Advice !!! I feel like my life was stolen from me
I want to know if any other SM's or SD's feel like this because it is becoming a issue for me and i don't really see what I could do to make things different.
I have to explain first... O.K., my boyfriend and I both work 45 hrs a week; condensed shifts of 15 hrs/day, friday-sat-sunday. We work with intellectually handicaped children with special needs. This schedule might seem crazy to many but it was fine with me until a year ago, because I do all my hours condensed and then have the rest of the week off from work. The thing is, for a year now, we have the kids full time with us. They are still young (SD11 and SS6) so it's still very demanding.
They are back from school at 15:00 and then it's non stop...homework, supper, showers, make lunches etc etc...you know the drill!
Then weekend comes and work starts. SD is with us on weekends too (she refuses to go to her mom's) but SS does go to his mom's once every other weekend. We work at home so it's ok when the kids are with us.
Before we had the kids full time, we had shared custody, so one week us , one week BM. That gave us a chance to have some time to ourselves and catch up with everything we end up putting off because we are too busy all the time.
I really liked that because it also gave us a bit of time to ourselves and space to breath.
As a SM, I do everything equal with my BF. We share the chores and are equally involved in taking care of the kids and bringing them up good. I LOOOVVEEE my stepkids and raise them like my own and I have difficulty seeing myself do otherwise...
Now my issue is that I feel like I am trapped, out of breath, that I have no life whatsoever besides work and family. I never get time to myself and it's starting to drive me coucou :? . i mean, I don't even remember the last time I had time to go see my sister or my mom or just do a little something for myself.
Another thing is that IF I do try and do some of these things, I feel horribly guilty, I feel like I am leaving my BF with everything and that I should be home helping out.
Do you think I'm wrong/screwed up in this behavior?
Are you this much involved with your own SK's?
Do you feel like you have no life anymore and that you are trapped in that situation?
Do you have any advice or story to share?
Any comments, thoughts or stories would be much appreciated !!
Chaoticsteplife
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oh my goodness girl.
yeah. that's a lot. we have 50/50 of our kids. SD6 and SS7 are GREAT! I love them and they are my world!! Right now I'm not working and I HATE IT! I feel like I really have no outside connection or purpose outside of being a wife and SM. (LOVE IT....but it's a lot...) My husband and I try to make sure we are taking time for ourselves and with one week on and one week off it's pretty easy to do.... but with you working as much I'm sure that can't be easy!
I think I would let your BF know that while you value your role you also need to take care of yourself by connecting with other people and getting out alone every now and then! It will help you be a better SM and partner to him! Don't feel guilty! It's not easy and there are no clear cut answers. Maybe he feels the same way and would appreciate you staying home and giving him a chance to get out too every now and then... OR maybe you could do something together away from the kids...(a small trip, take a class, plan date nights) In the long run it WILL help you value your time with the kids and be a better SM!
Wonder.Woman
Drop the guilt sister
Sounds like you are doing a good job with skids, working hard, who is taking care of you? If you don't take care of yourself, what will you have to give to anyone? A breather is not something you should feel guilty for, it's a necessity!!
I'm selfish and admit it. DH wants his kids every weekend. I make DH take skids with him when he runs errands, etc. They need "time together" and I need time alone. It makes me happier and more pleasant to be around. I'm not as involved with skids as you are, their white trash BM keeps them enough to get a check. I figure she gets paid to parent, I'm there to be a friend and role model.
"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton
I feel your pain
I have 3 kids at home now - 2 BC and 1 SS. We treat them all the same. Since their mom is deceased we have him full time. One good thing about that is no BM to deal with which I'm learning is a blessing. We made the decision to have a date night once a month, now my kids are 15, 14 and 10, so they are able to stay at the house for a few hours while we have dinner or a movie and come back. Without those few hours to ourselves I don't thing we could make it.
you need time for you
I have felt that guilt before but have realized that if I don't take care of myself I become miserable and nobody wants to be around me at that point anyway.
Your guilt is self-imposed so cut yourself a break. You chose this situation but you did not create it.
We all adapt pretty well to life's changes, just like you already have. If you need a few days to yourself take them. Everyone will adapt and you'll be happier and have more to give afterward.
Chaotic
Hey girl - I 'm in the same situation. DH and I went from 50/50 to full custody. Even though SD is older (she's 15), she's immature and needy and is suffering from some emotional difficulties. We have her in counseling and she is doing better, but sometimes, it's just exhausting.
DH and I do a different kind of work where one of us travels and the other stays at home. We used to be able to travel together and have more time together, when BM had 50/50 with us, but now, we can't even do that. So we are lucky to get one night alone together a month, and that's if DH is not on the road at the time.
It is very tiring, but like you say, I wouldn't have it any other way - at least right now. DH and I took full custody because we just asked ourselves what kind of parents we would be if we let SD stay with her mom, which was an unhealthy situation for her.
Anyway, I just wanted to say... you are not alone!!
AND YOU DO NEED TO GET OUT BY YOURSELF. I went out with some girlfriends one night for a break and it helped my frame of mind immensely. Also, do you have a family member close by that could babysit, or can you hire a babysitter, even? I think Tryin' has a great idea of the date night for you and DH. I think if you both had even 1 night a month that you could count on to be just the two of you, it would make all the difference in the world!!
Stay strong! And when you get overwhelmed (like I am recently) just keep reminding yourself of WHY you are doing what you are doing! Somehow, I find that the feeling that I am doing what is right for SD gives me the strength to just keep going.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Is it too much ?
I still wonder if I am TOO involved in the stepkids upbringing...?? I mean, for me, what I am doing is totally natural but i still wonder if most SM's or SD's get this much involved and put everything they have into it.
I guess I might need some sort of confirmation that what I am doing is right and that i'm not overdoing it.
I do realize that I need to find a solution to take a bit of time off, some sort of breather...
Thank you all so much for your advice, the date night sounds good or alternate time off alone with BF is also a good idea.
I'm still juggling to figure out this issue.
Any other comments are more than welcome!
Chaoticsteplife