SD doesn't have a "Mom"...
SD told me last night that she feels like she doesn't "have a mom". She has a "Mother". But she doesn't have a Mom.
Says a lot doesn't it?
I'm hurt a little... but THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME.. or my and SD's relationship.
I know what SD means.
We went to a costume store and the saleslady called me SD's mom and neither of us corrected her. I'm as close to a mom as SD has got and she has enough guilty feelings about it already. She doesn't need more. I thank all of you ladies because you have all been very kind in telling me that I am good for her. I appreciate that I get that positive reinforcement from my husband (he really is wonderful) and from you all here. So I'm not looking for that.
What I'm looking for here with this blog is what to say to that? I sat there, stupid, and silent. Unable to offer her comfort or wise words or anything. I didn't know what to say to take that hurt away or to soften that blow. I tried to stumble out... Yes honey... you do have a mom... and that's when she said, "I have a Mother, but I don't have a Mom". The counselor has told Dh and I that SD is mourning that loss. What would you have said? I'm not bringing it up to SD, but if it comes up again, I'd like a little something to comfort her!!
Any thoughts?
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I would have
hugged her and told her that I loved her. No need for you to explain anything about her mother. It's great that she can feel safe opening up to you.
That poor kid. I grew up with a mother, not a mom too...I still struggle with it sometimes. She just needs to know you are there, and she obviously does.
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost
I agree with DPWB
As you have already sensed, trying to say, "Oh, honey, of course you have a mom" will only ring false to your SD.
I think that when you start to grow up, reassuring words aren't comforting anymore when you know that there's nothing behind them. SD knows that you know her mother isn't being a mom; that's why she's confiding in you -- because she needs an adult to talk to who will listen to her feelings and not try to talk her out of them. The best thing you can do, as DPWB says, is to simply listen, and ask her questions to help her sort through her emotions. Don't try to say she's wrong, but don't validate what she says too much -- so as to avoid getting caught up in a BM-bashing routine. (I know you're too smart to do that.) Just offer a sympathetic ear, and validate her feelings without validating whether they're the "truth": e.g., "I can understand how you would feel that way," "It must really be hard to feel you can't open up to her,' etc.
As far as words of wisdom are concerned, I'm sure you're already saying those kinds of things to her. I have a couple of things I often say to my younger stepdaughter -- who has a troubled relationship with her mom in much the same way yours does with hers. I struggled for a while (and still do) with things to help her think more philosophically about the situation -- to take a little distance, as it were. Here are the two things I tell her:
1) That when we're little, we all think our parents are perfect, or at least hope they are, even if we see evidence to the contrary. Then when we get older, we ALL start to realize that our parents are human, with flaws, and they make mistakes. When we are adults, we eventually come to the realization that our parents aren't superhuman, and that they have limitations, just like everyone else. Realizing that, and making our peace with it, is part of growing up.
2) (This one I say only when younger SD's mom has done something really awful): Generally, people who are happy and healthy inside treat other people well. But with people who are unhappy or who have hard things going on in their lives, sometimes their unhappiness gets too much for them, and it comes out in the way they treat other people. So when someone does something that hurts you, it helps to look at them as someone who is hurting inside, but who just doesn't know how to express it in a healthy way.
I try to keep that last one VERY general, unless she wants to talk about specifics with her mom. Then I try to keep my comments as neutral as possible.
Not sure if that helps. Hugs, Stick!
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
You're not going to like me for this but
"I sat there, stupid, and silent" <---- This is the dumbest thing I've ever seen you post Stick. Silence is NEVER stupid when you don't have a good response for the situation. I feel after reading every blog you post I am educated enough to say YOU are NOT stupid and YOU are NOT inadequate in your responses to SD.
Sorry honey, I had to get that out there. Sometimes silence and just BEING THERE to listen is the perfect answer to statements made by your SD involving her mother. I know that you must have such a warm presence and SD absolutely feels that!
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
tell her to get over it
JOKING!!!! ok, well as another poster said, sometimes there is nothing to say.
sd11 has said that to me a time or two, usually after bm calls, and usually after she treats me like shit and i disengage and ignore her. then she puts on her 'victim hat' and cries to daddy how no one wants her.
while i want to tell her to get over it and maybe its cause of how she treats people, i simply tell her its ok that she has her daddy who will always protect her, and i am here too. i also suggest she write bm a letter telling her how she feels. while she may not send it out, it helps to write down our feelings.
That's just her way...
"What does that mean to you?" might be my response. With reassurance that just because her mom isn't living up to the standards she has set for her, doesn't mean that she isn't loving her the only way she knows how.
She is the architect in defining what is an okay way to love and have that love be reciprocated and she is determining that her mom's way is not what is acceptable to her.
Stick... she feels let down. You just have to help her accept her mom can't be who she wants her to be. This doesn't necessarily make mom wrong... just not right for SD. Her disappointment is inevitable, as should her forgiveness of being let down. If she is able to see that this is her mom's own dysfunction and fogive her for it... seeing that as having everything to do with mom and nothing to do with SD... her self worth will soar.
Your SD is finding her path. You are her soft place to land and that means more to her than anything. Don't let her fall into the trap of thinking that your love is capable of filling the void she feels from mom... she needs to fill that with her own love..for herself.
Much love,
Colorado Girl
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I might have asked her to define "mom"
Because it sounds like she's got a pretty decent "mom" already. She's mourning the relationship she thinks she should have with her mother, yes, but let's not forget that she has another "mom" figure in her life who does all of the "mom" things she's looking for. Maybe if you have the opportunity again, you could ask her to define what a "mom" is and does, in the hope that she'll realize she does have one... you.
I really do respect this outlook..
and I humbly disagree...
I actually felt this same way when it came to my oldest son and the man he calls "dad" (my exH) who he has no DNA connection to.
Until he started craving the connection with his biological father and I had a counselor tell me how my perception, although well intended, may be more harmful than helpful.
I equate it to losing a child (in death or any other distance). Losing a child leaves a void in our life. It's not refillable. We don't adopt another child or simply have another one to fill that void.
We learn to accept the void. We learn to adapt to the absence. Trying to fill it never allows us to actually deal with what is gone. I think Stick is an integral part of the process, just not the ultimate solution is all.
Just my outlook.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I don't know, CG
I'll have to think about this a bit more. I get what you're saying about facing the reality that a mother who can't be a mother can't be replaced. In equating it to my own childhood, I would have resented anyone who tried to replace my mother when she couldn't do the job. My daughter would likely feel the same way if someone else stepped in and said, "I'm your mom now," when I couldn't parent. It is important to validate those feelings of grief and to respect the process of mourning what is lost.
Maybe it's helpful to see that there are actually two cravings; one for the connection with the biological parent, which may actually be a desire for the perfect fantasy parent, and another for someone to play the role of the parent to at least fill some of the void. I would have been happy to call my step-mother "Mom" when she stepped in and helped to raise me when my mother couldn't. I needed a "mom", in addition to a relationship with my mother.
However you slice it, Stick is "mom", in the sense that she's filling a "mom" role and doing "mom" things. Maybe it would help her SD to feel safer, knowing that she's not "mom-less" after all. It sure would have helped me at the time.
I agree with CG
and I think that Stick gets this, from reading her blog. This isn't about whether Stick is a good mother to her SD. What a bio-mother represents isn't just "replaceable." It's not as easy as just saying, It's okay SD, I'll be your mom instead. We have this whole mythology built up around what a mother is -- and we learn it from Disney movies, fairy tales, and even TV commercials. We completely fetishize this idea of the Mother's love, the Mother's devotion, and that the love between a mother and a child is the strongest love there is. Heck, look at Harry Potter -- the reason Voldemort wasn't able to kill him was because of his dead mother's love, protecting him even from the grave.
So, no wonder so many people are in therapy, and no wonder so many adopted kids still feel a strong need to find their biological mothers. We've created an image of motherhood that some (most?) people just aren't going to live up to. When the biomom in question is a true POS, it makes it even worse. And while having a stand-in mom is great -- and maybe a life-saver for Stick's SD -- she's going to have to mourn the fact that her actual mother isn't a "mom" in the way she's been taught a "mom" is supposed to be, and come to accept that. That's the only healthy solution.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
True that it's not easy to jump from one mom to another
However there are plenty of people who are very happily adopted, or attach to surrogate mom's or mom figures in the absence of their own.
I think the kids have to be open to it, and we have to let go if it doesn't happen or they aren't able to.
BUT...
It does happen. I had several moms when mine was unavailable. I think with my SD in particular, it's not that she didn't want me as a mom, but that she wanted us to be one person- BM to be like me, and me to be like BM.
Whereas for a real transference from one mom to another the child has to simply want a mom. I have seen this with friends who have adopted kids from God forsaken places who have witnessed horrible atrocities to their families.
They were invited to have a mom and dad, and they took the opportunity.
There's just no right and wrong here. But we do have to have acceptance and mourn what our expectations were if they don't pan out, and perhaps have the patience to see if they will down the line. (Not my shining trait right now myself!)
I say hug her, let her absorb her own realizations
I did it myself the first (and one of the last) times my SD let me see her vulnerability regarding her mom's psych disorder.
She said, "Is my mom crazy?"
And started crying.
So I walked over and held her while it sunk in. It did too. I think it's part of SD's resistance to her own illness. She knows BM isn't right. And she doesn't want to know she isn't either.
Sadly, knowing it and owning it could save her from completely repeating it or worse.
You did fine. There really aren't any mis-steps (hmmm... NEW use for the term STEP- have to add it to my list!) in this journey. We live we learn, you know?
I am reaching toward stripping off all the layers of dysfunction I've allowed to be stretched over me, covering up the light, positive and at peace with myself - TRUSTING myself- person I used to be...til I can live authentically again.
Deep down I think that's what many of us are missing in this situation right now. How to stay ME, while bending and growing as a mom and stepmom.