After my last blog about my situation over a week ago, things have sort of been getting better. Well, after I completely lost it first!

That night, we picked up SD9. We pulled into the parking lot across from BM's boyfriend's place & there's BM with both girls, sitting in the car. This made me LIVID. Here it is 5:15 & BM is already there, just like every other time so far. So why can't BM drive a lousy 10 minutes in our direction so we don't have to drive as far? BM stated at first that she couldn't do this because she didn't even get out of work until 5:00 & then had to pick-up the kids, so the earliest she could meet us was 5:30 in that parking lot. Hmmm...it just really, really pisses me off. These f*cking games she plays.

So then SD9 walks to our vehicle. She's carrying her flute, which BM practically forced her to play. I asked her why she had her flute (because she usually comes with absolutely nothing but the clothes on her back) & she said it was to practice. My reaction (which I kept to myself)...BULLSHIT. Yes, I realize she needs to practice, but she just barely got the thing & they are supposed to practice just breathing into it. SD9 is only with us for 48 hours. She could just as easily have practiced before we picked her up & then again on Sunday evening, meaning she'd miss ONE lousy day. SD9 didn't even practice until Sunday just before going back to BM's anyway. It's just BM rubbing our faces in the fact that she's controlling EVERYTHING SD9 does.

I also noticed that SD9's pants were ridiculously short on her. But hey, at least she was wearing pants from BM's for the first time since last spring. And they were the correct size, however, since SD9 is so short, they would have needed to be cuffed or hemmed & that's too much work for BM, so BM just cut them. And she cut them too short.

I also noticed the next day that the sneakers SD9 was wearing were a size too small. Now, someone please explain to me why these sneakers were ok to wear, but the sneakers SD9 had been wearing at the end of the school year WHICH WERE THE SAME SIZE were deemed too small by BM. BM made a HUGE deal over those sneakers being too small & bought SD9 a new pair, making a big production out of it. (We buy SD9 new sneakers at the beginning of every school year & always have. It doesn't cross BM's mind to ever do this.) When BM gets SD9 "new" shoes, they are from the thrift shop & usually look like it. The ones she wore this day were disgustingly dirty & we had never seen them before. They weren't hand-me-downs from former SD11, either. So obviously, BM once again hit the thrift shop & came back with shoes that didn't fit. Some things never change. Oh, and I should add the reason that SD9 was wearing sneakers in the first place: the school sent home a notice that kids had to wear sneakers, not Crocs. (SD9 had been wearing nasty old Crocs - that BM had gotten at the thrift shop - since last spring.) How much do you want to bet that this notice was sent home solely because of BM? You can laugh, but it's happened before. And I still want to know what happened to those new shoes BM bought last June? Think maybe they didn't fit?!

Anyway, I realized on the car ride home that I was being fairly bitchy towards SD9. My tone & some of the things I commented on were fairly snide. I realized that I resented SD9. Not just because of what BM was doing to us, but because SD9 seems so ok with all of it. I feel betrayed that SD9 isn't upset by not getting to see her father as much as she used to. She doesn't seem to miss her old school, her friends, anything. And I don't think she's hiding her true feelings, either. She just doesn't seem to care either way. And to me, that's just bizarre. If, as a kid, I only saw my father 4 days a month after 7 years of seeing him every other week, I would have been upset. When I was a kid, we moved several times & I had to switch schools & I know I was upset by it. Does anyone else think this is unusual that SD9 acts this way?

So we got home & I started dinner. Some how I didn't make enough for us all & it was then that I completely lost it! If you read the blog from that day, you know I was already in a terrible state of mind. This, then seeing BM sitting there in the car, dealing with BM's little games...I began to bawl. (Luckily SD9 was downstairs in her room & didn't see or hear me.) I served up their dinner, told my husband I would eat something later, grabbed a box of tissues & sat in my car for a few hours. (I had no where private to go due to our renovations.) I cried & cried, really lost it.

When I finally went back inside, my husband had fixed me dinner. We talked & I admitted that I resented SD9 & why. He was glad I admitted it because it was really obvious to him. The tension in my jaw, neck, shoulders, back & head was gone. The eye twitch went away. I guess I needed to release all of this. Let it go...

The rest of the weekend went fine. SD9 was an angel. She even started giving me hugs again, which she hadn't done since July. So maybe BM isn't quite getting through to her with all the PAS crap...