold info unless there is a good reason to. And "because it is happening on my time" is just so petty. Who cares? A lot of things happen on the other parents time that drives SM's, BM's, SF's and SF's on here crazy. Is that really a valid point to try to make? Just because it is your parenting time to do whatever you want does not make it right.
Oh, and when I wrote this, it was with sarcasm. I guess you didn't catch it. And if you did and responded back with more sarcasm, I missed it-
"After all, it happens on her time, right?? She has custody, and has the right to decide all of that, and can be trusted to make the right decision. "
So can BF.
The system in USA may be
The system in USA may be different to here, but if I employed someone and gave her personal details out to another person then I would be breaking data protection laws.
If she's helping at your house, then BM can get hold of her in an emergency by calling that number. Perhaps reassure her that you've checked her out, is Megans Law certified etc and that by giving out personal details you would be breaking the law.
Since you work from home,
Since you work from home, does this babysitter come to your home with the kids or take them somewhere else. If they come to your home she has no right, in my opinion she has no right anyways, that is your dh time and I am sure he is more than capable of finding appropriate babysitters and if bm has a history of causing problems I would not give her any numbers, unless the court tells you otherwise.
...the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it. - The Lion King
Thanks for all of your
Thanks for all of your replies. To answer some of the questions:
The babysitter is CPR and Megan's law certified with a valid driver's license and has all of the emergency information she would need were something to happen while we were not there.
She brings the kids to my home and I'm there with them 90% of the time.
No, we don't demand to know the personal information of every person the kids come in contact with while in BM's custody. She has 50% custody and therefore the right to make decisions about who she thinks is qualified to care for the children on her time - even if we disagree.
Having given this a lot of thought, I'm convinced that this is all another manipulation. She knows the girl is CPR and Megan's law certified. She doesn't care. She still wants her phone number. We offered to let her come over and meet her. She doesn't want to do that either. I feel like this is the last straw in a series of last straws. It's time to just let the courts decide.
I agree. don't give her the
I agree. don't give her the number. Did you ever wonder if she wants it just to trash you and try and to information about your house from her?
Hmmmmmm~ I am up in the air
Hmmmmmm~ I am up in the air on this one... I TOTALLY understand NOT wanting to give her the information if she has a history of poor behavior with sitters in the past. BM in my case has gotten EVERY child care provider involved in the custody battle in one way or another. All the way up to getting SS kicked out of a private preschool and they filed a restraining order against her. She was not allowed within 100 yards of the school, and she worked right across the street. Just going to work, she was violating her restraining order.
BUT, I still give her all of the contact information to the babysitter that he goes to on our days now that he is in regular school and we can each do as we please as far as child care. What if something happens and she really needs to get in touch with her. I mean, I ask my ex for the girls babysitter info when he is with them, and we give ours as well. I would never want my kids (step or bio) to be in the care of someone else on a regular basis and NOT be informed of WHO and WHERE it is.
Just my opinion. We added it so SHE would have to tell us, she has poor since of judgement... but since it's in there we have to give her the same information. Honestly it never really bothered me. Even with all the crap she has caused.
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ ; )
I think there is a bit of
I think there is a bit of difference here. She is talking about a personal sitter or helper that comes to her home---not a daycare center.
Yes I think the daycare center should and does ask for theother parents info. Yes I would tell the other person which daycare. But this is a mommys helper--
Oh, I know what she is
Oh, I know what she is saying...My kids go to my friends house after school... BM has all of her information. This is just me though. I can understand WHY she doesn't want to give her the information. I have been there. BM cursed out the owner of one of the preschools our kids went to in front of all of the kids. Other parents pulled their kids out of this school because of her. It was mortifying! BUT, we still have to give her the information because of the mediation paperwork. WE had it added that we have to give the information, because she let SS get in the car with her boyfriend (who was "babysitting" at the time) and he got pulled over and taken to jail for driving under the influence. THAT is why we want to know who is watching SS at all times, and how to get in touch with them if something happens.
Also, we live in earthquake country. Like literally on a fault. If something were to happen, I would want her to be able to call directly where her son is to make sure he is ok. And I would expect the same. If it is just a random "I went out and took him to my friends to be babysat", I don't think I would enforce it as strictly. But it is where our kids are 3 days a week. I think she has the right to know who it is.
Like I said... this is just me talking and I will probably be the outcast on this one.. but that is because we had the unthinkable happen when SS was being "babysat". SS had to be taken to the sherrifs station in a police car while they tracked down BM, who then had to have US go pick him up. It was a nightmare... I won't be put in that situation again.
Not here to stir any pots... I just have a different point of view on this one.
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ ; )
Understood. That must have
Understood. That must have been horrible.