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MiseryNMissouri's picture

Submitted by MiseryNMissouri on Mon, 09/28/2009 - 1:31pm

I have a sister who is married to at guy that is a great father, takes very good care of his kids (they have one together and he has 2 from a previous relationship), spends every weekend with his kids that he has by another woman....here's the issue, he had a drug problem for the last couple of years and it on various occassions has caused him to do things that i belive he wouldnt normally do.....i was the one that told my sister to leave and dont look back and of course she didnt and to be honest to my surprise her DH has enrolled in rehab and has been clean now for 6 months and he has really in my eyes changed his outlook on life and to be honest made him a better person for her...now i am the one routing for them to succeed and he has truly been a blessing to see this transformation.......i know this is about step parents but i just had to see what all of you think....i find myself being the cheerleader for them now but my sister insists that he will always be a drug addict and will never change, she constantly rags on him about his drug use and i try to tell her that all of us fall short at sometime and when have to get up, and just maybe her DH has decided to get up and leave all that nonsense behind him....heck i know i have done things that i am not proud of and if i wasnt given a second chance then no telling where i would be...Ladies please give me some advice to give to my sister...(and yes i really have a sister this is not for me)...LOL

Comments

BMJen's picture

Submitted by BMJen on Mon, 09/28/2009 - 1:37pm

Is your sister in any type of thearpy? I know there are "groups" out there for loved ones that went through a spouse being hooked on drugs. Maybe she could try something like that and find a good place to release some of that anger, hurt, and frustration with people that knows exactaly how she feels.

That's why we all love ST so much! It's group thearpy.

Kb3Hooah's picture

Submitted by Kb3Hooah on Thu, 05/20/2010 - 6:16pm

delete

Catlover's picture

Submitted by Catlover on Mon, 09/28/2009 - 1:39pm

I think that if a person is really truly going to give someone a second chance, then they have to be willing to put the past behind them and not continue to dwell on it or rub it in the other person's face. Whether it is drug use or an affair. If you can't move on and forgive the person, then you aren't doing the other person any favors by sticking around. I think that your sister needs to evaluate whether she can get past the drug use. If she can't, she needs to be honest and figure out what that means to her. By rubbing it in her DH's face, she is compromising their relationship and his sobriety. Perhaps attending therapy or a support group for loved ones of those with drug issues, she can work through her own feelings.

"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"

Amazed's picture

Submitted by Amazed on Mon, 09/28/2009 - 1:39pm

Once an addict,always an addict. But that doesn't mean he can't be "always an addict always in recovery" She needs to support his progress rather than ragging on him about his past. Unless she's a perfect,angelic saint...then she can rag on him all she wants but if she's human she shouldn't be busting his chops about his previous mistakes as long as he is in recovery.

If she's going to hound him and be hard on him while he's trying to stay on the wagon then he needs to remove her from his life because she is making herself a toxic individual. Her constant hounding of him will only hurt his recovery.

Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha

MiseryNMissouri's picture

Submitted by MiseryNMissouri on Mon, 09/28/2009 - 1:50pm

thanks, i agree with you all especially you catlover and BBBarbie...just because a person has been an addict doesnt mean that he will be an addict or that he cant be an addict in recovery for ever....i try to tell her to really let that past go and move forward with the things that he has dont now...it just seems that now he has progressed she wants to keep him in that place of addiction and everything that he does she always tries to tie it to what he did...i told her to charish the progress and support the movement because he could be a blessing for others to see, but somehow she always calls me and tries to get me to listen to even though he hasnt used for 6 months that he will use again, i told her dont believe chit until chit happens and lets look at what he has done an not what he might do...she is bringing a lot of stress on herself for holding on to the past....

GiGi222's picture

Submitted by GiGi222 on Mon, 09/28/2009 - 2:37pm

I think its hard for your sister because she is really thinking about whether she wants to put herself and the kids in that position again.
Living with an addict is hard work. They spend 24/7 focusing on their recovery. Everything takes a back seat, especially in the beginning. She would definitely have to go to Al-Anon to understand and learn how to deal with that.
They say that the path to recovery is tough and there are likely to be relapses. Addicts look for ANY reason at all just to get high. I remember ex used to get high for almost any reason at all, probably including the weather.
No, her ragging on him won't help, but she obviously still has open wounds. Her H also needs to learn how to cope with stress, big stressors and regular everyday life, as almost anything can be a trigger.
It didn't work out for me and ex, mostly because his recovery never lasted long, but only your sis knows if her H is in it for the long haul. Good Luck to them.

imagr8tma's picture

Submitted by imagr8tma on Mon, 09/28/2009 - 6:28pm

I have a brother who is an addict - who has tried at times to stop and was unable to do so. So if he is making steps in the right direction i am really happy for him.

I think it will take time for the bad memories to go away. Seems like it only takes good memories but a second to disappear but a lifetime almost for bad memories to erase - if ever.

I think he will have to continue down the path he is on and hopefully some of the good things he is doing now will give her the confidence to trust (slowly and little by little) trust him again. He will have a hard road to travel - but it is worth it - if he is going to truly try and make it work.

I believe that recovery is a life long action... and if he continues down the path he is own... her heart may open again and then she will be one of his biggest advocates and will allow her love to cover him as well.

I hope it all works out, and he is able to over come the drug demon that once ruined his life.

********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************