I hate BM and SD(18)! Am I am awful person?
I have been stepping for 10 years and it has never gotten easier, only harder. It has almost ended my marriage numerous times. When it comes to his ex and his daughter my husband is totally blind and weak. I have never had a good relationship with SD. BM made sure to sour her on me right from the get go. BM cheated on my husband many times in their short marriage and even told him that she wasn't sure SD was even his. She left 4 times for other men then always came back when the fun wore off (dragging infant SD and her other child with her). He always took her back! She finally left for good and filed for divorce when SD was not yet 3. (I met him when SD was 7.) Yet she told SD that I was the reason they were no longer together!?! BM is a very coniving, manipulative, greedy, unstable addict. Combine that with her having good looks, a rich family, no moral compass and no common sense or education it is a very bad mix! So as you can guess SD has hated me with a passion from the very start. BM hated me because when I came into the picture she realized she would lose control over my husband. He would always do whatever she asked of him, no matter what! So here we are 10 years later and I am still dealing with both of their crazy crap! I am so glad to have found this site so I can finally vent a little and maybe get some advice on how to deal with them for the rest of my life!
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Well if SD is 18 I dont see
Well if SD is 18 I dont see why you should have to ever deal with BM again? She is an adult, you should only have to deal with her (SD).
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
Has your DH sat SD down and
Has your DH sat SD down and talked with her? Surely there is a way to clear your name without bad mouthing SD's mother.
I was actually reading a passage from a book called "Ex-Wives and Ex-Lives:Survival Guide for the Next Wife" when I saw your post also, so I'll share this with you.
For centuries, the next-wife has been accused of being the other woman. SHe's epitomized the stereotypical wicked stepmother, while her predecessor has continued to shine like a brand new penny. After all, the ex has lost her husband, and now, EOW, her children will be forced to cavort with the likes of their father's next wife. She has a right to act like a...woman scorned. :sick:
So you're expected to be understanding and tolerant of her - friendly even - without displaying a sliver of irritation at her antics. And should you stray from this unrealistic ideal, you're the one accused of being petty.
In a society where anything goes and alternative lifestyles are embraced, it seems the only remaining taboo is your attitude toward his ex-wife. You don't like her. There, you've said it. And your lips didn't roll up like window shades to y our eyebrows, from breaking the curse of hypocritical silence.
Acutally, your dislike of her is even stronger. There's but a thin line between hate and love, and there's never been any risk of you wasting any love on her. But you refuse to expend your valuable time by investing in an emotion as strong as hate, so you'll settle for dislike.
But who can you share these honest emotions with? Certainly your husband is already aware of them, yet undoubtedly, doesn't want to hear about it - again. You can't tell his children just how lowdown you think their mother is, and you wouldn't expose this side of your usual good nature to your own children, either. After all, you've taught them the Biblical principle of loving their enemies. Would they ever respect you again if they knew the truth?
So you hold it in. You smile sweetly whenever you have to face the ex, and are polite and engaging as you inquire how she is. But you already know how she is, regardless of what she tries to portray. She really thinks she has you fooled, and it just eats you up that you can't expose her charades publicly. *Sigh*
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I think you will find alot of people here with the same problem described above. Unfortunately, there is nothing YOU can do to stop BM's behavior, and nothing you can do to stop SD's behavior, especially if it is enabled by her parents. I do believe however, if your DH hasn't sat down and talked to SD already, he should. Where does SD live now? and does she still visit with your DH? SD is of age now, and because of that maybe it's good that she doesn't have an impact directly onto your life, indirectly maybe, but not directly.
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“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”
SD lives with her boyfriend,
SD lives with her boyfriend, their daughter, his mother, her girlfriend, his pg sister and her boyfriend! She got pregnant dropped out of school at 16. No one bothered to tell us, SD just stopped coming over or answereing our calls. Her 1/2 sister finally called my husband and told him that SD was 6 months pg! We have still been paying child support ($100 a month more than the order because years ago BM harassed us so much that what she was getting wans't enough so hubby gave in and forked over the cash!) every month. In my state you have to petiton the state to stop CS and they won't do it until the 'child', no mattter what age, is self supportig. SD's boyfriend's family supports her and she has no desire to work so we will have to just keep paying BM! She kicked SD out of the house 4 months ago because she was tired of supporting her and the baby! Wonder what she spends the child support on? Pisses me off!
Kittie, in your state CS is
Kittie, in your state CS is supposed to end at the age of 19. I would also check with DH's attorney because if she is not living with BM, the CS should NOT being going to her, it should be going to SD.
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“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”
Yes, cs should end at 19 in
Yes, cs should end at 19 in my state but the only statute's (sp?) I have found say cs will continue until the 'child' is self supporting. And they cannot be emncipated unless they get married or are self supporting. (I think she may have married her BD, she wears a ring, but those documents are not open to the public). And I do know for a fact that cs doesn't automaticaly end at 19. You have to file a motion to ask for it to end and if the 'child' isn't self supporting then cs continues to BM even if the SD doesn't live with her! We have been supporting SD on top of the cs we are paying BM. Taking her shopping for groceries, clothes, etc.. for her and grandbaby, diapers, gas in her car, etc... My husband even gives her cash (behind my back). We talked and decided not to give her cash because we are 99% sure she is using drugs. But he does it anyway because that is the only time he can see her, when she is coming over for money or if we are buying her something!! I am tired of working my butt off, 40 hours a week, for him to just keep forkinh out the money to them! BM doens't work. Hasn't held a job for longer than 2 months since they divorces and she started getting cs!!
Maybe I'm misunderstanding
Maybe I'm misunderstanding but according to what I've read, the child is automatically emancipated at the age of 19, In order to become emancipated PRIOR to the age of 19, the child must be married or self supporting. Child support does not continue until the child gets married or becomes self supporting, otherwise you would have 30 year olds still collecting CS from their parents.
http://www.denverdivorcelawyerblog.com/child_support/
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“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”
Not in the wonderful,
Not in the wonderful, 'progressive' state I live in! CS continues until the courts rule it can stop, petitions for termination of cs starting at 19. The only way cs would automatically stop was if the child got married or joined the armed forces. If they reach 21 the court may find that cs is not longer needed but that depends on what the child is doing with their life and kind of judge you get. We have a lot of 'ball bashers' here that think the man has to support his x and child forever because of one night of sex! I do know for a fact that in our state cs does not automatically end at 19. Lots of paper work and justification involved in asking to not have to pay to support your adult child!
Kitty...Are you not in
Kitty...Are you not in Colorado? Where is Colorado Girl when we need her??? CG? You know anything about this?
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
I read the link that
I read the link that middlemom posted. Looks like middlemom is correct. Emancipation is at age 19 and nothing can be enforced past the age of 19. There are even links to attorneys who do pro-bono work. Definitely contact a lawyer on there. I would even contact one of the today to find out if you can stop the payments being that SD isn't living with BM anyway. Never hurts to try!
Thank you so much. Wish
Thank you so much. Wish those words of wisdom worked in my situation! My hubby WILL NOT talk to SD, she does no wrong. She has his balls in her pocket! Everyting that has ever happend with her has always been my fault! She can walk by me in my own house and call me a b--ch and he says it is because "She feels comfortable enough with me to let her feelings show"! She lies to me, steals from me, is verbaly abusive to me, etc... and she is still the 'Golden Child'. One year for xmas she gave me a used wastebasket (complete with chewed gum stcuk to the bottom) with a broken phone, used tissues, and used pencials in it and he said she was "Just being a silly 14 year old"! How do you work through that?
Wow, you seem to be a
Wow, you seem to be a stronger woman than I am, because I don't know that I could allow my DH to let his child disrespect me like that for all those years. Has it gotten any better though since she's not spending EOW in your home? Atleast at this point you can choose to not deal with her and completely disengage yourself with anything that has to do with her.
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“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”
Actually I feel worse now
Actually I feel worse now because they still won't leave us alone.
8 phone calls tonight, from both SD and BM wanting $$. Haven't heard from or seem SD since we threw grandbaby a b-day party 2 months ago because SD couldn't do it and BM and other family wouldn't. Never hear from SD any other time unless she or her Mom want money. She actually called tonight to tell us to pay BM cs even tho she doesn't get any of it! I think it is because BM tells her she will take away her car if she doesn't pressure us for the cs! I am just sick that we will always be the walking talking ATM machine to them! And that hubby just gives in! He is such a pussy when it come to them!!
wow, you're husband allows
wow, :jawdrop: you're husband allows this to happen? that is not right at all. I will say, my husband and I have always been on the same page through all of it.
whether that is his daughter or not, he should be standing by you 100%.
he needs to stop making excuses for her. he is only hurting her. allowing her to be such a person, she will always be trash to the outside world when people see who she really is. what morals did he give her? to make her feel she is on top of the world? he needs to realize there is a deference to to be proud of having a daughter with class , then having one with no grace.
My love for you grows daily
My love for you grows daily
Great post.
What a nightmare "just being
What a nightmare "just being a silly 14 year old" my god she should know better that shit is just plain rude. If you could just see if you can get him to just stopping paying BM, she would have to go back to court to get the money he is suppose to pay, would it then be reassed to show the BM does not even have SD in her care??? and therefore he would no longer have to pay or somehow get it directly to SD instead.
I think it is a joke too, if she is capable of having her own child then why should she be supported like a child still?
I don't understand how a
I don't understand how a system can insist you still pay CS to the BM when SD is no longer living there - I can only suggest getting some legal advice to see exactly where you stand & try to get your husband to agree to only pay what has been ordered by the court.
One thing though - if she automatically becomes emancipated when she marries, could you guys not offer to pay for a wedding? I know it would be alot up front, but get her married off & you'll never have to pay out again!
Sad to say we have gotten
Sad to say we have gotten legal advice which all tell us that we still have to pay CS to BM until the court rules it stopped and probably won't because she is under 19 and isn't working. Hopefully she will get a job in the next 12 months then we can petition for CS to stop.